AIBU to resign myself to life of being alone after 4 years of failed online dating?

[chompychompychompchomp]

Hi I am a long time browser, new to posting. Got a couple of weeks off work so now have the time to post something and wanting advice. I am a single mum to one daughter who is now 17 and I'm 40. Been single for five years after ending 7 year long relationship with someone (relationship with daughter's father ended 15 years ago). Been online dating on a number of sites for the past 4 years and am quite active, updating profile, adding new photos etc.

I am told I look much younger than I actually am (good genes) and am photogenic, take a good photo. I have been on countless dates, about 70 I would say at a guess. I have widened my parameters and are matched with a variety of men. Sometimes I initiate contact, mostly I don't though and seem to hear from men, 5 / 6 men per week I would say on average. I message the men I think will make a good match and invariably, after emails, texts, we go on dates. Not one of these dates has led to a relationship. Usually, I don't feel a 'click' and tell them (after date 1, 2 or 3) but a couple of times they have been honest and said I wasn't their type, fair enough.
I don't come across as needy or clingy as I am not that sort of person. I am chatty, friendly, keep myself fit, mostly healthy, and am told have a good sense of humour. I have resorted to reading ridiculous books to help me get an insight into men (Venus/Mars etc) but think they are mostly rubbish, dull and say nothing new.

Tried to meet men by joining clubs, evening classes, through friends, when out etc, no luck. What am I doing wrong? Should I just let my subscriptions lapse and give up, wait for a man to come into my life? I am not alone in this, single friends are also having no luck meeting men in London where we live. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's time to give up now? Is online dating a success only for younger people? And is that because the pool of younger people is larger?

chompy sorry to hear that you're finding it tough. I online dated sporadically for a few years and had a couple of short relationships but nothing really worked for me either- in general I found online blokes a bit wet. After a while I realised that I just was not attracted to the kind of guy who'd date online ( double standards, I know!). all i can say is widen your socisl circle- new female friends and attatched men can be a gateway to single guys. A good friend met her now husband on a cycling holiday- single blokes often do sporting stuff like that. Or go through your old school yearbook and Facebook and see if anyone is now divorced, and drop an email...? I met my DP by moving to another country for work- had to make a whole mew social life- he was at the end of a chain of female friends and it took a year from meeting the first one to meet him. good luck.

Thanks! Gives me some hope! I've thought about singles holidays / trips, may look into them for next year. I went to an all girls' school so the Facebook thing won't yield much! Also Facebook isn't really my thing. I think widening my social circle must be the only option, though I am pretty social as it is. I guess I'm wondering exactly how much effort I should put into this. I'm already out about two or three times a week with friends, doing social stuff and that doesn't include the dates! I suppose I could always do more though might not renew my online dating subscriptions...

Don't necessarily go on trips that are marketed to singles only- like online, they attract saddos. However look at Exodus and Explore, one of them does a few departures a year on many trips that have a number of places reserved for solo travellers. And on social life the key is to be out with new people. Maybe also try speed dating?

Oh, on books, take a look at Rachel Greenwald.

I have found it impossible to meet anyone in London. However when I visit friends in my home city in the Midlands, we go out and I always meet someone, each time I go out. For some reason I think the dating dynamic is far different in London, don't know why.

Move out of London!

I think if you focus so much on finding someone to be in a relationship with you send out the wrong signals to potential partners. You may not think you appear desperate but actively updating your singles account for four years and 70 dates seems like you are looking a bit too hard. I don't think that dating websites are a great idea tbh, they attract people who are incapable of finding someone in the real world because there's something wrong with them.

You should focus on improving/enjoying/accepting yourself and being open to meeting men in a natural way; through friends, shared interests etc.. don't look for it, they come when your not giving off 'need a man' vibes.

You should also write a list of what your looking for in a man and see if it's realistic. If there's a genuine problem in the area you live with too many women in competition for to few men, you could consider relocating.

I didn't have a spark with my now dh. I just liked him as a friend, and love grew from that a year later. I didn't expect it, I was sworn off of romance.

Not very helpful post I guess, just don't be too quick to rule out a good guy.

My brother who is 42 & divorced met his partner running marathons. My ex SIL met her partner at a karate class. I think once you are happy doing things yourself you meet people you like & from there relationships flourish (sp?). A bit like all the mums you meet when your children are at nursery, primary school; you meet loads but only stay in touch with one or two.

Never give up, never surrender.

I always found that most good things came to light when I stopped looking.

In the words of the legend that is Bruce Lee, if you only stare at the moon, you'll miss all the heavenly glory.

There's nothing wrong with internet dating. Some people are shy and find takling to people in social settings awkward. Some people are time poor, some people may be disabled and thus meeting people is physically difficult. Some people may just prefer internet dating. Just because it's not some people's preference doesn't mean it's wrong. There may well be someone online for you!

Sounds like you're doing everything right and just haven't struck lucky yet. I second the advice above about not being too quick to rule someone out because there's no spark...though three dates should be enough to tell, shouldn't it?

I am a big fan of internet dating as I met my DH online. We were both date weary and a bit cynical by the time we met and could easily have found reasons to pack the relationship in before it had a chance to flourish - nine years and two kids later, I'm glad we didn't!

Just wanted to wish you luck...you will find someone who was worth the wait, I'm sure of it.

Thanks for tips so far. Interesting insights.
Especially interesting was what Sparklysilversequins said about it being hard to meet people in London - I totally agree. There's just something not quite right about London, but unfortunately I'm not in a position to move.

I've tried speed dating a couple of times - was quite depressing actually. I felt that most of the men were just looking for one night stands. One even told me he had booked a double room in a hotel just in case we 'you know, love, hit it off'.

Friends, currently, do not know any single men. None of daughter's friends' parents are single either!!! I have some interests that I pursue outside work, but perhaps I need to start doing things that men are more likely to do. I'm not very sporty, though, so am at a loss about what exactly to try.

I was quite content being single up until last year despite online dating and going on dates before then, I was just testing the waters. Now I think my worry is that, as I've not even been close to a relationship in the last few years, it's becoming less and less likely to happen the older I get. I could quite happily spend another years or two single if I knew that something was on the horizon, though I'm not sure there is.

I've been internet dating for 4 years on and off. It took me 3 years to get a 2nd date, men were just never that interested. Which I found odd because I'm attractive, decent personality, solvent etc. Not one person who knows me in RL can believe men would turn me down (it's always assumed by people who know I'm single that it's because I am too fussy and always rejecting men, which is very far from the truth unfortunately!).

What I have realised is that lots, if not most men, who OD do it for the odd date/ casual sex. They think of themselves as players, better than the women they date, and are not looking for relationships. Of the ones who do want a relationship, many are unsuitable, because of a myriad of issues, anything from being too busy with work to have time for a girlfriend, to a lack of social skills, or still being hugely bitter over their last break up. And that doesn't include the pervs, oddballs and potential abusers.

It can be really hard to meet a normal person. And even if you do, occasionally, there's no guarantee of mutual attraction. I don't have much advice (I have started a thread myself this week in relationships bemoaning my crap luck with men) except to say I know how you feel, it's rubbish, it really is. But don't give up hope because you never know what's round the corner. It might be more of the same, but it can't hurt to hope for better :)

My friends who are into singing, classical music & art haven't met any men to date. (To save you joining a choir to meet men ).

I feel quite strongly that I may never have another relationship again. It is just hard to see how it will happen. I am a single mum to a 10 month old, so it's not exactly a priority but I do think about it sometimes. I know Internet dating is not for me. It is too contrived and takes away the romance and the getting to know someone for me. I know it works well for lots of people though. I think you need as much luck to meet someone online as you do in real life so I think I would prefer to take my chances with the latter.

Chompychompy I agree that it is much harder to meet people in London. I know loads of fit, funny successful women who are single and very few equivalent men!

Though I did have a nice date with a friend of a new mum friend. No chemistry, but nice to be out.

The men in London behave like dating is a "buyers Market" and they are doing the buying, it's tough. I did online in London and it's tough. Give it a miss and try to get out lots without any agenda of meeting someone. Sometimes you can try too hard.

I think after 70 dates, it just isn't working. It's also very tiring, I got to about 18 dates before I met my husband and I though that was bad (and had to have a few breaks along the way). One reason I think I went wrong though, is that I didn't tend to give people a chance if I didn't immediately find them very attractive, and this might have been a mistake. I'm not suggesting you continue to date men you don't like, but if they seem nice enough looking, then have 2/3 dates and kiss them to see if there's a spark.

But, my single friends in London have stopped online dating, it's just an utter meat market and many of the guys who would otherwise consider themselves lucky to get a date with a hot 40 year old are just lining up the next lot, and so don't seem to stop to get to know anyone once they've got their leg over, or gone on a few fairly superficial dates. London does seem the worst for this attitude, and the men who have it, older, so you get 40 year olds acting like they are 20.

They have better success meeting people at parties/social occasions, just in the pub, through work, looking friendly and outgoing than through online dating.

Look at this link for London Meet Ups, there are many types of meetup groups to choose from. There hopefully will be something here that will be of interest!

www.meetup.com/LONDON-MEETUP-SOCIAL-GROUP-KENS-EVENTS/

Also a single londoner. Also think it's a problem with London men. Considering moving. But then i would rather the mountain came to Muhammad, (i.e. Me) really... Can i import cardiff or York stock to my locality?

My own experience might suggest that the "London men are rubbish" theory is a viable one, as I didn't meet anyone till I moved away from London. But actually he had also been living in London and single at the same time as me! I suppose that what really happened was that we both took the same decision to move here for work and by virtue of meeting in this expat context we were really meeting through a shared interest/external common factor other than being singe.....

Also, my experience in London was not at all one of meeting players - I either met blokes who were really wet and desperate to marry any girl who snogged them, or blokes who had such high girlfriend standards that they were holding out for someone absolutely perfect and, being in London, saw the pool as being pretty large. The latter wasn't great when they didn't consider me perfect , and I think that some of them made that decision very early on in the date and then switched off, but at least I was found them less cringey than the desperate ones.

I think that you may be a bit like me OP - faced with a need in your life (partner) you are practical and think, right, how do I find one of those? So where better to look than places where single people advertise themselves - so much better than wasting time getting to know men who turn out to be attached i.e. the Alanis Morrissette scenario "meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife..."?

(There was a very funny scene in Coupling, which you may remember as a sort of Friends-style British sitcom. I'm paraphrasing but it was something like this:

Girl 1: "This is John, my friend Susan's husband.
Girl 2: [unsmiling hello]
John goes to the bar, looking a bit offended.
Girl 1: "Why didn't you smile, John's a really nice bloke, that was rude!"
Girl2: I am 38 and single. I have limited elasticity left in my face. I can't waste it by smiling at married men" )

It is REALLY HARD to go home from the shops if you you still haven't found what you wanted to buy. But it's also exhausting to keep trailing round and eventually your judgment goes a bit off.

When you said in your OP that either you didn't feel a click, or they told you that you weren't their type, did you like any of the ones who rejected you? I ask because if you don't find someone attractive you can't force it, but if you are failing to get ones that you like to engage with you, then maybe you need to look at how you are behaving. After 70 dates you probably have a bit of a script - I know I did. I am emphatically NOT saying that you should change your personality to attract a man. However it's possible that your date persona is actually masking your true persona, and you are unwittingly creating the wrong impression. I'd really recommend "Have him at hello" by Rachel Greenwald. She interviewed a lot of men who had ditched women after 1 or 2 dates and then fed back to the women, who were absolutely amazed at the reasons for the ditching. (And no, it wasn't that they said things like "her tits were too small" when the ditchee thought it was because she wasn't interested in Mozart).

Finally, never say never. My Mum met a long term partner through internet dating when she was in her mid fifties.

Good luck!

Could it be down to the type of OD sites you use?
Do you only look for men in London?

I disagree with some of the generalisations that men who use OD have something wrong with them and can't meet women in real life (yes I am paraphrasing). I met my husband on an OD site and he is a wonderful man - we both just happened to be living in a locality where meeting people was difficult.

OP its not just you. So many other people have the same experience. Usually when somone posts about OD, they end up getting told its their fault in some way, because, surely it must be if they keep meeting idiots, or have had so many dates and not met anyone that its turned into a relationship with.

It just doesnt work like that and its usually down to a whole lot of luck. 70 dates sounds a lot ( i think im in the 90 region after about 4 years too) but, when you think, if you came across 70 men in a club when you were younger, how many would you fancy and would fancy you back... and then both want a relationship... its easy to see why it is a numbers game and that those numbers can be higher than what you might first think.

I do agree that lots of men who OD seem to have issues, If its not social ineptness, its just being plain odd and these traits sometimes arent visible until you meet in person. Then there are the married men who lie and the pervs.. its a minefield.

Sounds to be like you are doing everything you can, dont give up if its something you want, just keep changing it up, putting yourself out then and eventually, something has to happen.

I have heard or noticed that big cities are tricky. Men can get lots of easy sex, confident that there's plenty of time to settle down with the pick of the bunch when they're ready.

I've made an interesting observation - many men in their 40's (and even 50's) are looking to start family and they seem to be looking for a partner younger than themselves.
They had their fun and now are ready to settle down...
whilst most females in that age group are not interested in having babies

Yes. Men who are looking for a family want a woman with plenty of fertility left. So men who are 45 want a woman about 30 or 35.

"half his age plus seven years " is the old maxim.

And women who are young aren't usually interested!

I have seen some interesting but scary stuff by economists/sociologists about the economics of pairing. Post sexual revolution practice heavily favours men.