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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About the amount of contact between dp and his ex?

48 replies

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 15:25

So I have no idea whether I am being unreasonable. It's distorting our relationship because neither of us can see the other side.

Dp and his ex split nearly 2 years ago. He had to go to court to secure access as she tried to withhold it.

He has every other weekend + 2 during the week but is fighting for more.

They have a strange "relationship" but in summary she rings him any where between 4-6 times a day always on the pretence that the child (6) wants to talk to him, but she always wants a chat too. When the child is with dp she rings to make sure everything is ok, even if its only an hour or 2 after pick up. Usually FaceTime.

He "pops round" to hers a few times a week just to see the child, even though its minutes from his own house, she pops round to his too.

It just seems to be getting more and more cosy and it's not sitting right with me. My ex and I have an amicable relationship but I wouldn't dream of calling him 6 times a day or popping round every night.

Is this normal? Should I suck it up?

OP posts:

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 17:59

We don't live together, been together 18 months but its been rocky. Mostly due to this.

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 18:03

If you don't live together then maybe he does want the best of both worlds. That doesn't necessarily mean he's in the wrong though, he probably Just wants to maintain a good relationship with his child and co parent and is hoping his GF will come to understand how important that is to him. It's up to you whether you put up with that or not, but you certainly shouldn't be trying to disrupt the relationship between two parents.

dirtyface · 04/09/2013 18:04

no its weird. i have a DS with an ex and we never talk or see eachother other than at pick up / drop off. or occasionally if there is an issue with ds. we get on fine, just no need for any more contact than we have already

i would worry she wants him back tbh

and also, do you think she might with hold access if he stops visiting / speaking to her etc

also, i notice you got with him quite soon after he split with her, not judging that, but do you think you might have been a rebound and he is hedging his bets to get back with her?

dirtyface · 04/09/2013 18:05

also to add my ex (ds dad) in the first few months after we split he was always calling and coming round on the pretext to see / talk to ds. the reason he kept coming round was because he wanted to get back with me....

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 18:19

For some parents, only speaking to each other at drop off and pick up, (ie in front of the child) is weird.

It's a good thing that they want to parent the child they made together!

dirtyface · 04/09/2013 18:21

its not weird for us though :)

we don't parent ds together because we are NOT together

smokinaces · 04/09/2013 18:23

I speak to my ex husband at least once a day. We've been separated four years. Sometimes I ring him more if I need something, but not often. We are friends. Nothing more, but indeed nothing less. Four or five times a day imo is excessive, but I do know a couple who broke up a couple of years back and are like this. Very much so, in fact it was a major thing in me breaking it off with him when we dated as for me it was excessive and I felt (and still do a year on) that he wasn't over his ex or in fact dealing with splitting up or being separated from his son.

laeiou · 04/09/2013 19:32

I don't think it's healthy.
Ex and I are both single and neither want to reconcile and he clearly wanted the type of setup you describe. I don't think it's good for anyone to have so much contact, I think it is excessive and dc could find it confusing. It's possible to amicably co -parent without speaking or visiting every day.

nestviper · 04/09/2013 20:00

Are you for real? He's dragged her through court and U think she will get back with him? Seriously?

FreudiansSlipper · 04/09/2013 20:08

sorry op but neither are wanting to let go or move on

you are just on the sidelines and deserve better move on and let them sort out their relationship

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 20:09

That's exactly how I feel. On the sideline

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 20:36

So, what are you going to do about it ?

Pull on your legwarmers and high kick away while they take the piss out of you ?

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 20:39

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 04/09/2013 20:47

a little harsh AnyFucker

if you feel that way then think about why you are staying it does not sound much to hang around for

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 20:49

PIS knows my style, FS

Original poster

Paranoidinsuburbia · 04/09/2013 21:14

It's cool. I do know her style. I just wish I fecking listened!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 21:30

It's not too late to do something about this, chuck

laeiou · 04/09/2013 23:08

The pertinent points seem to be-
do both you and huge want the situation to change, or is it only you?
does telling him how you feel have any impact?
if the situation continues long-term, are you prepared to continue?

laeiou · 04/09/2013 23:08

Huge ? flipping phone !

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 04/09/2013 23:12

Looking at it objectively, they have been part of his life for a lot longer than you. He wants to see his child as much as possible, he seems to get on fine with the mother, he's not complaining about her ringing, they talk, etc etc.
You are fairly newly together and don't live together (or have any plans to?), and he doesn't seem to care much about your concerns about the above situation.

In a nutshell, they are more important to him than you are. Sorry, but there doesn't seem to be another conclusion to reach. The only thing you can do is decide whether to put up or get out?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2013 23:40

They split. She tried to withhold access. He took her to court. He still wants more access. They are in constant contact (6-8 phonecalls a day, popping in to each others houses). Pointing out that this is not normal for people who didn't want to stay together results in him claiming you are trying to stop him from seeing his child.

I'd hazard a guess that they like the drama of it all. Ooh, it's like sommat off the telly, innit. I'm just not sure whether he's cast you as a bit player or an audience .

I'd step back from it all. Let them get back together on with it.

Lilacroses · 04/09/2013 23:58

That is pretty excessive imo. There has to be some acknowledgement of what makes you feel uncomfortable as his Dp in all this otherwise you will definitely feel sidelined. It sounds like your feelings are not being considered at all. I speak as someone who has a very good relationship with ex (now) but who cut back on my contact with her (both women, gay relationship) because my dp was uncomfortable with it. That's not to say Dd suffered in any way I just realised that my Dp's feelings were important to me and that I didn't want to cause her unecessary feelings of insecurity or worry. The compromise is absolutely fine. I would be reconsidering the relationship as AF has suggested. Sorry, it's not a nice situation to be in.

TwoStepsBeyond · 05/09/2013 00:40

It does sound excessive to me. My DP's ex phones and texts him more than I would like, mainly about the DCs but also other things, friends, family etc.

I told him I was uncomfortable with her constant presence, seeing her name flash up on his phone while we're in bed or hearing her voice chattering away about trivia, him laughing and doing silly voices, it really pissed me off.

It's got a lot better since I spoke to him about it, he's more aware of wrapping things up in one go rather than saying "I'll call later to confirm times" etc. or 'text tennis' as i called it.

If your DP isn't more considerate and doesn't take your feelings into account then I'm afraid it does say something about his priorities.

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