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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that with DPs lack of support for a chance for me to go back to college and retrain?

45 replies

Babybunny88 · 03/09/2013 23:57

Been at my current job for 5 years and no longer enjoy it. In fact, it makes me so miserable and depressed that I often just spend my lunch break in the loos crying about how crap it makes me feel.

DP knows this and have often expressed how much I would love to go back to college and retrain to do something completely different. But it wasn't an option as our finances wouldn't allow it.

I have come into a small fortune recently and told DP I'd like to use some of the money to go back to college and felt excited by this. DP was in board with this at the start but suddenly changed his mind. I told him I was fed up of working in a place that treats their staff like shite and pays minimum wage and wanted some fulfilment at work. After all most of my time is spent there.

DP responded with something along the lines off "nobody feels fulfilled in their job, most people hate their job and you don't hear them complaining. You just have to get on with it. If you go to college you might not even like the course and then what? If you get a new job out of it you may hate it even more than this one, the people you work with might be bigger arses than your current colleagues."

Maybe I am being over sensitive but it really hurt me and made me feel sad :( he knows how depressed I feel about work and what it would mean if I got a chance to do something new. Really very upset that DP thinks I should stay in a job that makes me ill with stress rather than go back to college and try something new

By the way DP is a SAHD.

OP posts:

jessieagain · 04/09/2013 00:58

I don't see the problem.

It seems like the money has come to you at an excellent time. You can pay the course with it, so you don't need to get into debt. You are able to study in the evenings. You can keep working during the day.

Go for it! You are young and shouldn't feel so trapped. If you don't do it and the money just gets spent/frittered you will feel more trapped and resentful.

FetchezLaVache · 04/09/2013 01:01

YAsoNBU. You're 24, you have a lot of working years ahead of you and life's far too short to do a job you hate. FWIW I LOVE my job, but I had to go back and retrain for it at 28 after years of jobs I fucking hated- sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands, rather than put up with the status quo or expect your dream career to fall into your lap. Go for it! But first I suggest you find out what exactly his problem is.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2013 01:10

Um. Knee-jerk reaction. Fuck him.

But also-- he may feel like you are pulling the financial security from under his feet, quitting a job and retraining for something always involves a degree of risk. If you are asking him to support you (by looking after DC while you study/work) then you need to have an honest conversation about the future, short- and long-term.

You've said you will work f-t and do the course as nights - he may just be being realistic and freaking out some. If this thread was reversed, people would advise caution to the SAHP, perhaps that's all this is.

Good luck.

caroldecker · 04/09/2013 01:43

My first LTB

MammaTJ · 04/09/2013 03:42

I say go for it anyway. He will deal with it. You are not talking about giving up work, you are not talkign about making him go back to work, you aren't even talking about reducing your hours, just doing a college course in the evenings as well as working. There really is nothing he can object to about it!

LessMissAbs · 04/09/2013 03:51

He sounds unsupportive and limiting. What exactly do you get out of being with him? Don't let him hold you back.

ZillionChocolate · 04/09/2013 07:14

Is the course you're thinking of for a particular job? Is there any chance of you doing some work experience first?

Hissy · 04/09/2013 07:15

The only difference to him that I can see is that you may be out in the evenings, and studying.

He has a choice, he supports you fully, knowing that the higher you fly, the better life will be for all of you, or you leave him behind and he'll be stuck in the situation he's in.

He can't do anything about his condition, but he he makes you stay in a dead end job, that you hate to the point of sobbing in thé bathroom daily, sooner or later something will have to give, and you'll end up walking out on the job, and the one that makes you stay in it.

This is your life. At 24, many of us were pissing about doing sweet FA, you have responsibilities and a desire to crack on and be happier.

Go for it.

I don't like his refusal to allow you to be happy, for his own fears and insecurities.

Mark this guy's card now, or this'll become a habit that you'll struggle to get away from.

waltzingmathilda · 04/09/2013 07:19

Well you are stuck with a sick man who will never work. (your words)

He's jealous of course, doesnt know it, but he'll never be able to work, so watching you develop and grow and change, you're leaving him behind aren't you? You're maturing and he will never get the chance to.

You have form for negativity and he's telling a few home truths.

Which is it?

SybilRamkin · 04/09/2013 08:01

Agree with Waltzing Matilda (but the former point, not the latter)!

Sinful1 · 04/09/2013 10:53

Maybe he's worried that you're banking so much on this course making everything better that of it doesn't it will knock you into deep depression. And is trying make sure you don't set your hopes too high

Sinful1 · 04/09/2013 10:55

Also how fantastic is the difference between this one and the "my ex partner wants to go to college"

In here "your husband is a prick for not wanting you to go to college"

in there "of course your not unreasonable, your ex partner is a sick for wanting to go to college"

Seems amazingly sexist

FetchezLaVache · 04/09/2013 11:22

Yeah but, Sinful, the difference here is that the OP will still be working and supporting the entire family while she studies. She won't be playing fast and loose with her responsibilities!

Hissy · 04/09/2013 11:36

Sinful, this thread is nothing like the other one.

There, the issue is that the ex is wanting to Fuck off his responsibility to his child, stop maintenance etc and the OP is supposed to suck it up.

Here, nothing will change in the short term, and in fact life will get easier for thé OP and her family.

Nothing, no job, no relationship, nobody is worth crying in thé loos every day over!

TheUnsympathetic · 04/09/2013 11:37

YANBU and you should go for it. It'll affect your whole life.

Jan49 · 04/09/2013 11:48

Is he worried that he will have to look after your dc in the evening as well as all day if you do a course?

Sinful1 · 04/09/2013 12:03

Fair play I missed the post about it being night classes. In that case it is very different and I apologise.

He is being a bit silly then but is it possible he's worried you'll be taking too much on?

Have you say down and discussed with him how you udberstand this isn't going to solve all your problems or be a magic vilely but a first step to hopefully a happier life for the pair of you.

I've been with a partner who would build.massive hopes on big changes and then when they fell through or weren't the cure all she thoughts they'd be got very depressed. Eventually I did find myself doing the unpleasant thing of trying to stop her building things up too much in her head while tying to still be supportive.

bibliomania · 04/09/2013 12:17

Slightly in defense of your dp - he will end up doing more childcare. Night classes and additional study do impact on the other parent. (My dad did this when we were young and it wasn't easy for my mum).

That said, I don't think you should give up on your plans to re-train just for that. Crying in the loos sounds absolutely miserable. Life is way too short to live like that. So do re-train (once you're being realistic about your future career. I have accepted that I can't go off and retrain as an archaeologist given my family responsibilities and the poor salary prospects!) but I think it's only fair to talk it through with your DH and acknowledge that it does impact on him. More training gives you more options and freedom as a family in future.

(I can also see where posters are coming from when they caution about your DP being threatened by your potential success. I wouldn't totally discount this possibility, but I think the jury is still out for now).

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 04/09/2013 12:47

He does sound very negative about you bettering your qualifications and improving your career prospects, so there may well be a touch of envy in his words. He might also be jealous of the money you've been left, especially if he doesn't earn his own money?

I say go for it because at 24, you are in the ideal position to make the change and you sound absolutely miserable with regard to your current role. Just have a good think about working full time while studying, because that's going to be bloody hard work! Could you work part time instead while doing the course? It would allow you more study time and should hopefully allow for some family time. Would the money you've been left mean you could work part time instead?

What's the course and how are the job prospects after qualification? If you could show DP what you likely career progression might be, he may come round a bit more. However, the final decision is up to you and as Bogey said, this situation is flying a pink flag so take note of your DPs responses when you discuss it all. Hate to say this but if he's going to bring you down and criticise you for the entire duration of the course, you may be better off going it alone as a lone parent.

themaltesefalcon · 04/09/2013 20:38

OP, please tell us what your planned course is. Is it useful? As in accounting / law / healthcare / engineering / a trade?

We can't really tell if you or your DP is being unreasonable. If your degree will be in Mayan Prophecies or Sociology, for example, he may have a point.

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