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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect ex dh to cough up while dd is on her gap year?

37 replies

fber · 03/09/2013 13:09

The ex has paid 40pw for dd since we broke up 10 years ago. I've never asked for any more even though the CSA would probably have ordered him to pay much much more.

She has reached 18 and he has stopped paying me. She's finished her A levels and is taking a gap year and has a job lined up for October to earn money in the meantime.

I have lost child support, and now he's withdrawing his £40. I think he should cough up until she gets her job, in fact I would rather like him to keep coughing up for the remainder of the academic year.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LeoandBoosmum · 03/09/2013 14:27

YANBU. Your daughter's father seems to be going by the letter rather than the spirit of the law. A bit unfair, I think, especially as he has not been overly generous in the past. Does he have a new family? Has his own financial position been compromised at all?
If your daughter can't work to a level where she can fully support herself - and she intends to start studying at university next year - then I think he could continue to pay towards her upkeep. After all, whatever she is able to give you won't cover all your expenses for keeping her. I would politely request that he continue to help out for the next year...until your daughter goes off to study (even then, TBH, he could contribute directly to your daughter until university is through!) She should be encouraged and congratulated for her work ethic and commitment to bettering herself academically.
In your daughter's shoes I would be feeling a bit hurt, like my dad had done the minimum required of him...duty rather than love, IYSWIM?

BrokenSunglasses · 03/09/2013 14:28

If she's not in education, I don't think he should be expected to pay you maintenance. He should still support her through university, but that's something that he has some choice over and any support would be directly to her, not through you.

As long as she's not actually in education, which she isn't when she's on a gap year, I don't think he should be expected to give you money.

belatedmaybe · 03/09/2013 14:46

She is now an adult and not in full time education. She has made a sensible and thought out decision to take a gap year. Now she needs to fund it. He doesn't have to and neither do you. If you or he choose to that is your, personal, decision. Once uni happens you will pay a contribution based on your situation and earnings the rest will be funded by your daughter via loans, grants, bursaries and any earnings/savings she can manage. This is normal.

Yes it would be nice if he helped her out but he doesn't have to and he certainly doesn't have to pay towards support you have decided to give as that was your decision alone.

Retroformica · 03/09/2013 16:41

I think it's very sensible to have a gap year actually. Why rush in to studying a degree with little life experience. It's too easy to feel that you have to just stay on the education treadmill. A degree causes huge debts though and so kids need to be sure it's the right degree.

ApocalypseThen · 03/09/2013 17:01

I think it's just plain mean of him. It's a continuation of a bizarrely scabby forty quid a month and nothing as soon as possible. Tight git.

MortifiedAdams · 03/09/2013 17:04

You are not obligated to pay for her digs - she can live at home.to commute or save lile.mad this year to.cover her rent.

Lweji · 03/09/2013 17:06

Why haven't you gone through CSA, but are now so concerned about the 40pw?

Why doesn't your DD move in with him?

livinginwonderland · 03/09/2013 17:15

How is it mean? She's 18 and travelling - if she wants to do that, great, but he's under no obligation to pay for it, and neither is OP.

whatever5 · 03/09/2013 17:16

If you want to support her financially this year, that is up to you but I'm not sure why you expect him to contribute if she is over 18 and not in education. Surely she can pay for her food/expenses via wages or job seekers allowance?

I hope that he intends to help her financially when/if she studies medicine though.

ThatsNontents · 03/09/2013 17:18

I think it's a scabby £40 a week not a month.

Viviennemary · 03/09/2013 17:21

I can see both sides. He's not actually been paying out a fortune all these years. So you could say he can continue to pay his £40 a week. But on the other hand she is now 18 and presumably is out of full time education. So he probably thinks it's OK to stop now. It depends on financial circumstances. If he can well afford it I don't see why he shouldn't carry on paying.

bobbywash · 03/09/2013 17:24

Did you have a court order on your break up. If so it probably says until she is 18 or leaves full time education whichever is the later excluding any gap years.

Also once she turns 18 he should pay it to her not to you. If you didn't get an order then really you need to get one, but in any event any money he pays once she reaches 18 should go to her.

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