to not want to do all the thinking?

[WayHarshTai]

I have been working ft out of the house for two weeks now, before this I was a CM so at home.

To be fair to him, DH is brilliant, he has stepped into the breach with aplomb with childcare and cooking and has outdone himself there, he picks the DC up from the CM, brings them home, makes them do homework and music, cooks tea for all of us, gets them to their clubs etc. He's also doing the washing (although not putting it away).

I do all the morning stuff: pack bags, make lunches, drop off at CM and school. DH leaves at 7.30 and is back at 4.30, I work 9-6.

It's working well, I think, but it's going to take us a while to get into the swing of things.

However. My small whinge is that I am still doing all the organising and thinking. Every morning he asks what he shoudl cook for dinner, and what wash needs to go on.

Today he has taken DS1 paintballing, but I have had to book it, pay for it, pack them a lunch, find out directions, tell him what to take and just generally do all the organising.

Yesterday he texted me at work to ask where DD's gymnastics stuff was.

It's just grating on me a bit because, well, I'm exhausted. My weekend is going to be spent putting washing away and cleaning because neither of us have had time to do that in the week, which is fine, but I am feeling slightly swamped.

Is this par for the course, or will it adjust so that the parent who is at home more will do more thinking and organising?

My dh does the same (ie. leave all the thinking to me). My problem was that this huge effort goes unnoticed. It's invisible. He just doesn't see all the mental juggling that goes on in order to buy dd's friend a birthday present on Thursday, because we go swimming on Tuesdays and can't do it then, plus checking now to see if we have wrapping paper and Sellotape or else we'd have to make two visits to the shops. Oh, and having to wash dd's party clothes... and ask the mother (!) for directions, organise sharing the transport with another mum cos that would free up part of the day on Saturday and leave space for... erm.. more mental juggling.

I got very resentful in the end and tried the 'I haven't a clue how to get there'/'try Routefinder'/'have you actually got a brain in that head of yours??!!' Strategy. It's worked a little. He's a bit better. But at the level if a 12 year old boy. Hate the tension it causes, the rows, the fact he's never grown up. I feel weary too. Rant over.

Had this last night and could have cried. 'D'H works in an industry connected with computers. We are trying to get a room decluttered and there is an unused monitor. It hasn't been used for ten years. I have no idea what is needed to be done with the computing stuff in this house - but he expected me to do the thinking.

I let him off a lot of the thinking as his job is horrific but this is one area when he would know better than me. It is soul destroying.

Can you get those clear plastic boxes from IKEA & get him to label it gym kit whatever & then he puts it somewhere visible.

It's getting him to slowly think about things holistically as you've said it will take time because ypu have always done it.

I've written instructions out on A5 card & some may find it condescending but it works for us. For eg for one off trips:
1- Get the fulk address & postcode
2- input postcode into satnav & i-phone night before
3 - pack lunch / snacks
4- pack inhalor for ds
5 - pack spare clothes & jumper
6- take some spare cash from atm
7 - fill up car with petrol & check tyres etc

I have to do this step by step as my dh gets easily flustered & will forget bits so it helps if I have this stuck on the fridge door.

If your dh is asking about what to cook, then get him to meal plan, cook & shop so he can see how it all links together. Good luck.

I think it is very, very common for women to 'run the show' in terms of household and family organisation. Whoever said it wasn't work that was valued by male partners (in general, obviously there are exceptions) is right.

I think OP that your partner is in the category of 'trying' rather than genuinely not giving a shit - he certainly doesn't sound lazy and has agreed in principle to be in the role of the partner more engaged at home... so as tiring as it is now, I would aim for a gentle handover of duties. amd explain very clearly that you want to be able to hand over the thinking as well as the doing. That the two go together.

I do agree with WF though. Organising a family, from micro day to day activities to birthdays, relatives, school year etc etc IS a big deal. But it is invisible and unvalued work. I have had this exact conversation with my dp. When things are handed over to them, they often fuck it up not because they are not capable, functioning adults but because they simply don't make the effort, because they don't at heart feel it requires any. They may well have grown up in households where stuff just... y'know... happens. i.e their mums did it. And now we do. I think it often creeps up on us by stealth - the forgotten birthdays, the unwashed gym kit, the night-before panic about lunch boxes, the shopping trip that cost a bomb but left out all the staples because they hadn't looked in the cupboard to see what was running low - so many women end up thinking christ, I'll just do it myself... and then they do and it makes the whole problem worse because now the man is even further away from getting the practical knowledge he needs. He keeps on thinking it all just... happens. Without him.

It's taken me years to realise that the 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it' approach doesn't work, in our house, at least. Under this rule, DP gets to go about his day and work delightfully free of any 'must remember to do x' lists. He has more brain space and less head chatter, and so can focus on his work better (I too am the main earner in our house btw).

And when I ask him to do something, even though we've agreed it will happen, there's nearly always complaint/grumble/sulk and sometimes worse. Because it's just not been in his mind that he has to do anything. So now it all feels like a HUGE imposition that I personally have dumped on him. And he really does not put brainpower into the things he should. And no, it's not a case of 'well, he just does things DIFFERENTLY. You say potato, he says potahto' etc etc. It's a case of doing things badly and half heartedly. I don't care exactly what clothes DS wears to nursery. But if it's raining, pack a coat and wellies, like nursery ask for. Not a fucking t shirt and canvas shoes. If something gets rained on, don't leave it scrunched up in the bottom of the buggy, so it's wet and stinky next time you want to use it. And so on.

I have had some luck by explaining the principles of thinking, rather than doing the thinking... but we are still a long way from being remotely equal in all this. For example - if you do children's tea, don't ask me what they should have. Think about what they've had the last few days, and roughly what they've had today, then make a decision. Try not to give them the same tea every single day, and just make a stab at getting food groups down them (if they haven't had much protein or fruit all day, make sure you give them a protein/fruit heavy tea). Then use the kind of things they are eatng to give you a guide for when you go shopping. Etc etc etc. It has some effect - but he backslides so much. I do now just often tell him to think. That as an able bodied adult parent with no learning disabilities, he can do this himself. Think, and think sensibly. That's all.

I so hope the next generation won't be like this. I'm so tired of seeing capable intelligent women run ragged because they are compensating for male partners' inabilities and lack of willingness to take this stuff on. It's just parenting. Both parents should do it.

jeansthatfit that post was exactly how I feel, and what someone earlier said about it all being invisable so not noticed/appreciated. All dp has to worry about is work, he is a shelf stacker 2 days a week and gardener the rest-so not very mentally challenging. Like I said above I sort all school, medical, bills, shopping and cooking, as well as having to plan my days around taking him to and from work (he doesnt drive) and the sorting out all his gardening business stuff like admin, appointments etc AND drive him to and from his gardening jobs. Then he will make sly digs about the house being a mess! Wtf do you want me do? not sleep?

I really empathise with you.
When we had dc, my dh proved himself to be a lovely, caring, hands-on dad (as it should be, funny that that raises a comment eh?).
But he was constantly asking me what to cook, what we needed for the next day etc. He wouldn't do any house stuff unless I organised a house-cleaning session where we both worked at it. I am talking about wiping a surface, not spring cleaning the cupboards. When we had no dc, this sort of thing just got glossed over as we had time and energy to chat about it.

It broke me. I think I had some degree of PND. I gave up work because I didn't have the mental energy to do it (very extrovert and involved job) and come home and organise the home. Years on I can see I needed help, but then I was saying I needed help all the time and he couldn't get it. Lovely man, couldn't hear it.

Funnily enough he is brilliant now, he does most of the cleaning

So today I said to do that if he had everything in his head that I did his head would explode. He scoffed at me. Not an hour later we were driving to a clients house, he'd only done the back garden before and you have to walk around a few houses to get to the front. He said "how will I know which is the right house to do?" (client wanted front done as well) I said well it's number x, he said "I'll never remember that" I said fgs you just said you could handle what's in my head, but you cannot remember the number x?!" Honestly I think he's a lost cause.

SillyTilly I think you've a different sort of problem to the others on this thread TBH. How fucking dare he make digs about the house? He couldn't even do his own job without you.

Mine is much the same. He happily cooks, cleans, looks after dd, takes his turn for swimming lessons, brownies etc, he more domesticated and tidy than me for example. But he has to be prompted. I read "wife work", I understand the issue, but I think I am a bit of a control freak really, so actually prefer THIS reality to handing over the responsibility totally and then fretting about it.