to think there is a huge difference between parents and inlaws ...

[wonderingifiam2013]

however hard we try?

And I admit this is looking on as someone who is lucky enough to get on well with their parents and inlaws (I am fully aware this isn't everyone's situation)

Now don't get me wrong - I do love my inlaws and I'm very lucky to have an extended family that get on very well, but following a conversation with a friend, we came to the conclusion that although you try very hard with your inlaws to include them in your life and more importantly that of your DC's (their GC!) life ... the relationship just isn't the same and we seem to beat ourselves up in trying to make everything equal.

Our mothers gave birth to us, have unconditional love for us as US not just the bearer of their GC/sons partner or wife

We can say just what we like to our parents within reason, as them to us - whereas there is an 'etiquette' to behaving around inlaws

I would happily rock up to my parents, scruffs on, no make-up, raid their fridge ... revert back to being a teenager and feel very comfortable in doing that (although I'd like to add the adult version of teenage me now makes them brews, helps out around the house, gladly helps them with many internet queries etc ) - whereas I still often feel like a guest in my inlaws house (partly my fault in the way I've been brought up to 'behave' in other peoples houses!)

I will ensure my DC will grow up with the same love for both sets of GP's - as I did. But I just sometimes think we need to cut ourselves some slack when it comes to making such an effort to keep things equal and accept our parents love us more as their own children and in turn us them

Not the PIL bashing thread many of you expected I guess - just a conversation I thought I'd write down and see if it rings true with any others?

I'm not quite sure why the OP deserves such a bashing. I've lost a parent and I still know exactly what she means.

I am lucky to have great in-laws, I feel very welcome in their home but after being with DH for seven years I'm only just comfortable sticking the kettle on, how daft! I will comfortably slob out though. I would never raid the fridge! I always ask politely for anything.

At my Mum's I can do what I like, raid the fridge, whatever. I guess it's reverting back to being a teenager slightly including being asked what time I'm going or be home!

I don't understand why people get so irate either. The OP was making a generalisation but I'm sure she wasn't trying to suggest that no one ever gets on better with their inlaws than their parents.

I've started early with this. I have sons and I'm impressing on them how important it is that they share the responsibility for family relationships with their partners ie they take their share of responsibility for family get togethers, sending birthday cards, popping over etc etc.

Where one partner is left to shoulder this, of course they are likely to favour their own side of the extended family - parents, siblings etc and this would be fairly natural. Also, shared responsibility is only right and fair.

I'm going to do my very best to be a good MIL but I confess that I'm dreading a DIL who doesn't 'get' that if my son loves me, it doesn't mean that he loves her less - the old 'not a pie' thing.

Also, having not had grandparents, they don't know what a lifesaver that relationship can be. I'm hoping to be able to give their partners and children the offer of the kind of things we missed out on as a family iyswim.

I'm much more comfortable with my parents
My mum is much more relaxed with me than with my sil.
My husband is comfortable wiyh mine. I decided long ago that the primary responsibility for the ILs lies with my husband. And for my family with me. Both see plenty of the children but if they didn't it would be my husband's "fault". Happier all round for us.

What a silly OP.

Of course you're closer to your parents (as a general rule) than your PIL. They're your parents yur PIL are not.

But your PIL are your DHs parents so just as important to him.

That's why we should do all the equally including everyone thing, even though we'd rather spend every christmas with our own mother.

You don't need to cut yourself any slack, or congratulate yourself, just be pleased that you both continue to do the right thing by both sets of parents, even though only one set is yours.

Tbh your OP is very confusing you keep talking about us when I think you mean me, and note husbands mothers also gave birth to them and love them unconditionally equally as much as yours. That's where the equal thing kicks in.

I love my in-laws more than my own parents! It's sad but true. I see my in-laws almost everyday (they live 5 doors down from us) I haven't seen my parents for 8 years. My grandparents I see every Wednesday evening after work and Sunday with out fail.

We all have Sunday dinner together every Sunday at my house. (in-laws and grandparents Plus DH brothers)

I'm struggling to see what's concerning you.

You're closer to your parents than your in-laws. That's fairly normal. I doubt your in-laws would expect anything different. So long as you all get along - what's the problem?

Btw, I don't know anyone who makes an effort to keep the two relationships equal. Why would you?

For me, there were 2 reasons the PIL relationship has been so much less than with my own mother (dad died 8 weeks before oldest was born):

when expecting DD1 their immediate reaction (ie before congratulations) was to say "I do hope you dont expect us to babysit?"

and then when SIL (their daughter) was expecting her first, I was told "it's lovely when your son's wife has a child, but SO much more exciting when it's your own daughter".

17 years later, despite my best efforts, the relationship has not flourished - and in fact, PIL's reaction has damaged their relationship with their own son.

OP Every individual has personal relationships with all around them. I don't know why you have to get all excited about discovering a difference between your love for your own and your dh's parents.

I love my parents more.
DH loved his parents more.

We're marriednto each other so as a family we spent equal amounts of time with each, just did, didn't have to plan it.

Individually we spent more time with our own parents.

I was always more relaxed at my mums, but I'm married to DH and he had a mother too.

I really don't think you've struck on some amazing never before understood truth here OP.