to wish DH would bloody well give up work!

[GrumpyMule]

He keeps on changing his mind and its driving me BONKERS!

Backstory - I earn 3.5 times what he does, so we could afford to live off one wage. We both work long hours - my week can be anywhere from 35-70hrs depending on the time of year. We have two young children, the house is a mess, we have to rely on the goodwill of others as well as expensive childcare and our bill is only just under what he brings in a month.

I've never EVER asked him to give up work, but he keeps on saying that he will get a local part time job, instead of his full time commutable job, and we make plans and we set things up, but then he changes his mind at the last minute.

I understand that its a big thing to go from FT to PT and take on the bulk of the childcare, but I'm beginning to get really pissed off.

Our lives would all be so much better if he was working PT. No more 5:30am get-ups. No trying to get everything done on the weekends. No more both being utterly exhausted so we don't want to do things with the kids.

I just wish he'd either say No, I will always work or just bloody well get on with it and quit.

I am {{}} this close to killing him when he backs out AGAIN.

I can see us being in a similar situation very soon.

At the moment I work part time (3 days a week) and dh works full time but in reality rarely works a full week as he's self employed (construction) and sometimes the work just isn't there. Also him getting paid can be patchy! Financially, it makes more sense for me to work full time.

We have always agreed that one of us will always be part time for the kids, and my cm doesn't have the space to have our toddler ds full time and we really don't want to move cm as our dd is 7 and been there since she was 5mths.

However, dh isn't keen on not being the bread winner.....

quesadilla - as said up thread, I've never asked DH to give up FT work. Its him who keeps on saying he will then changing his mind.

The fact that it would be better for the family is just fact. One that I suspect he knows himself or he wouldn't keep on about it (although hopefully not any more).

All of this raises an interesting question though. Does doing what is best for yourself always more important than doing what may be best for your family?

Grumpy yes I understand that... I didn't mean to come across as high-handed I sympathise. For a while my DH was doing the same as you (he now seems to have definitively come down on the side of being at work).

But I also think its more complicated than either doing what's best for the family or doing what's best for you. In general, for most people, their long-term employability is best served by staying in full time work as much as possible when they can.

For now, its very frustrating not to have a full-time carer at home. But when your dcs (and I don't know how old they are but I'm guessing both pre primary or one primary one pre) are a bit older their needs will probably be best served by both of you working FT. Its about juggling present day best with long-term best.

I can't say I blame you being frustrated, I just think that if the boot were on the other foot and you were the one dithering you would be doing a lot of soul searching and its an agonising choice. So cut him a bit of slack.

Get a nanny and a cleaner until he sorts himself out. Also have a heart to heart with him and make sure it's what he really wants. My DH said he would be a house husband until it came to actually doing it and he didn't want to give up work.

What would you DH like to do work wise OP? Is there anyhing he could look for that would allow him to be at home a bit more, work more locally (save the travelling costs) or from home /feelance so at least you didn't have to fork out for wrap around care just basic nursery?

Then he could work FT or near enough, pay for a cleaner and help with the kids without giving up his work whuich obviously is linked to his self -esteem.