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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About the amount of contact between dp and his ex?

48 replies

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 15:25

So I have no idea whether I am being unreasonable. It's distorting our relationship because neither of us can see the other side.

Dp and his ex split nearly 2 years ago. He had to go to court to secure access as she tried to withhold it.

He has every other weekend + 2 during the week but is fighting for more.

They have a strange "relationship" but in summary she rings him any where between 4-6 times a day always on the pretence that the child (6) wants to talk to him, but she always wants a chat too. When the child is with dp she rings to make sure everything is ok, even if its only an hour or 2 after pick up. Usually FaceTime.

He "pops round" to hers a few times a week just to see the child, even though its minutes from his own house, she pops round to his too.

It just seems to be getting more and more cosy and it's not sitting right with me. My ex and I have an amicable relationship but I wouldn't dream of calling him 6 times a day or popping round every night.

Is this normal? Should I suck it up?

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/09/2013 15:27

The calling is weird and it is all crossing boundaries.

Of course it's not normal. I certainly wouldn't have that much contact with DS's dad. It's far more than is neccasary.

Montybojangles · 04/09/2013 15:28

No, its not at all normal. I'm suprised there's room/ time for you in between all the calls and impromptu visits!

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 15:35

Sorryin the interests of fairness I should of said he rings every morning/night then in between times it's her.

When my child is with ex I tend to just let them be, maybe a call at bed time but I trust that everything is fine, and that they are spending time together that I shouldn't be interfering in.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2013 15:36

Sounds like they are going to get back together

Too much heat in the relationship still

for you

Fairylea · 04/09/2013 15:38

Nope not normal. Especially considering there is a good amount of contact with the dc anyway!

Tell him to get the child a pay as you go phone and then see how the ex reacts to that.. ! If his dc wants to talk .. well they have their own phone to ring him from.

All very odd to me.

But then ex and I have been split 10 years since dd was a baby and we never talk to each other at all unless it's about contact arrangements or what the other parent has got her for birthdays or Christmas. That is literally it.

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 15:41

He says I'm trying to stop him from seeing his child. Really I'm not, I've been by his side through court and everything else, but I just can't get my head round them spending time at each others houses playing happy families. If they lived 100 miles away I could kinda get it but it just seems unecessary

He says I'm paranoid and unreasonable and there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to pop in and see his child

OP posts:

SilverApples · 04/09/2013 15:46

So, they split less than two years ago, how long have you and he been together, and was he the one who initiated the split?
It seems like a lot of calls, he obviously wants to keep excellent contact with his child and that is good, presumably he's heading for 50% split?
I think you need to sit down and talk, and set out exactly what is bothering you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 04/09/2013 15:49

Not normal at all op :(

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 15:51

I have tried to explain but he doesn't get it

50/50 or more

OP posts:

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/09/2013 15:57

But he basically has 50/50.

2/5 weeknights and half of all weekends.

He wants 2.5 weeknights?

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 16:04

He wants more.

And I'm cool with that, just not if it involves sitting at each others houses like its perfectly normal

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 04/09/2013 16:04

Were you the OW OP?

JumpingJackSprat · 04/09/2013 16:11

Ah look the good old MN cliche. what difference does it make to the situation if she was the OW? Answer? Absolutely fucking none. The ex is overstepping. OP if you want constructive advice maybe pop over to step parenting board.

MistressDeeCee · 04/09/2013 16:14

He doesnt live with his child..how much more contact does he need to have? There are lots of men using child/presenting happy family unit for child as an excuse to be around their ex-partner as much as possible, with the new partner in the background of all this feeling more & more unstable in the relationship. His ex wont truly move on as he is always there, in the wings. It works in a similar way vice versa. They both know what theyre doing.

There are no boundaries here. & ex doesnt respect your relationship as she doesnt need to. Id be amazed if they didnt get back together eventually. Thats if theyre not together now, at least when he is always round there. Even if he does see his DC more, it doesnt need to be at their home. If its more at the home, then its because he wants to be there with them. If the tables were turned & your ex were always around, I am sure he'd be going crazy.

Sorry to hear youre in this situation but unpleasant as it is, this man isnt for you. He isnt taking care of your relationship and will only be happy if you put up and shut up - which, I doubt you will. Doesnt sound as if its a situation you will feel happy to put up with for years on end. So its your call, ultimately...

Dahlen · 04/09/2013 16:21

It's not normal IMO, even for parents who have an amicable split and remain friend. I don't know if there is anything 'wrong' about it (i.e. he might not want to get back together or anything), but one thing is very clear: he is completely unable to separate his role as father from his relationship with his XP.

In a nutshell, he is nowhere near ready to be in this relationship with you. I'm sorry.

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 16:38

You have totally hit the nail on the head about her not moving on and still relying on him. He is still doing loads of stuff for her and one will ring the other to say they have bought x for child when x is a t shirt or whatever

I don't just blame her though, it's like he wants the best of both worlds.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 04/09/2013 16:53

It is totally relevant whether she is the OW! My exH partner was paranoid and resentful whenever he even had a conversation with me about our DD!

The fact that he had cheated with her totally coloured whether she felt she could trust him!

SilverApples · 04/09/2013 16:58

So, you need to decide if you want to work this out, and that it's fair on you and your child. You don't sound happy about it ATM.
If he's living with you, is it your house? How much of a contribution is he making towards your shared life?
I think his relationship with his child sounds great, but he's unsure about the new one he is building with his ex, and so are you.

lunar1 · 04/09/2013 17:03

It sounds like they are getting back together to me. it doesn't sound like they have fully broken up to be honest. how long had they been separated when you got together?

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 17:14

Sounds like he is still boffing the ex, sorry

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 17:31

YABU.

If two people are going to parent together, then they need to communicate openly and frequently. It's about what is best for their child, not what is best for either of their personal relationships.

I am close to my ex, but I'm also happily married and very much in love with my husband. I have absolutely no desire at all to get back with him, and he feels the same. My ex pops round if he's passing and it's not a scheduled visit day, and when he picks up or drops off he is usually here for about 1/2 an hour. I speak to him on the phone most days, but only once unless there's a reason.

For a couple that aren't together, we parent well together. There are difficulties sometimes, but we deal with it and move on.

I don't see a problem with him still doing stuff for her. My ex and I do each other favours just to be nice and helpful to each other. I wouldn't have much respect for someone that refused to be helpful when they are happy to be because they were stuck under someone else's thumb.

Neither of us would be in a relationship with someone else that objected to the relationship with have, and both my husband and his GF have accepted it and we get on well. It's so much nicer for our dc this way.

Montybojangles · 04/09/2013 17:48

She is calling/face timing 4-6 times a day Broken, do you not think that is a tad excessive?

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/09/2013 17:48

Surely if you are secure and in a trusting relationship it shouldn't matter who he talks to how many times or how often he pops in to see the child.

It wouldn't bother me at all because if he was trying to mooch his way back then I wouldn't want him anyway.

Oh and if anyone brought one of my young kids a mobile phone it would go straight in the bin under 10's do not need mobiles for any reason.

SilverApples · 04/09/2013 17:56

I agree that if the OP was in a secure and loving relationship, then it wouldn't matter and she would be able to discuss her feelings with her partner and explain that she's concerned about the closeness, and they could work out the issues together.
But we have almost no information to go on, how long the new relationship has lasted, who initiated the break up and if her DP is living with her, where he would go if she ended the relationship.
Is he with her because he loves her, or because it is convenient?
OP feels he wants the best of both worlds, and so she needs to know where she and her child fit into that scenario.

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 17:58

It is excessive, but it's not only her calling him, it's happening the other way round as well.

The need to be on the phone so frequently is slightly odd, but it shouldn't be a massive problem if they actually have something to talk about or the child wants to talk.

Those of you that are in relationships with the fathers of your children - do you talk about your dc with them more than 4-6 times a day?

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