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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect mil to do something to contribute to grandchildren?

31 replies

YorkshireTeaGold · 03/09/2013 15:46

Feeling a bit sensitive so prob picking the wrong board but need other peoples views on this as preg and hormonal!

Am also aware that mil threads are rather a cliche and mine could be a lot worse, however here goes...

Mil is fine in a social context, however she does nothing to help with grand children (DH is an only child so there's just us) aibu in expecting her to do more? I've just found out they're on holiday when dd2 is due and its really upset me as they'd never think about being around to offer help if anything went wrong.

They have bags of cash and leisure time, go on hols at least 6 times a year as well as lots of weekend trips / nights out etc. She will occasionally bring a dress or a teddy round for dd but never offers to make a necessary purchase (eg my parents bought our pram). We're quite hard up atm and it really rankles to hear about their latest trip / second home idea.. last time we went for a meal we split the bill 50/50 even though I wasn't drinking (preg) and they drink tons. Is lots more examples of this but I won't bore you.

The only time they've babysat they got dd out of bed (she was 9 months and we were doing some gentle sleep training) instead of fetching us from the pub across the road as we asked... she's never offered to take dd for 30 mins when we stay with them so DH and I could go for a coffee or something.

She bangs on about what an easy child DH was, as if I'm doing something wrong, but he had a nanny from early age so maybe that's why?!

Soo, aibu? What can you do in this situation? I'm just dreading her coming over after dd2 is born and expecting us to act the hosts. Am really struggling to be civil.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopyLoopy · 03/09/2013 15:49

Yes, sorry, YABU. You criticise them (or her?) for when they did babysit, no wonder they don't offer again. Your kids, not theirs.

That said, you sound like you need a break. So ask them.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2013 15:49

Well if she had a nanny for her own child I can't imagine why you think she would want to be 'hands on' with your children . Stop going out with them if you don't want to pay . TBH you sound very unreasonable .

HeySoulSister · 03/09/2013 15:51

Yabu!

They have done the child rearing years

Yorkieaddict · 03/09/2013 15:51

It is lovely when grandparents want to help out, and if I am ever lucky enough to be a grandparent I would certainly want to help out where possible, but unfortunately YABU to expect them to help. They have raised their son and are under no obligation to help with your children unless they want to. I can understand why their lack of assistance upsets you though, they and your DC's are missing out massively!

As far as hosting them when DD2 is born, don't even think of it. If they are not willing to muck in and help make them wait until you are up to seeing them!

LunaticFringe · 03/09/2013 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 03/09/2013 15:53

Sorry but hahahahaha!

really-she can't just see them & interact as she sees fit?

You know-be a GP not childcare?

How long are they away for-if they're not going to be banging the door down the instant PSB appears, that gives the four of you time to adjust.

And if something did happen, maybe they would come back.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/09/2013 15:53

How come MIL gets all the blame, when you talk about them?

MrsVDB · 03/09/2013 15:54

Yabu. They are your kids not hers, why should they help??

Original poster
YorkshireTeaGold · 03/09/2013 15:56

Sorry, perhaps should have explained that mil and fil are divorced so her partner is not fil. Not being sexist I swear.

Clearly iabu then!

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 03/09/2013 15:57

YABU. Although it's nice to have financial help they are not obliged to give it to you. And at least they buy things for the child.

And if you criticized their babysitting I'm not surprised they haven't done it again. They probably thought that they were doing you a favour not bothering you at the pub. And it doesn't matter if their routine isn't exact when they're with their grandparents or sleep training isn't adhered to. Grandparents are supposed to indulge their grandchildren.

Also I don't think it's fair to expect them to organize their holiday around your due date (which isn't exact anyway). I wouldn't expect my own mother to do that, as long as she kept her phone on.

helenafalco · 03/09/2013 15:58

YABU my MIL leaves round the corner, spends most of her time at the gym or socialising with friends whilst we have a child minder that costs us around 400 per month so I can study and DH can work, (DH is on an average salary so we make it work but with difficulty) MIL goes on average 3 holidays abroad and I am happy to say not once have I ever felt she should be helping, my child my responsibilities Smile

Somethingpink · 03/09/2013 15:58

Yanbu, mil is the exact same!!
Dp is also an only child and they have nothing to do with our dc and they rarely buy for birthdays and Christmases. Even though they have dps cousins son every weekend and buy for all other family members Angry
Dp disowned them at one point because of it but I persuaded him that they might change and for him to give them another chance. A few years later nothing has changed, we just have minimum contact with them now.
People keep on telling us that they will realise they are missing out but we are still waiting for it to happen after 8 years Sad

ll31 · 03/09/2013 15:59

Yabvu and sound unpleasantly selfish tbh. I'm not seeing why she should be spending any time or money on you when you so clearly dislike her.

KoalaFace · 03/09/2013 16:00

I suspect you will be much happier if you can (when it comes to your PIL) think "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".

Don't pay for their alcohol, tell them you'll pay for what you had. Don't allow them to stay until/if you want them to. When MIL bangs on about how DH was an easy child answer "having a nanny must have been a god send!"

Don't give more than you feel comfortable with and then you won't feel entitled to more when they are being the same.

It's lovely of some GP to be hands on and helpful. But it's not something that should be 'expected'.

I'm sorry you're struggling though Thanks Being pregnant and worrying about how you'll cope after the baby is born is stressful. You and DH will manage together though.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 03/09/2013 16:01

I am shocked by all of the YABU responses! And I really feel for you! YANBU they sound really selfish

Onesleeptillwembley · 03/09/2013 16:01

YABVVU. Why do you expect someone to subsidise your child?

Somethingpink · 03/09/2013 16:01

Oh and in march we announced that we are expecting dc3 to them and we didn't even get a congratulations, in fact they said absolutely nothing. It was that awkward we ended up getting up and leaving.

HeySoulSister · 03/09/2013 16:01

why are you having more children if you cant cope?

Madamecastafiore · 03/09/2013 16:02

Hilarious. Will you babysit but not really babysit. Come get us if the baby wakes up. How rude!

I wouldn't help you again as I think that is offensive.

mamaslatts · 03/09/2013 16:03

I guess yabu but then she can't expect you and dh to be looking after her in her dotage so every cloud and all that.

coco27 · 03/09/2013 16:04

Have you thought that your criticism of them the one time they did help out might be putting them off offering again.

dingledongle · 03/09/2013 16:05

It sounds like you are disappointed with the lack if help from your MIL with your DC and I understand exactly how you feel. I have two DC and neither sets of GP help out with my children. In the six and half weeks my children have been off school they have seen them four times, for a total of six hours and always initiated by me! The last two times my DS has asked to go home.

I sound similar to you as I have a clear idea about how I would like them cared for and I think this makes it harder for them as I appear critical. However, they never offer to look after my kids, manage to go out and do ther stuff which they tell me about. They also told me that they had missed the kids when we got back from our two week holiday. But they never see how my DH and I might like go spend some time together.

It is disappointing when people do not live up to our expectations and you will probably not find much sympathy on MN. Most people talk about the rights of the GP. I would try to accept what they are like and move on (my children are 8 & 5) It is a waste if energy regretting and being disappointed. All part of becoming a parent I am afraid.........

flowery · 03/09/2013 16:08

I'm not surprised she hasn't offered to babysit again if the one time she did you made it clear you didn't trust her to be able to deal with dd if she woke.

AmberBrown · 03/09/2013 16:08

I totally empathise. I agree it's not her responsibility but it's just nice to have GPs who care. My MiL has looked after my sister in law's two kids, two or three days a week, for the last 10 years and does no childcare for us. Yes, they are our responsibility and we manage fine but it hurts my DH. Plus she takes the other two all the time for overnighters, including four or five days to allow her daughter and her husband to go on holiday, and when we asked for an overnighter once she said no.
Silly selfish moo so I try to keep my kids away from her. So maybe you are expecting too much, OP, but you still have my sympathy if it bothers you. Wine

Owllady · 03/09/2013 16:11

Neither of our families have ever helped us, never babysat, nothing. I don't think you can expect it tbh

I have a severely disabled child too, I feel resentful sometimes about it, but you know I think it's their loss not mine. They are missing out on their grandchildren and choosing to socialise with their friends (or in my MIL case watch the tv :o) It's up to them what they do, not me. I think you have accept that this is how things are otherwise you are going to upset yourself

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