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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

urgh moving house and reletives

27 replies

screamingskull · 04/09/2013 07:49

Hi, looking for some advice. I am moving into my mums home after her death a few months back. Brother and I have both been trying to clear out home (4 mths now) both live same town etc.

Obviously as I am moving in I really would love to see things moving a bit quicker (brother moving house too but not got key yet, will have v v soon) so I have been asking repeatedly for help to get things out. Time doesn't suit, or as they work F/T very limited hrs seem to be given to me (I feel).

Anyways he was supposed to be doing o/t last night right after work, but this changed so then informed me "as I am not doing o/t I am going to take my daughter to a game (in another town so about 1 hr travel) therefore I can give you an hr or so"....marvelous thinks I (not). A huge argument then takes place and I am told "I am glad I am not your man, you trying to organise my time".....I for one, am not trying to orgganise any one's time, but do feel as though it was a bit of an unfair decision! AIBU

p.s this has caused a good few arguments about time from both of us so definitely not the first run in.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 04/09/2013 07:56

so he had been at work all day and cancelled his overtime and offered to split the time he regained between you and his daughter?

yes... terrible Hmm

MortifiedAdams · 04/09/2013 07:58

YABU.

MimiSunshine · 04/09/2013 07:59

Hire removal people. They'll be where you want at the time that suits you.

If people work full time of course they're going to give you limited hours. Unless you expect them to book a day off.

IMO You and your brother should go through the house and agree the things you both want to keep and then after that its your responsibility to organise the clearance and moving stuff in.
Unless of course you're planning on being fully on hand to help your brother move. As It sounds like he has a lot going on as well.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2013 08:01

I would have thought the person moving in would do the bulk of the work.

What does your brother gain from doing this? Confused

I can see how you gain.

Can't you just call a house clearance company who will come in and do it all for nothing?

RedHelenB · 04/09/2013 08:02

Do you work? because if not, it being for your benefit that the house is sorted I would get on & do it myself asap & keep to one side things he may wish to keep. If you do, the same still applies, it is mainly for your benefit that the house is cleared quickly.

CaptainSweatPants · 04/09/2013 08:04

Why can't your Dh help you ?

Yabu

Your brother doesn't have to help you at all imo

PurplePidjin · 04/09/2013 08:13

Stop making him choose between you and his family. The bulk of things are probably to be chucked - sheets, towels, clothes. Involve him in decisions about the big stuff - furniture, photos, jewellery - and just get on with the rest!

Original poster
screamingskull · 04/09/2013 08:16

Okay Maybe I have not worded this right, happy to accept I ABU, but the house is still full of my parents things, therefore this is why I require his help.

I also work albeit P/T, and Husband and I have hired a van 3 times to get rid of parents furniture and clothing...brother and I did do loads of work before both returning.

Mum was a hoarder so house full wall to wall....I am happy to do the lions share as I am moving in....but regardless of who moving in or selling this house has to be cleaned out, so therefore, why should I need to do all the organisation...they were both our full blood parents!

OP posts:
PoppyAmex · 04/09/2013 08:23

So you're moving in and giving your brother half of the property value OP?

Hattie23 · 04/09/2013 08:26

If your mum was a hoarder i can imagine how the house is. A house clearance company will save your sanity - and your relationship with your brother.

Fairylea · 04/09/2013 08:26

Contact British heart foundation in your area. They will often be glad to clear a house of unwanted furniture etc. They can then sell it in their shop and all money will go to a good cause.

StanleyLambchop · 04/09/2013 09:09

but regardless of who moving in or selling this house has to be cleaned out, so therefore, why should I need to do all the organisation

But if it were being sold then presumably the proceeds would be split 50/50- currently you are moving in so get more of the benefit.

I am in a similar situation with my parents house, it is a slow process. There are four of us, but I cannot imagine a situation where one of us would just take over the house, unless buying the others out. Is there some back story to this?

quoteunquote · 04/09/2013 09:25

You have made it sound as if you are being controlling,

It an emotional thing clearing out the contents of your parents lives,

How would your brother like to arrange it?

Original poster
screamingskull · 04/09/2013 10:54

Yes we have split the house 50/50 i have given my half of the proceeds to my brother. He is moving soon to another home bought off these proceeds.

I am not phased about him moving it is his life to live, but surely regardless of him or i moving in this needs to be done, and both of us should be helping oneanothr. Come this weekend he has the key to new house and i am quite sure that mums house will fall further of priorities for him.

We both really want to go though the personal things together, hence why we have not invited a house clearence team in...and therefore why my husband and i have done the van hiring and removal of big furniture no one wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
screamingskull · 04/09/2013 11:02

And yes quoteunquote, very emotional that is why we both are supposed to put off time together to get this done asap are we are both too upset.

How do others deal with it if there is more than one child? What if something gets thrown out by accident or both would really like to keep same item?!

We are lucky that when we are together doing this we can come to an amicable decision. i would hate a fallout over keeping things (or not)

OP posts:
eosmum · 04/09/2013 11:04

So your brother gets to move into a lovely clutter free house and you have to wait until he decides he has time to go through the personal items leaving you living with the mess. I would put half the boxes of stuff you need to go through together in his house and resign myself to having to do the rest myself. As long as they are with you there is no urgency to do it and it will probably never become a priority for him.

Original poster
screamingskull · 04/09/2013 12:15

Well yes eosmum, this is basically it.

I have no problem with him moving on, i am v happy for him and v glad i am lucky enough to move into family home but why should i be left dealing with things that he can't be bothered helping with ie the boring heavy stuff no one wants and therefore hampering my family from moving on also.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 04/09/2013 12:23

we have a recycling charity which take away furniture, to re sell with discounts to those who need it,

Is there something like that near you?

If they could come and take all the large furniture it would help.

You could do a house clearance day, yard sale, put it all the stuff on the drive one saturday see what you can sell, then put a "Free" sign on the sunday.

bigfuckoffpie · 04/09/2013 12:38

I can see why you're annoyed but I also think your plan of going through things together just isn't going to work if there's that much stuff. Not if you want to get into the house anytime soon.

Divvy up the rooms between you and your brother. Go through them individually and throw out/charity shop the junk. Keep anything that you or your brother might want.

Get your brother to take his share to his to sort or let him do it at your mum's within a reasonable timescale.

Ok, there's a small risk one of you might chuck something the other one wants kept, but honestly, there's a bigger chance that you'll have a bigger fall out over the time it's taking. Discuss anything to be looked out for beforehand.

You should be left with a much smaller and more manageable pile of valuable/sentimental stuff you can split, or sell and split the proceeds.

Remember your Mum's friends might want to help go through stuff and may want to take some of the items away; you'd need to discuss this with your brother but it might be less work for you, plus you know it'll go to a good home.

I think hoarding runs in the family sometimes, so try not to inherit too much clutter.

primallass · 04/09/2013 12:44

I think you are just going to have to buckle down and do it as he is not interested.

greenfolder · 04/09/2013 12:53

get a removal firm to move everything to a storage unit. split the cost. give yourself 2 months to sort it, then bin it.

i bought my parents house with a loft full of my brother and sisters stuff. it had been there 20 years- after 18 months of asking nicely I threw it all away.

oscarwilde · 04/09/2013 12:59

You could get a quote for clearing the rubbish out and take it out of the 50:50 split. Your brother will either bite your hand off or suddenly find the time to help.

Greenfolder has the best suggestion I think.

PurplePidjin · 04/09/2013 13:44

"I need to move by x date. I will be spending my weekends clearing, plus y evenings after work. If it's not finished by i will call a house clearance firm. Okay?" accompanied by the kind of fixed smile that makes it clear that the question is rhetorical Wink

Original poster
screamingskull · 04/09/2013 14:43

Thanks everyone. Think i will just need to grab the bull by the horns. Has given me food for thought.

The last thing i want is to sound like im dictating to anyone, but it really has been a struggle.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 14:49

Sounds like a difficult situation, but I think you need to tell him that you will be clearing things out on X day, and it's up to him whether he helps or not. If he doesn't, then he may end up losing things that he wanted to keep.