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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that with DPs lack of support for a chance for me to go back to college and retrain?

45 replies

Babybunny88 · 03/09/2013 23:57

Been at my current job for 5 years and no longer enjoy it. In fact, it makes me so miserable and depressed that I often just spend my lunch break in the loos crying about how crap it makes me feel.

DP knows this and have often expressed how much I would love to go back to college and retrain to do something completely different. But it wasn't an option as our finances wouldn't allow it.

I have come into a small fortune recently and told DP I'd like to use some of the money to go back to college and felt excited by this. DP was in board with this at the start but suddenly changed his mind. I told him I was fed up of working in a place that treats their staff like shite and pays minimum wage and wanted some fulfilment at work. After all most of my time is spent there.

DP responded with something along the lines off "nobody feels fulfilled in their job, most people hate their job and you don't hear them complaining. You just have to get on with it. If you go to college you might not even like the course and then what? If you get a new job out of it you may hate it even more than this one, the people you work with might be bigger arses than your current colleagues."

Maybe I am being over sensitive but it really hurt me and made me feel sad :( he knows how depressed I feel about work and what it would mean if I got a chance to do something new. Really very upset that DP thinks I should stay in a job that makes me ill with stress rather than go back to college and try something new

By the way DP is a SAHD.

OP posts:
Famzilla · 04/09/2013 00:01

Is he worried he'll have to go to work or something?

If you're only on NMW I take it that would be an option that wouldn't affect your families finances too much.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, I fully advocate getting as many skills as you can. Just trying to explore why he's reacting this way.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 04/09/2013 00:04

DP doesn't work because he has a heart condition and many other problems. He would never have to work, I am happy to be the breadwinner but not in a job that sucks the happiness out of life.

I have no idea why he is against it. He is just being an arse.

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 04/09/2013 00:04

Your money your choice basically. Is dp able to work and earn money? Or both of you work part time to help?

2rebecca · 04/09/2013 00:06

Why does he get to decide what you do with your life? He sounds unsupportive and unpleasant.

HoopHopes · 04/09/2013 00:06

If dp able to do childcare in the day he may be able to do some hours of work perhaps unless dh's have forbidden it. If you have the money to retrain and a burning desire to train in a certain area then I hope it goes well. If you use the money for other things and then regret your work it may be hard to live with the resentment, and if you are the main income earner it may be hard to continue working knowing you could have a different skill set and qualifications.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 04/09/2013 00:06

I work full time and DP stays at home with DD. I was planning on doing night classes and still working during the day. That's what I did the first time I went to college.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/09/2013 00:08

You have this opportunity to do something which might well benefit the whole family in the long run.

Go for it.

catinabox · 04/09/2013 00:10

It's your money and therefore your choice I think?

Perhaps you need to get to the bottom of what he's worried about?

Pipparivers · 04/09/2013 00:12

Maybe your dp doesn't beleive that the training will make the difference you think it will. Is it the job you hate or the organisation you work in? What are you a planning to do at college? Why would that be so much better?

CharityFunDay · 04/09/2013 00:14

Life's too short. Tell him you're doing it. And do it.

You'll adjust, somehow.

Sparklysilversequins · 04/09/2013 00:15

He's a selfish twat and doesn't want anything to change that might affect him.

You've come into some money, it is the perfect opportunity to get out of a really crappy work situation. There's no way I would let someone else dictate that to me.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 00:16

A "fortune" is really an opportunity to change your life for the better.

If you hate your job and want to retrain for something else, this would seem to be your chance.

Is your DH afraid that if you go off to college and start an exciting new life, you'll find life at home with him and your daughter less interesting?

Mabelface · 04/09/2013 00:17

could it be that he's worried that you'd leave him behind?

Redlocks30 · 04/09/2013 00:17

He sounds horrid :(

What is it you're going to do a course in and will it get you a job at the end of it? If you're going to do, eg a geography degree, then I'd probably say it wasn't worth your while spending £27k on. If you were going to retrain, eg as a midwife, that's different.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 04/09/2013 00:18

Thanks for the support everyone. I really don't want to be stuck in this dead end job any more because it makes me feel so miserable. I am only 24 and don't want to spend another 50 or so years feeling like this every day.

DP said he can't see what I'm so upset about.

OP posts:
CharityFunDay · 04/09/2013 00:20

Yeah, any change to the status quo is probably going to make him feel uncomfortable -- particularly if it means financial upset.

Chances are his negativity is just concern, badly expressed.

Work out how much you will spend on the course, and what benefits you (both) will be entitled to.

I bet he gets a bit more supportive if you do that.

Bogeyface · 04/09/2013 00:26

I think it is a combination of things mentioned already, plus jealousy.

You are planning to move on and up for the good of your family but all he may see is that thanks to his medical condition, he will stay the same. He may well be jealous of your opportunities. And, as has been mentioned, it could insecurity that your "new life" will not include him, and of course the worry about any upheaval throughout these changes.

Have you been a bit "me" focussed throughout this? Not a criticism, but I know then I when I am fired up by something I tend to be a bit "Well I could do this..." or "I could go there...."

Would your money allow him to go to college to study something? Either something that he enjoys just for the sake of it (say photography, art, something like that) or something that could lead to him working for himself at home (book keeping, Web design etc).

I agree that you should take the opportunity to escape the job you are in and better yourself and your family, but perhaps you could consider him doing the same. Just because he doesnt have to work doesnt mean he may not want to.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 04/09/2013 00:27

The course will be paid by some money my dear aunt left me, so it's not coming out of our pockets at all.

He's now claiming that the economy is "too bad" at the minute to "be picky about jobs" Ffs I'm not quitting my job just retraining at college so I can hopefully get a new one :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybunny88 · 04/09/2013 00:29

Bogey- I offered him if he would like to use some of the money to do something be likes but he insists that he is happy looking after DD and doesn't want to do anything

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 04/09/2013 00:31

I cant help but think of the nrp retraining thread. what about reducing hours and studying part time/ evenings?

means you still have a foot in tge door (he has a point about jobs atm) and you are still earning too as well as studying.

Bogeyface · 04/09/2013 00:39

So he doesnt want to do anything and doesnt want you to do anything either?

Hmmm....keep an eye on this one. Dont let him drag you down because he is frightened of change/losing you/being outperformed by you.

Not saying it is a red flag, at the moment it is pale pink, just be aware that if he starts to actively try to prevent you from doing it (refusing to do the childcare, sabotage etc) then you have an issue.

Bogeyface · 04/09/2013 00:40

Notyo she isnt giving up her job, she is keeping her job AND studying in the evenings, so his point about jobs is moot.

Jewelledkaleidoscope · 04/09/2013 00:47

I read something recently about men's self-esteem being negatively affected by their partner's success Hmm

OP, you do exactly as you like. If you're on NMW you might even be better off studying?

What is the qualification?

How long does it take to get it?

How easy is it to get a job afterwards?

Mimishimi · 04/09/2013 00:53

YANBU. If you are the breadwinner, I think you actually have more of a right to pursue courses/experiences etc that you think will improve your prospects, even if they don't pan out as anticipated.

cory · 04/09/2013 00:58

Have to say I agree with Bogeyface. Not saying there's actually anything sinister about it, but living with constant negativity can drag you down; you want to watch this.

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