Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not want to do all the thinking?

34 replies

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:23

I have been working ft out of the house for two weeks now, before this I was a CM so at home.

To be fair to him, DH is brilliant, he has stepped into the breach with aplomb with childcare and cooking and has outdone himself there, he picks the DC up from the CM, brings them home, makes them do homework and music, cooks tea for all of us, gets them to their clubs etc. He's also doing the washing (although not putting it away).

I do all the morning stuff: pack bags, make lunches, drop off at CM and school. DH leaves at 7.30 and is back at 4.30, I work 9-6.

It's working well, I think, but it's going to take us a while to get into the swing of things.

However. My small whinge is that I am still doing all the organising and thinking. Every morning he asks what he shoudl cook for dinner, and what wash needs to go on.

Today he has taken DS1 paintballing, but I have had to book it, pay for it, pack them a lunch, find out directions, tell him what to take and just generally do all the organising.

Yesterday he texted me at work to ask where DD's gymnastics stuff was.

It's just grating on me a bit because, well, I'm exhausted. My weekend is going to be spent putting washing away and cleaning because neither of us have had time to do that in the week, which is fine, but I am feeling slightly swamped.

Is this par for the course, or will it adjust so that the parent who is at home more will do more thinking and organising?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 07/09/2013 09:26

Is it a case of him not having been doing it when you were at home as a CM so still not being sure? at least he is checking rather than not doing or doing things wrong.

Original poster

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:29

I think that's it. We had a gradual habing over of the riens though and I thought we'd covered all this, it's been an unpleasant shock to the system to realise he's expecting me to still be in charge of the house.

I want to stamp my feet and cry.

We'd agreed that it's his turn to be the 'wife' so I can build a career, his is stable and well paid and he can leave work at work and for years he's come home to dinner ready, bills paid, house clean. It's my turn now.

OP posts:

Pozzled · 07/09/2013 09:30

Yanbu to find that grating. However, as you say it will take time for both of you to adjust to the new routines. In the meantime, try to find ways of pre-empting the problem- can you sit down together and make a meal list for the week? Check that your DH knows where things like gym stuff are kept, and tell him that you'd prefer him not to call you for that kind of thing- he'll just have to muddle through.

Original poster

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:33

He did the online shop with me last week, with a view to taking that chore over, so he knows what meals we had planned. And I've been leaving him intructions at his request, so far we've had paella, a chicken and bacon thing, pies, really brilliant stuff from a man who didn't used to do any cooking.

I'm just having a bit of a whinge really. I'm sure he'll get it eventually.

OP posts:

Pozzled · 07/09/2013 09:35

"rather than not doing or doing things wrong"
I know it wasn't you that said this, OP, but do you think he is concerned about getting things 'wrong'? Because if he thinks things have to be done your way, he will of course keep asking you. He needs to know that he is in charge and that you won't stress if he puts a different wash on or whatever.

Pozzled · 07/09/2013 09:37

X-post. Like you say, it will all fall into place. Whinge away, it must be stressful making the transition to FT wohm.

Original poster

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:39

I've always made it clear that there's no right or wrong way but I think years of conditioning from his mother have led him to think that housework is mainly female territory and men are inferior at it. So he will always check with me. It drives me potty.

After I moved into his flat at the start of our relationship, he just handed me the reins. He asked me once how to use the washing machine. HIS washing machine. I haven't let him live that one down.

We'll get there though.

OP posts:

Hoolit · 07/09/2013 09:40

Yanbu but I think he'll get there. We did exactly this 3years ago, I'd become a cm in my career break so did everything. Then once youngest went to full time school a full time opportunity came up at work. We discussed it and I went for it. To start he was terrible, he'd ring to see what time I was leaving,, what to have for tea, missed clubs but then he was and still is brilliant. He remembers all school stuff, makes fab teas, deals with any home queries etc does a lot more house work then he did still not much but I'm a clean freak so probably can't win!

SillyTilly123 · 07/09/2013 09:40

My do is the same as this. I have to organise EVERYTHING. Even his work (he's self employed so I deal with all phone calls, admin, etc) As well as all my 3dds' stuff for school, docs/optician appointments. It's all just so wearing. Oh and I have to deal with his Mother (who I love so it's not that much of a problem) but she's just lost her partner and he's refusing to speak to her (we live away) because "he's not good at that stuff" Drives me mad.

Original poster

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:40

Ah brilliant, Hoolit, that's really good to hear!

OP posts:

Original poster

WayHarshTai · 07/09/2013 09:41

Oh Tilly, that's less good .

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 07/09/2013 09:41

I find it is not at all uncommon for the mother to be the one holding everything the family is doing in her head. Annoying.

Mindmaps · 07/09/2013 09:50

Honestly it two weeks ! He's stepped up to the mark really well and just needs time for things to become habit and routine . If he's still doing it in 2 months start saying I don't know what do you think.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/09/2013 10:10

Three phrases for you - "don't know", "haven't a clue" and "where you left it". All said cheerily but making it clear that you don't have superpowers!

Re:the paintballing. Why did you do all that? Especially directions. Did he ask you to get them? Then "sorry - don't have time - they'll be on the Internet" is sufficient. If he didn't then leave him to it. Either he'll sort it or he'll get lost - and then will sort it from then on.

If he is to be CEO of the house you have to let / make him take over.

Ooh and for the meals "I dunno - whatever has the earliest date" works wonders.

BoffinMum · 07/09/2013 10:15

My lot try to put me in this role and I spend a lot of time stepping back and denying all knowledge, not planning things so it all falls apart and they have to man up and sort it, etc. they get there in the end.

Hoolit · 09/09/2013 22:53

Ooo my first flowers
I think its just a different way of thinking and prioritising for him, give him a bit time. You could try small brief lists that get briefer over time ie leave out the washing basket, tea is anything from the freezer etc
Then you can enjoy your new roles.

CHJR · 09/09/2013 23:53

Sounds like he is doing his best, so you are very right to wail to us instead of him. Soon enough you may have to ask him where DC's games kit belongs, meanwhile brace for some annoyances like your best wool work skirt run through the dryer . Clever you for finding a man who is at least game ( albeit ignorant). Think how good it is for your DC to see this. {envy}

CHJR · 09/09/2013 23:53

And also sympathy coz YANBU

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2013 05:20

Goody, somewhere for me to have this rant. DD was ill today so couldn't go to preschool. Poor thing. DH stepped up and took a day off with her so I could go into work. It's my first day as 'staff' rather than contract so very important.

When I got home... The lasagna was in the oven but had been taken straight from the freezer and put in late. So still frozen. DD had a nap from 1 until FOUR O'CLOCK so was still up at 9pm. Laundry done, except my bra had gone though the dryer and now is missing a wire. DD had watched more TV, eaten more crap, had less fruit and veg and had her soother (should be just for naps) all day. It all just crap and half-arsed.

It's not like he doesn't know. He just does it all a bit shittily. He did step up and parent. I just want to roll my eyes and sigh.

NotDead · 10/09/2013 05:36

I only have work example but thought would mention in case helps. It was a case of over politeness where the 'what do ypu think' was really a constant asking for permission to decide but it did end up with a sigh and directive conversations until a gentle combonation of 'you have good ideas actually.. what would you do?' conversation and a 'wow that's great can I please leave tgat to you' response...

its so ingrained that women are in control of childcare that men can fall into the 'is that ok' mode and thereby end up feeling disempowered and that leads to checking and seeking reassurance at each turn. Saing 'you are great at' the things you would lije not to have to approve might help?

NotDead · 10/09/2013 05:45

oh and btw I have had a partner complain that she had to do all the thinking. . in fact what was happening is that it would be ' put a wash on, here..put it on at 60 you do know how to use a ' washing machine don't you.. here let me do it..have you taken it out it will snell damp if you don't' etc I started off saying 'ffs woman I have lived in my own for 10 years doing all of this and keeping a job and ten hobbies' when I got told off for being snippy . so then my policy was let her explain every time and give instruction and let it wash over .. and then she complained that she 'had' to do it even though there was never any need.

might be worth seeing what happens if you trust him to go through a learning process. .

Sugarbeach · 10/09/2013 05:48

Yanbu...what annoys me is the effort and time going into the thinking, organising, administering and doing to keep the household together is totally underestimated and unappreciated by my family....it's not work, it just happens apparently.

WaitingForMe · 10/09/2013 06:25

DH used to get a deadpan "I find it passive aggressive when you outsource your thinking to me. It's almost as though you think so little of my time that you feel free to make demands of it rather than waste a second of your own precious time doing these things yourself."

He doesn't do it any more.

CaptainSweatPants · 10/09/2013 06:35

Mrsterrypratchett

I'd put the extra long nap & use of smoother all day down to dd being ill though rather than Dh bring crap

RedHelenB · 10/09/2013 07:31

Let him put the washing away, that way he will know where things are. Oh & make sure the kids take responsibility for their things too, Just say "don't know" BUT don't flip if he does use his initiative & things are not done the same way as you would do them.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread