to expect mil to do something to contribute to grandchildren?

[YorkshireTeaGold]

Feeling a bit sensitive so prob picking the wrong board but need other peoples views on this as preg and hormonal!

Am also aware that mil threads are rather a cliche and mine could be a lot worse, however here goes...

Mil is fine in a social context, however she does nothing to help with grand children (DH is an only child so there's just us) aibu in expecting her to do more? I've just found out they're on holiday when dd2 is due and its really upset me as they'd never think about being around to offer help if anything went wrong.

They have bags of cash and leisure time, go on hols at least 6 times a year as well as lots of weekend trips / nights out etc. She will occasionally bring a dress or a teddy round for dd but never offers to make a necessary purchase (eg my parents bought our pram). We're quite hard up atm and it really rankles to hear about their latest trip / second home idea.. last time we went for a meal we split the bill 50/50 even though I wasn't drinking (preg) and they drink tons. Is lots more examples of this but I won't bore you.

The only time they've babysat they got dd out of bed (she was 9 months and we were doing some gentle sleep training) instead of fetching us from the pub across the road as we asked... she's never offered to take dd for 30 mins when we stay with them so DH and I could go for a coffee or something.

She bangs on about what an easy child DH was, as if I'm doing something wrong, but he had a nanny from early age so maybe that's why?!

Soo, aibu? What can you do in this situation? I'm just dreading her coming over after dd2 is born and expecting us to act the hosts. Am really struggling to be civil.

I think you need to get over it, OP.

GP's come in two varieties. The engaged & the disengaged. It has nothing to do with love, but only about priorities, and the disengaged do not see it as their role to assist in childcare. They love the GC's (and often the parents) but are not going to change what they do to suit what you may feel that they shoud be doing. Some will go so far as tpo openly state that they don't/won't/can't babysit.

I am not saying its the right approach. Its not my approach. But it is the standpoint of a substantial number of GP's.

Nothing you do is going to change it, so really I think you just have to learn to get along with it - assuming they are not rude unpleasant or difficult in any way. It is their life.

I agree with the majority here. If grandparents WANT to be hands on then fantastic, but not all grandparents want that.

they have babysat and you critisied them for what they did. I wouldn't be in a rush to offer to babysit again either!

"I've just found out they're on holiday when dd2 is due and its really upset me"

"I'm just dreading her coming over after dd2 is born"

You just don't like her, and she'd be wrong whatever she did. YABU.

I think YABU a bit. I know it's hard not to compare useless PIL with other people's amazing ones but really, there's no unwritten law that says grandparents have to do X,Y and Z.

You just have to suck it up I'm afraid (all the while learning what not to do as a GP!).

YABVU, you choose to have them so you should be the one to look after them. Money wise, its not their fault if things are tight in your budget and you are already applying extra pressure to that by having another child.

The one time they helped you didnt trust them so its hardly surprising they have not offered again. Why cant they just enjoy the grandchildren at yours rather than be expected to provide free childcare.

Am surprised so many have children, so many moan about lack of free time, that people wont provide babysitting on tap or that children need money spending on them.

I understand where your coming from OP.

My parents would do ANYTHING for my DS.
Inlaws have not seen or spoken to DS in over two years...when pressed they are busy...

Part of the main reason we fell out with inlaws was because they just don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. It hurts when they don't care about your kids, its not normal- its family you look out and take care of each other. DH and I would have done anything for inlaws but they just don't feel that way about anyone else.

I suggest you take it on the chin and move on with your life. Not you nor I understand how they can sleep at night but you know what they do and bloody well too so don't waste your energy. Take it from someone who knows!

I know everyone says GP have done their bit with their kids etc they don't have to do anything. But any parent with a heart wants to see their grandkids, would surely come help when your ill or kid is or when your world falls apart...

I never expect anything from my parents infact they tell me I don't use them enough (they are right I don't) but I don't like to take the piss, its all about respect, they can say no, its their right. But Your inlaws are like mine, so far the other way...thank god we have one good set eh!

Oh and you cant expect someone-anyone to buy you things, its just not done. but so you don't feel alone my parents would give us their last penny willingly, inlaws would while being all gushy then present us the receipt..for payment the repeatedly ask for the money and charge interest...

ramble over