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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there is a huge difference between parents and inlaws ...

61 replies

wonderingifiam2013 · 06/09/2013 16:36

however hard we try?

And I admit this is looking on as someone who is lucky enough to get on well with their parents and inlaws (I am fully aware this isn't everyone's situation)

Now don't get me wrong - I do love my inlaws and I'm very lucky to have an extended family that get on very well, but following a conversation with a friend, we came to the conclusion that although you try very hard with your inlaws to include them in your life and more importantly that of your DC's (their GC!) life ... the relationship just isn't the same and we seem to beat ourselves up in trying to make everything equal.

Our mothers gave birth to us, have unconditional love for us as US not just the bearer of their GC/sons partner or wife

We can say just what we like to our parents within reason, as them to us - whereas there is an 'etiquette' to behaving around inlaws

I would happily rock up to my parents, scruffs on, no make-up, raid their fridge ... revert back to being a teenager and feel very comfortable in doing that (although I'd like to add the adult version of teenage me now makes them brews, helps out around the house, gladly helps them with many internet queries etc ) - whereas I still often feel like a guest in my inlaws house (partly my fault in the way I've been brought up to 'behave' in other peoples houses!)

I will ensure my DC will grow up with the same love for both sets of GP's - as I did. But I just sometimes think we need to cut ourselves some slack when it comes to making such an effort to keep things equal and accept our parents love us more as their own children and in turn us them

Not the PIL bashing thread many of you expected I guess - just a conversation I thought I'd write down and see if it rings true with any others?

OP posts:

SpottedDickandCustard · 06/09/2013 17:08

Your situation is not always the case.......

I have no relationship with either of my parents (1 disappeared when I was young and the other one is a narcissistic and unpleasant individual who pops in and out of my life depending on how the wind is blowing!).

My PIL on the other had are lovely people and I feel completely comfortable with both of them. I often do rock up to their house in my scruffs and lounge on their sofa!

I guess it depends on what your parents/PIL are like?

MaxPepsi · 06/09/2013 17:09

It's true for me, my family home is very laid back and relaxed and my siblings and I treat it like just that. Our home.

PIL house to me however is not a home, never really has been as they moved into it when my DH and SIL had either already flown the nest or were about to.

DH is far more comfortable with my parents than his own, he'd have no problem raiding my mum's fridge, and does, or helping himself to tea/juice/beer but even he wouldn't do that at his mum's. She'd have a right face on bless her.

CHJR · 06/09/2013 17:10

BTW, my mother died when I was just hitting the teens and I didn't really feel upset by any implication that we're being told we're losing out, Onthebottom I guess because I feel I did lose out, and this is one of the many ways. It's not a reflection on my ILs that I am more comfortable with the family I grew up in, and vice-versa. In our case there are huge cultural and background differences, and after all, ILs and I have never actually lived together. god forbid, for their sake as well as mine!-- But I do wish my DC could have met BOTH their grandmothers and that I could have both women around driving me crazy with useless interference no doubt.

CHJR · 06/09/2013 17:13

That said, my DF has more ability to get my goat, most of the time, than FIL. And DP's parents often annoy DH more than they do me. Parents know which buttons to push (as someone one said on MN while I was still just lurking, they know the buttons coz they programmed them into you).

Oblomov · 06/09/2013 17:14

My mil is lovely. She phones to speak to dh. But if he isn't here, she talks to me. Tells me all about her water infections etc.

Dh is much more formal with my mum. But she is a bit more formal. And I think that's dh's nature.
Where as I am different.
I think this has more to do with my and dh's personality than it does with the personalities of mil's.

SeaSickSal · 06/09/2013 17:16

My mother in law was absolutely amazing and I loved her very much, she was a great friend to me.

She suffered very deeply because of my bitch of a sister in law who believed that when men marry they should jettison their families as only the woman's family should matter. Which she once expressed violently by hitting her when she was in her late 60s.

I really do hate this attitude some women have that their partners parents are somehow interlopers on their family and they can't see that although the relationship is different for them it's exactly the same for their partner.

I will ensure my DC will grow up with the same love for both sets of GP's isn't noble. It's exactly as it should be because they are the same.

catsrus · 06/09/2013 17:17

not the case for me - much closer to my MIL than I was to my mother - though closer to my dad than my late FIL. Still very close to now ex-MIL and ALL her grandchildren are closer to her than other sets of GPs (some maternal, some paternal). Some people are simply easier to be with than others

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/09/2013 17:18

My DH is more comfortable with his ILs

melika · 06/09/2013 17:20

I totally agree with you OP, I could say anything to my Mom within reason. Cry, laugh and chat. I loved my Mom, I am her.

My inlaws on the other hand, I always felt like putting on a face for them, but now mil has died, I would gladly tell my FIL to eff off most of the time. He is a bastard!!

SueDoku · 06/09/2013 17:38

It works the other way round as well - I'm more 'at home' at my DD's house than my DS's, despite my DIL being lovely and her entire family always treating me like a family member. I'm still aware that it's her house, and although I always help by cooking, washing up and so on, I never feel that I can just open a cupboard to search for a snack etc in the way that I do at my DD's.

I'm also always very aware of how my DS & DIL are raising their DC - and am very careful not to give presents etc that I know that my DIL will disapprove of - whereas with my DD's DC, I 'know' what she likes from long intimacy, and feel much more relaxed about what I can do with my DGC....

ShowOfHands · 06/09/2013 17:40

I am as at home in my ILs' house as I am in my parents'. I raid the fridge, help myself, sit around in my PJs, run myself a bath, laugh, banter, bicker etc. They are my family as much as my family are. I am probably very lucky in this respect. I see ILs without DH there all the time, have lunch with MIL a few times a week, visit them most weekends, go and stay with them when dh works nights. I genuinely love them. They're my family and I refer to my BILs and SIL as my siblings.

DH and I were teen sweethearts though so I've grown up with them and while I'm only 32, I've known the ILs for a couple of decades and I think that shows in our relationship.

Mintyy · 06/09/2013 17:40

I think the op is a huge generalisation and a bit daft.

Oblomov · 06/09/2013 17:44

And what IS indisputable is that both GP's are the same to your children. There is no difference. The Grandparents are the parents of dc's parents. Doesn't matter which, mum's mum or dad's mum. Mum's dad or Dad's dad.
It doesn't matter to THEM.
It only MAY matter to YOU.

That's why I don't like it, when mum on Mn says, I don't like my kids seeing mil. That is the mum putting her preference on the situation.
THAT is wrong.

nomorecrumbs · 06/09/2013 17:44

HavantGuard - so is mine. My parents are laid-back, just like him, whereas he's always freakily a bit scared of his own parents, who are rather uptight and less chatty.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 06/09/2013 17:48

Ah, don't mind me, I'm being a prickly fucker.

But I do think you are being a little simplistic. I spend more time with my MIL than my DH does, talk to her more etc. Of course she's not my mother, but we get on very well.

Original poster

wonderingifiam2013 · 06/09/2013 17:50

Oh SueDoku and Showofhands - I LOVE both your posts! Sue - this makes me realise that this could be how my MIL feels in my house. I always make a point of saying that she can help herself to anything ... but I don't think she would unless I wasn't there! so I will make more of an effort to make her at ease in my house.

And Showofhands - I truly hope what you have written about your inlaws is how my SIL (DB's wife) feels about my parents (her inlaws - wow this is confusing!) as we have jointly lounged around in our pj's in the past on my parents sofa and I truly feel she's like a sister to me too :)

For what it's worth - I haven't made a huge generalisation as I said in my original post how I was fully aware not every situation is like mine ... I was just sharing mine and my friends views and ultimately how we shouldn't be beating ourselves up so much!

OP posts:

HavantGuard · 06/09/2013 17:51

Pretty much same with mine. His parents are very rigid.

nomorecrumbs · 06/09/2013 17:58

Yes! Rigid is a brilliant word for it. They only loosen up after ten a few glasses of wine. Prior to that, it's a bit hard work. I can see why they've been great parents to the whole troop of boys they've had though they'll be great at helping me set the boundaries when DS is a bit older!

I can so see DS calling my parents 'weird or funny grandma/grandpa' and 'normal grandma/grandpa'...wonder which ones he'll get on with best!

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/09/2013 18:00

Well I'm not especially keen on my mother but I felt a damn sight more comfortable calling her for help when I fell off the loo and couldn't either get up or pull my knickers than I would have done with any of my previous inlaws.

hardboiledpossum · 06/09/2013 18:13

I am much more comfortable in my mothers company than mil. Just as dp is more comfortable in his mothers company than with my mother.
Ds is equally close to all grandparents. He sees them all at least once a week so has built get relations with all.

FeetUpUntilChristmas · 06/09/2013 18:23

Sometimes it's not whether thy are your DM or MIL, but how the house is run. My DM has the chaotic approach, you help yourself to drinks, snacks etc. and if you are there at a meal time you get fed if you are hungry. I know my SIL feels quite at home there, helping herself to food as does my husband. On the other hand MIL plans all food and I'm not sure even FIL helps himself (although this might be a slight exaggeration). She did learn eventually when my DC were small to keep in biscuits and fridge snacks for them, as each time they visited they would always be hungry.

wigglesrock · 06/09/2013 18:31

I've known my in-laws for over 20 years, I love my mother in law, she doesn't do that judgy thing my Mum does My mil has known me since I was 17, she treats me much more as an equal than my Mum if that makes sense.

I'm the first person my mil rings if there's "bad news", she has come to me and asked me if I can take her to the Dr etc for tests. She was the one who gave me confidence re my parenting ability. Obviously I love my Mum and I know that she loves me but it can be a more fraught relationship - we weren't particular close through my teens and twenties.

It's hard to explain, but my mil and father in law love and respect and trust me for being me.

ThisWayForCrazy · 06/09/2013 18:57

I regard my inlaws much the same as my parents. I take their advice equally, I ask their advice equally. But there is a bond with my parents, forged over 35 years. That can't be replicated.

blondefriend · 06/09/2013 19:01

I must be very lucky. I will let myself into my PIL house, help myself to the fridge (and a beer), even invite my friends round if they're having a party. My MIL will do the same at ours. It's helped by the fact we love so close to each other (1 mile) and have very similar personalities and interests. In fact there are things she will ask me to do with her before her own 2 daughters. I love my PIL as much as my own parents and feel totally at ease with them all.

diddl · 06/09/2013 20:04

Do people really raid other people's fridges?

What are in said fridges to be raided?

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