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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be grateful when people just give me stuff they don't want.

42 replies

GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 11:13

Specifically annoying me this morning, a crap, blue, mini chair (think baby patio chair).

It's not especially safe as it tips over very easily. It looks rubbish. We didn't ask for it or even know the person very well who gave it to us (friend of ILs, we were at their house and the way she did it would have made it very rude to refuse).

But I hate waste and I hate clutter. And the fact is that we do need a chair for DS's little table. And now I can't justify buying another one and it'll be a pain to get rid of it and so unless I can talk myself round and just take it to the tip we're stuck with it.

AIBU or is it not just me who thinks it's rude to simply dump stuff you want to clear out onto other people??!

DISCLAIMER we've had some great hand-me-downs too but friends have always asked if we want the stuff first, I LOVE that sort of stuff-dumping!

OP posts:
FloraPost · 05/09/2013 11:18

YANBU, get rid of it. You don't need a chair that tips easily.

claraschu · 05/09/2013 11:19

You don't have to take things you don't want, and it's easy to throw out a small blue chair. Smash it up and stick it in the trash. I don't think the person was rude to give you the chair, and you would not have been rude to say "no thanks" to it.

ElsieOops · 05/09/2013 11:19

If you don't like it but think it is usable then put it on freecycle/freegle and failing that dump it. You aren't under obligation to keep other people's rubbish.

Then get your child something you will love.

tywysogesgymraeg · 05/09/2013 11:20

Don't take it to the tip - unless it really is unsafe. Donate it to a charity shop. There's far too much waste in landfills as it is..

Beeyump · 05/09/2013 11:20

Burn it, use it as fuel! Then it will have been useful.
I love your username, Florapost Smile

fatlazymummy · 05/09/2013 11:21

Totally agree with you OP. I hate clutter as well and I hate being given stuff that I haven't specifically asked for.

EmmelineGoulden · 05/09/2013 11:22

YANBU to not be gratefu. But YABU to take the stuff and then bitch about other people who probably have no idea they aren't being helpful because you won't make your own life better. Just say no or bin the stuff/ebay/freecycle as soon as you get home.

Original poster
GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 11:29

because you won't make your own life better Grin I'm not sure this puts me into the sloth category, it's simply that a) now we have a chair, getting rid and buying another one just seems a bit wasteful, especially as toddler chairs have such a relatively short life span (but long enough to annoy me) and b) there are ethical ways to get rid of it but all require another item on my to-do-list, which is always enormous.

Burn it Grin

I'm glad I'm not completely alone in this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 11:39

Oh and also... Drip feed... It really would have been a bit rude (and embarrassing for ILs) if we'd said no. We weren't asked if we'd like it, it was presented in the same way as a gift. I'll definitely take the annoyance/inconvenience on my part over the embarrassment it would have caused them.

But I still think the chair is rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 11:44

Oh god I'm off now. My DH does it too. He was 'offering' an old piece of our kit to a friend the other day. Their baby is nearly beyond the stage at which it would be any use at all and friend was demonstrably unexcited about receiving the piece of kit.

But DH was all 'we'll bring it over anyway, both ours have loved it, etc etc' with the only notable benefit to anyone being that it's out of our house.

He didn't get what was wrong with that, either Confused

OP posts:
ElsieOops · 05/09/2013 11:48

In a very similar position I was "gifted" a manky pushchair in which the carrycot bit didn't even lock into position properly. I was skint at the time but still got rid of it and bought one I actually wanted instead.

britaxmaxwayuser · 05/09/2013 11:52

I hate it too, it drives me fricking nuts. Since I got pregnant, and now a mum, people just think they can offload their old shit stuff onto me as it gets it out of their house and makes them feel better about not landfilling it I am sure. Even when I say no, which I always do if I get chance. Friend texted me last week to see if I wanted any clothes for when my daughter is a year older, I said no, went round her house and had said of bag of clothes foisted upon me anyway after a 10 minute discussion during which I said no thank you about 6 times!

When I was pregnant, people didn't offer stuff, they left by the front door as they came in for a coffee or whatever. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I really didn't need or want most of it and spent most of my pregnancy sorting through bags and bags of old shit stuff trying to work out which to keep and which to then drive to a charity bin. A lot of it was badly stained! Multiply it by 10 friends and you end up with sackfuls of stuff, it drove me insane.

Nobody ever asks, they just dump and run in my experience!

I have NO spare storage space and I am the opposite of a hoarder, before you judge me for being an ungrateful cow!

DIYapprentice · 05/09/2013 11:58

now we have a chair, getting rid and buying another one just seems a bit wasteful, especially as toddler chairs have such a relatively short life span (but long enough to annoy me)

And THIS is exactly why they gave you the chair. You are perpetuating the mindset that these people have. To what point? If you hadn't been given the chair, you would have bought a suitable one.

So either just dump the thing or use it and quit griping that someone else has the same mindset which you clearly have.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2013 11:59

Yes, I think it is extremely rude to give other people the contents of your bins.

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 12:00

You could just say no.
I have had a number of lovely things donated and have been delighted by them. Other things I've been offered and turned them down, politely saying that someone else would love it and it would be a shame not to let them have that chance.
What's the problem?

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 12:01

I could understand the issue if you were waking up in the morning and finding a couple of black sacks on your doorstep, but that's not happening.

Bumblequeen · 05/09/2013 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

NeopreneMermaid · 05/09/2013 12:02

If it's well intentioned, YABU. If it's just a way to get rid of crap without the guilt of landfill (presumably because they don't think it's good enough to sell or donate to charity), YANBU.

We've had both inc some really lovely clothes and toys.

The worst was next-door neighbours moving out who dumped a load of massive broken and filthy toys with missing pieces on our lawn as a "present" because they couldn't be arsed to take them to the tip. I cleaned them up and tried to find a use for them but we ended up taking them to the tip. It really was a pile of utter rubbish. Angry

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 12:04

Shock Dump and run?
I've never had that happen brittax, how rude of them!

cingolimama · 05/09/2013 12:09

I'm with you on the waste and clutter, but really OP this is a bit neurotic. OK, you take the "gift" which is nice of you to consider their feelings. But you don't have to live with it. Get rid of it if it tips or is aesthetically offensive. And yes you can justify buying a new one (or a second-hand new one)!

flatmum · 05/09/2013 12:09

I have to agree a bit - you feel bad and ungrateful but I have some relatives that do this, every time they come round they bring all their old junk that nobody wants and jsut put it down in my house. Even if I say no they just leave without it and then I have to tak eit to the dump. I think people should ask whether you could use it before coming round with it as a fait accompli.

Original poster
GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 12:10

DIY Confused the same mindset? The 'gifter' is someone we barely know, she wouldn't have any idea whether we were in need of a toddler chair or not. Is that what you mean - that she thought she was saving us from having to buy one?

See above re dumping the thing.

elsie I would have done the same as you in that situation, you don't need a manky pushchair, you use it all the time, they sleep in it. I suppose it's because ultimately, when DD is just a bit more steady (which won't be long at all) the chair is fit for purpose. It's just so naff.

britaxmaxway Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
GetYourSocksOff · 05/09/2013 12:11

neoprene that would piss me RIGHT off.

OP posts:
musicposy · 05/09/2013 12:13

OP I get it entirely.
We are clearing out our garage to convert it for a bedroom for DD1. DD1 and I worked all weekend decluttering, trips to tip, etc. DH went over to his parents. They'd already offered us stuff to car boot but I'd said no, we had enough of our own to deal with.

DH came back with a load of stuff that used to be his nans (so won't part with it but massive furniture items) a huge pile of books, a crate of toys much too young for our teens, literally a car full of stuff. I nearly cried there and then, the whole day's work undone. To be fair, I don't think they were rude as such but they did want to get rid of junk and we are an easy recepticle. I was more cross with DH for not saying no.

I told DH if he wanted to keep it to find other stuff to tip but so far he hasn't. The toys wentvout the next day, though.
No one has noticed or asked and I'm certain they won't.

My parents also try to offload crap on us but I now just say a firm no we haven't the room. To which DDad often says "nor have we" to which I now say "throw it out then:.

I think some people have trouble with the guilt of throwing stuff / thinking of their once loved possessions being tipped, so it's easier for them to offload it.

addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 12:13

When my middle child was a baby there was a mum at the school who decided that I would like all the hand-me-downs from her daughter (who is about 4 years older than DD). Every bloody school pick up time she'd come up to me with yet another Tesco bag full of crap stained, bobbly, worn clothes. Some were so faded that the wash instructions had vanished from the labels. She even gave me secondhand knickers for DD (with the motif all faded off, natch), and ODD SOCKS! Seriously, at the bottom of the bag there would just be a pile of mismatched, dirty, faded bobbly, holey old socks!

I would literally drive from the school straight to the local co-op to put them in the clothes recycling container. In the end I had to say to her that I appreciate the thought but that DD had loads of clothes so it would probably be best for her to pass them on to someone else in future. She soon targeted another mum at the school and started giving it all to her!

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