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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish DH would bloody well give up work!

30 replies

GrumpyMule · 03/09/2013 16:45

He keeps on changing his mind and its driving me BONKERS!

Backstory - I earn 3.5 times what he does, so we could afford to live off one wage. We both work long hours - my week can be anywhere from 35-70hrs depending on the time of year. We have two young children, the house is a mess, we have to rely on the goodwill of others as well as expensive childcare and our bill is only just under what he brings in a month.

I've never EVER asked him to give up work, but he keeps on saying that he will get a local part time job, instead of his full time commutable job, and we make plans and we set things up, but then he changes his mind at the last minute.

I understand that its a big thing to go from FT to PT and take on the bulk of the childcare, but I'm beginning to get really pissed off.

Our lives would all be so much better if he was working PT. No more 5:30am get-ups. No trying to get everything done on the weekends. No more both being utterly exhausted so we don't want to do things with the kids.

I just wish he'd either say No, I will always work or just bloody well get on with it and quit.

I am {{}} this close to killing him when he backs out AGAIN.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 03/09/2013 16:50

Forget thinking that child care costs just under what her earns and look at it as being less than 1/3 of your wage.

I get the male pride thing that means he does not want to be a 'kept man' though, and it sound like it would improve the whole family's life considerably.

I also get your frustration at the lack of decision, or the making the decision, then changing his mind, leaving you disappointed.

YANBU!! But don't kill him!

FlatsInDagenham · 03/09/2013 16:53

Sounds like he doesn't really want to work PT or be in charge of housework. He only makes plans to do so in order to make life easier.

Does he enjoy his job? If so I can understand his reluctance.

SeaSickSal · 03/09/2013 17:00

YABU. He will face exactly the same problems that a woman would face in that he would find it difficult to get back into the workplace after a break, his progression would be affected if he went part time. He would also lose out on things like a pension which he may need if you split.

I think you are being totally unreasonble to put pressure on him. He obviously doesn't want to stop working which is why he is prevaricating, it seems like it's you that wants him to give up/cut his hours not him.

Also if this was the other way round and a woman posted that her husband was pressuring her to give up work when she didn't really want to by a higher earning husband everyone would definitely say he was BU so I don't see why it should be different in this situation.

SilverApples · 03/09/2013 17:33

I get it.
I had a SAHP and worked FT. My OH was perfectly happy to do the week daychildcare and share the housework though, he's not exactly macho on legs and has a lot of self-confidence about who he is.
But if yours isn't, and is unwilling or unable to do the logical thing, then outsource as much as possible and use his wages to pay for it.
What exactly are his reasons? Have you metaphorically nailed his feet to the floor and got him to explain, and have you listened properly to his reasons?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/09/2013 17:41

It is pretty obvious that he doesn't want to give up his job, so stop making plans for him to.

How can the house possibly be a mess if you are out all day every day? Get a cleaner to come for a couple of hours twice a week to keep on top of things.

mrsfuzzy · 03/09/2013 17:55

grumpy, hear what you are saying, he must drive you nuts but it sounds like he is trying to tell you he doesn't want to be a kept man. i would be fed up if my other half was always working and earning a heck of a lot more money than me then wanting me to quit work, do you get much family time? it would be a shame for that to suffer.

orangeandemons · 03/09/2013 17:58

I think you need to sit down together and find out how you can make it easier for yourselves, so you don't have to get up at 5:30am. Couldn't you drop one day, and him drop another.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/09/2013 17:58

If he really doesn't want to give up his full time job then you have to accept that. DH was a SAHD for a while because it was the right thing for us both but that was after a couple of years of juggling as 2 working parents because he didn't want to stop work.

I can understand your frustration because it would make your life easier but ultimately it is his choice. I wonder if he keeps talking about the part time job to put you off because you are unconsciously putting him under pressure e.g
"Oh no! an inset day, it would be so much easier if one of us had more flexibility" etc.

I would be unhappy if a woman felt she was being pressurised into being a SAHM for the good of the family and I feel the same way about a man in the same position.

AmandaLF · 03/09/2013 18:03

Would it be possible to get a cleaner once or twice a week?

Tailtwister · 03/09/2013 18:05

I can imagine the outraged responses to this OP if it were a man talking about his female partner!

It sounds like he doesn't want to give up working OP and he would only resent being a SAHP if he felt he was forced into it. Could you maybe both do 3 or 4 days? That way you would both be taking an equal load childcare wise.

Original poster

GrumpyMule · 03/09/2013 20:12

As explained in my OP, I've never asked him to give up work. He keeps on suggesting it and then backing out. That's what is driving me utterly bonkers.

It would be easier to understand if he loved his job, but he doesn't. He keeps banging on about how boring and repetitive it is and how it would be better if he worked part time. I sit there and listen to it - and then he backs out again.

Its getting to the point where if he says he'll do it again, I'll tell him I don't want to hear it.

OP posts:

Venay · 03/09/2013 20:18

Hire a nanny? Wouldn't cost much more than day care for two, and would avoid the 5.30am starts...

Sounds like you need a proper heart to heart with DH :)
Buy a bottle of wine - talk it through properly.. maybe he just hates his job, but needs another work direction - not being a SAHD?

Outedby2yrold · 03/09/2013 21:40

I'm with your DH on this. I think you need to find a way to make it less stressful and allow both of you to work e.g. Pay more for proper childcare and cleaning.

I gave in to (unspoken) pressure from my DH to give up work as he earns a lot more, I did a stressful and yet not high earning (although fulfilling) job and comprehensive childcare would have been at least my whole salary. I was working and juggling children at various carers e.g. childminder and after school club and housework (DH not home until after kids bedtime and left before they woke up in the morning) it became impossible for me.

Now I'm stuck with lost confidence, bored at home by being a SAHM but know that he does not support me in going back to work.

Outedby2yrold · 03/09/2013 21:41

I also did complain about my job but it was more the sum total of doing it AND everything else that caused the stress, it was all on my shoulders.

Pigsmummy · 03/09/2013 21:44

I also say get a nanny

maddening · 03/09/2013 21:46

can he get a more local ft job? Can you get a cleaner who would also do laundry? Can you find other efficiencies that would make both your lives easier than it is without either having to stop work?

what are his reasons for backing out /being reluctant to do it?

WafflyVersatile · 03/09/2013 21:50

Suggest he does a degree or other course while working pt or even giving it up altogether but keeping kids in childcare pt so that in a few years he can look for a more satisfying job?

Trills · 03/09/2013 22:11

YABU to wish he would give up work, because he clearly doesn't want to d it.

YANBU to wish he would stop mentioning it and making plans, because he clearly doesn't want to do it.

Original poster

GrumpyMule · 03/09/2013 22:16

Arf at getting a nanny. We don't earn that much! Yes I can get a cleaner though. Its one more expense, but it may save my sanity.

When I first met DH he had ideas about what he'd like to do or study, but apathy means that 10 years later he's no further on, which is a shame for him as he's more than capable. I gave up mentioning it around 6 years in when I realised that him saying it didn't equate to doing anything about it.

Outed - in my case, as I work locally and DH commutes, its me who does things like drs and dentists and meetings with school or nursery. He does a lot of the OOH childcare and we split the housework.

Oh I don't know. Maybe he does feel like he should say it even though he has no intention of doing it.

OP posts:

Standautocorrected · 03/09/2013 22:18

Sit down together and do a pros and cons list.
Find out if dh has other aspirations.

MissMarplesBloomers · 03/09/2013 22:22

Nanny vs FT CHildcare actually wouldn't be a lot different & if they didn't mind doing a bit of light housework/ sorting the kids stuff too then it would be a bonus.

Angloamerican · 03/09/2013 23:49

I'm surprised that you don't think you can afford a nanny when your income is so much higher than his. Also, as previous posters have suggested, a nanny won't be much more expensive than daycare for two.

FWIW I think your DH is being eminently sensible in not giving up his job in this economy, but all the reasons other posters have outlined.

And Outedby2yrold I'm sorry that you are in this position. I'm similarly situated myself and know how frustrating and stressful it can be.

catinabox · 04/09/2013 00:16

Can you go part time?

Original poster

GrumpyMule · 04/09/2013 13:51

Nanny is significantly more than childcare! Nursery and wrap around care costs us around £800pcm. A nanny would be £1300pm based on local rates. An extra £500 per month plus other expenses would wipe me out.

catinabox - I'd love to go part time, but after our fixed outgoings have come out, I'd be working for nothing and we'd really struggle financially. Its also difficult to do that in my line of work as my contract is hours required to do the job and generally if you cut your hours, you just end up having to do the same for less money.

Anyway, DH and I did sit down last night. The outcome is that he can swing between wanting to go part time or not in his own head, but he's not allowed to say he will to me as I just don't want to hear it any more.

OP posts:

quesadilla · 04/09/2013 13:57

I have this dilemma with my DH at the moment as I'm in a similar situation (although I'm actually taking a pay cut to go to a new job and will be only earning marginally more than him). It would make our lives infinitely easier if he stopped work. Our childcare costs would be eliminated at a stroke, DD would love it, the house would be clean and well-functioning etc.

And yet, I am not prepared to force him and if I were you I wouldn't either. At the end of the day we as women have fought for generations for the right to work if we want to do so and we shouldn't, having got into a position where we are the main breadwinner, revert to what men did to women for generations.

For a lot of people, work is part of who they are and how they get self-esteem. We have no more right to insist that men give up work to look after their kids than they do with us. And for a man, years out of the workplace looking after children is probably even more career-damaging than for a woman.

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