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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex dh to cough up while dd is on her gap year?

37 replies

fber · 03/09/2013 13:09

The ex has paid 40pw for dd since we broke up 10 years ago. I've never asked for any more even though the CSA would probably have ordered him to pay much much more.

She has reached 18 and he has stopped paying me. She's finished her A levels and is taking a gap year and has a job lined up for October to earn money in the meantime.

I have lost child support, and now he's withdrawing his £40. I think he should cough up until she gets her job, in fact I would rather like him to keep coughing up for the remainder of the academic year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 03/09/2013 13:12

She can pay you the £40 from her earnings can't she?

Original poster
fber · 03/09/2013 13:16

Sorry, not enough information. She is working in a care home, and it may only be 3 shifts a week. But yes, she will be contributing. However when she goes to uni it will be me that's paying for the digs etc. Just think it's a bit bloody minded to just stop with the payments the day she turns 18 !

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 03/09/2013 13:16

Yabu

She will be earning in her job in a months time.

Why exactly are you expecting him to continue maintenence?

NotYoMomma · 03/09/2013 13:17

why cant she pay for her own digs and keep a job?

why should he pay money to you if she is not at home?

if anything he can give some to her as her father directly to help with her costs?

she is an adult now

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 03/09/2013 13:18

You should have gone through the CSA and then saved up.
He is being selfish but he is only required to pay until she's 18 I think.

TVTonight · 03/09/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 03/09/2013 13:21

Well it would be nice if he kept on contributing until she starts work, however if she's going to work in a care home why not start now.

Fwiw I worked in care homes for years and always did more than my 36 contracted hours so she might find she gets more than 3 shifts if she's willing

reelingintheyears · 03/09/2013 13:24

I get where you're coming from, just because she's 18 doesn't mean you stop everything, my DS2 is going to uni in a couple of weeks after having a year off while lazing around working and giving me £150 a month some of which he often borrows has back for bus fares etc
We often give him lifts and wouldn't think of asking for petrol money, stuff like that that does all add up.
£150 a month is bugger all, certainly doesn't cover everything but i'm not going to chuck him out am I?
I have bought pots and pans and everything for him to take with him to uni.

Maybe he should be helping her out financially directly if he doesn't want to give you the money.

Twat imo.

Runningchick123 · 03/09/2013 13:27

A gap year is a real luxury that not all young people can afford to have. You really shouldn't be expecting your ex to contribute as your daughter is now an adult and (presumably)could have gone straight to uni his year and been living off her grants, loans and part time earnings instead of taking a gap year.
It would have been sensible to expect him to cease paying and therefore have discussed finances with your daughter before she decided to embark on a gap year. Could she work more than 3 shifts to earn more money?
Your daughter is an adult now and I think your ex is within his rights to not pay regular maintenance.

reelingintheyears · 03/09/2013 13:28

And £40 a week for the last ten years was also tight, it costs more than £40 a week to bring up a child.

One decent pair of school shoes would use up a weeks money.

That's before all the school trips and the extras.

Runningchick123 · 03/09/2013 13:29

Tv tonight - obligatory maintenance through the CSA would stop at the same time as child benefit and child tax credits.

BonaDea · 03/09/2013 13:30

Yanbu. If you will be continuing to pay / help support her so should he. I agree he is being completely bloody minded and literal.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 03/09/2013 13:32

Yabu. She is an adult now and it is her responsibility to pay you towards her keep.

reelingintheyears · 03/09/2013 13:33

Yes, a gap year is a luxury and it might well have been sensible for the DC to go straight to uni, but how many 18 year olds are sensible?

Some have just had enough of education and want some time away from it and who can blame them.

But she's made her choice and she'll need to get another job or make sure she gets more shifts.

DS has two part time jobs, one in a local pub and one in a shop, the job one is being transferred to the uni town when he's there.

reelingintheyears · 03/09/2013 13:34

Pah!

*The shop one.

usualsuspect · 03/09/2013 13:37

Will he give your DD amy money to help with her uni costs etc?

If he can afford to help her out then I think he should.

I appreciate not everyone can afford to do this though.

headlesslambrini · 03/09/2013 13:37

I would imagine now that she is 18, if he wants to continue to support her then he is entitled to pay this directly to her. You need to set an amount with your DD for her keep and it's down to her to pay it, whether she asks her dad for help is up to her.

If she is only getting 3 shifts a week then she needs to either look for another job or another part time one to supplement what she gets from this one.

reelingintheyears · 03/09/2013 13:45

Mine are all pretty much grown up but i'd still go without, within reason to help out if I could and they needed me to.

Original poster
fber · 03/09/2013 13:47

she got 3 predicted a's in her a level and didn't quite get into med school, despite getting 2 interviews. She elected to take a gap year in the hope that she'd get the a's she'd been predicted and be in a better position to reapply for next intake. It's a sensible thought out plan by her, not just an excuse to doss about :)

OP posts:
LibraryBook · 03/09/2013 13:47

CSA take payments for children up to age 20 provided they're in full time education not beyond A level.

Runningchick123 · 03/09/2013 13:57

Library book - you are correct about it being until the age of 20 (providing child is in full time education not beyond A level and isin receipt of child benefit), it changed in 2012 apparently.
I find it quite odd that we are paying child benefit and sometimes parents paying child maintenance for children that are legally adults. Surely the law needs to decide if they are children or adults and treat them accordingly.
I do agree that decent parents will help support their children financially regardless of how old they are, but I think the money should be given to the 'child' once they reach 18 as it is their job to manage their money and pay board and lodgings etc. I don't think an absent parent should continue paying maintenance directly to the child's parent, the 'child' has to be encouraged to be responsible and financially independent.
OP - was your ex going to help your daughter with the costs of uni if she had not taken a gap year?

2rebecca · 03/09/2013 14:03

So is she resitting exams in this year? In that case it's not really a gap year but a resit year. If she isn't in full time education any money your ex gives is now between your daughter and him though and I suspect she'd be more likely to get money if she approaches him directly rather than you asking for money. He should have been involved in the discussions on her future if he's expected to contribute though, not just viewed as a source of cash. My husband pays towards his kids who are both over 18 and at college but since they were 18 has paid the money to them and they have involved him in discussions on their future just like they involve their mother.

Original poster
fber · 03/09/2013 14:15

No she's not resitting. When they first apply they are given predicted grades by the school, then made offers conditional on those grades. She didn't get an offer, but has now got the grades in the bag, if you see what I mean. So she can reapply to med school with actual grades, so that she may stand a better chance of getting an offer.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 03/09/2013 14:22

Would he make payments directly to her? What's their relationship like?
Could he be persuaded to step up for significant purchases, like a laptop?
He's going by the letter of the law, which is narrow, but many parents stop paying for their children when they finish school.

Whoknowswhocares · 03/09/2013 14:27

Its a tricky one. The expense of having a teen doesnt end at 18 and a more dedicated parent would see that and divvy up. however, the fact that mainainance is paid to you as 'the ex' makes it seem like you are the one benefiting. I could understand a change of approach to him giving her some funds or paying her mobile bill or something instead. would he be more receptive to that?
Ultimately though, it sounds like she can't afford a gap year unless one or both of her parents are prepared to bankroll it. Neither of you has to though, so 'expecting' anything is unreasonable imo

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