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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want 2 kids close together?

66 replies

ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 04/09/2013 20:51

Disclaimer first - I'm not even pregnant yet, and probably won't be for a while, but was talking about plans for future etc with oh, and I said I want two babies really close
Together, and that I thought it was nice when babies were less than a year difference in age. He thought this was funny because he's got a dd from a previous relationship and has a better idea of newborn babies.

Is it that unreasonable to want this? Has anyone deliberately tried for this or is it usually and accidental pregnancy they'll second time?

I just think it would be nice for them to be more or less going through the same stages together.

I am prepared to be told I'm living in a fantasy land though Grin

OP posts:
PanicMode · 04/09/2013 21:48

I had 15 months between my first two. I had such a traumatic birth with my first that I thought that if I analysed it all, I would never have another - so we cracked on fairly quickly.

In some respects it's brilliant as you haven't come out of the baby phase and it's easy to just slot another one in. Now that they are 9 and 8, they fight/compete all of the time whilst at the same time being the best of friends and hating to be apart from each other!

I have two more, and had slightly bigger gaps - eldest is 9, youngest 3 - so life is quite hard work (!), but to be honest, you make whatever gap you have work - you don't always have a choice as it may take longer/shorter to get pg than you thought.....

Bloob · 04/09/2013 21:49

I'm pg with dc 3 and will have a 22 month age gap. I'm terrified! Reading these threads gives me shivers! I think choosing under a year would be bonkers. Sorry!

We had a 3 yr age gap the first time and it was great. But this time went for a shorter gap because we didn't want dc 1 and 3 to be too far apart in terms of days out etc wanted 2&3 to be close etc.

I think there are pros and cons of every age gap tbh and I think you need to find what works for you and your family. I do think though that 2 yrs ish is the min I'd consider...

mimitwo · 04/09/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuckonsmallrock · 04/09/2013 21:50

15 mos between my DD's. The first year was the worst thing I have ever, ever, done. After that, it's brilliant. DD2 was much loved & planned... but with a history of PCOS I did not expect to conceive straight away. tbh the close age gap very very nearly finished me off in the early days, but as a mum to a just 7 & nearly 6 year old it is great!

Alanna1 · 04/09/2013 21:50

I have an intentional 18m gap. Whist both were under 2 it was damn hard work.but getting easier. Have the first and see how you do!

Karoleann · 04/09/2013 21:52

Just have one first - you'll know when you're ready to have number two.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/09/2013 21:54

I think it's a very good point about spending time with your first. The love you have for your baby is so overwhelming, I don't think many parents can imagine wanting another one for a while because your baby fills your life with love - you just don't have a need for another baby.

DD will be 2 when DC2 is born, and I am cherishing every day of being able to give her my undivided attention, in addition to enjoying the relative freedom of only having one child!

ZeroTolerance · 04/09/2013 22:00

OP you cannot possibly have a sensible opinion on this when you don't even have one baby yet. You cannot begin to comprehend the reality of life with a newborn until it happens. Why even post the question? It's not as though they make you declare your intentions with the purchase of your first pregnancy test.

Edendance · 04/09/2013 22:05

I've nannied for many pairs of siblings close together in age and I really don't like that element I have to say. I think expecting what is, effectively a baby to be thrust into the role of older sibling is unfair on them and make for much more stressful situations as they attempt to understand the sudden change in their relationship with their Mum and Dad.

The children playing together with age gaps of 18m or less particularly are really difficult as their styles of play clash completely yet the eldest is not old enough to play in their room on their own so constantly have to make allowances for the younger sibling or the younger sibling constantly has to be removed. Yes of course lessons such as sharing etc are fantastic to be learnt but there's time for that, let babies be babies first.

I'm planning on my own being 3-4 years apart at least, and that comes from years of experience with those toddler years.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/09/2013 22:05

20 months between first 2 and 4 1/2 years between the second and third children. The smaller gap is harder initially but I regret the bigger gap far more in the longer term even though all of them get on very well.

I think the jump from 1 child to 2 is more difficult than the jump between no children to 1 child.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/09/2013 22:08

Wow ZeroTolerance you're really living up to your name. OP can post whatever question she likes, surely?

Did you mean to be so rude?

CeliaLytton · 04/09/2013 22:10

Agree with the poster who said short term pain for long term gain. As regards what gaps people did or didn't like with their own siblings, this depends on the personalities of the individuals and the attitude of the parents, some children/adults will like having close age siblings, some will hate it! But as the parent, harder in the short term but a possible playmate for life.

Of course, it may all be outside your control, best laid plans and all that, or number one might be a non-sleeping, hourly feeding banshee screamer til it is two and you may change your mind... Grin Good luck whatever happens.

CeliaLytton · 04/09/2013 22:10

Doh, short answer, YANBU!

ZeroTolerance · 04/09/2013 22:15

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

GrinGrinGrin You've spent too long on MN LetsFaceTheMusic.

Anyway, the answer is yes. If the OP can post any hypothetical question she likes - I can respond as I see fit.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/09/2013 22:18

You absolute charmer Smile

Fairdene · 04/09/2013 22:35

I used no contraception so conceived as and when. Several of my DC are close in age (16 months, 15 months, 14 months, 21 months, 15 months etc) and I think they're fine with it that way. It was quite hard work, possibly harder than I realised at the time, but they always had company and playmates and I'm not quite sure why the company of a parent should be thought of as inherently better than that of a sibling. I tend to think my DCs were better company for each other in the early years than I would have been. But at the end of the day any formula can work, given the energy and will. There really is no ideal and it's arrogant of anyone to suggest that there is.

DorisIsWaiting · 04/09/2013 22:37

I have 23 months between each of mine (3dd's) and it was bloody hard work I lost about 3 years in a fog of sleep deprivation, bf, and just the general demands of young children.

To have them with the year (or less) gap would put a huge strain on your body ( and relationship). My physio once said it takes 9 months to grow a baby and 9 months to recover. I don't think he was far wrong 18months would be the shortest gap I would even consider. (although I didn't consider with mine it was more and "oops we did it again" than any real planning Blush).

Fairdene · 04/09/2013 22:45

Celia quite, about short term pain etc. Mine are mostly grown up and it was definitely worth it for long term gain.

With respect Edendance I don't think a nanny who hasn't yet had children of her own can take the long view. Were the parents you worked for parents who worked on the whole or SAHPs who were prosperous enough to afford bought in support? The answer may affect the peculiar psychology of the kids, and would be interesting.

Fairdene · 04/09/2013 22:49

Doris speaking from personal experience several times over I agree completely in retrospect about the strain on the mother's body and relationship. That's somewhat distinct from the advantages for the DC themselves. Not wholly distinct, but also not square on. IME over time the body picks up.

Retroformica · 04/09/2013 23:05

I think having two young kids very similar in age is like having two lively young puppy's together. I think discipline/boundaries can be hard to enforce.

I once read that the perfect gap according to psychologists is 3 years because the older child has a full babyhood. We don't have a 3 year gap.

I think any gap can work but it depends much upon the personalities of the children. It's probably less stressful with a bigger gap though.

DrCoconut · 04/09/2013 23:20

It's not for me, DS2 is 2.5 yrs and I'm not anywhere near ready for a DC3, but many people have them close together and cope well.

MammaTJ · 04/09/2013 23:21

Every one of my DC were planned. I wanted two close together the first time around, but after we had DD1, my now ExH did not want any more.

By the time she was 10 1/2 I had DD2 with my DP, then 54 weeks later, I had DS.

It was not too hard to begin with, while DS still stayed where he was put and took long naps during the day, then it got really hard for a while, but I knew it would.

DD was 8 a couple of weeks ago and DS is 7 tomorrow.

It is now a lot easier, although I feel like a referee a lot of the time. They do clearly love each other though and can play together sometimes.

I would say, see how your (theoretical) baby is when it becomes a reality, then decide whether you could cope with one that may or may not be harder in adition to that one!

SHarri13 · 04/09/2013 23:25

20 months between the first two which worked really well for us, they're very good friends.

I'm 18 months older than my brother, we get/ got along very well.

Just do what feels right for you x

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/09/2013 23:29

I once read that to avoid the worst of sibling rivalry you should either have less than 18 months or more than 3 years.

We have a 3 year gap. It is very nice. Dd understands who ds is, why he is here and that we still love her. She also has 15 hours of pre school a week which gives me a chance to stare at Ds adoringly without her getting fed up and catch up on sleep / housework / sanity.

On the downside I think that a 3 year age gap with a girl older and boy younger will mean that thegap will be too big too straddle for them to be friends until well into adulthood. (I have a brother 2 years younger and that was my experience.)

thebody · 04/09/2013 23:36

hi op I can talk from both ends of the scale.

I had 2 boys 15 months apart. waited 9 years and had 2 girls 15 months apart.

having them close gives the siblings an amazing bond and support to each other at school. ( my experience anyway).

the huge gap gives my dds 2 extra daddies to fuss over them now they are in twenties and the girls are teens.

however I think a lot if crap is spouted about age gaps.

loving home = loving kids.