AIBU to resign myself to life of being alone after 4 years of failed online dating?

[chompychompychompchomp]

Hi I am a long time browser, new to posting. Got a couple of weeks off work so now have the time to post something and wanting advice. I am a single mum to one daughter who is now 17 and I'm 40. Been single for five years after ending 7 year long relationship with someone (relationship with daughter's father ended 15 years ago). Been online dating on a number of sites for the past 4 years and am quite active, updating profile, adding new photos etc.

I am told I look much younger than I actually am (good genes) and am photogenic, take a good photo. I have been on countless dates, about 70 I would say at a guess. I have widened my parameters and are matched with a variety of men. Sometimes I initiate contact, mostly I don't though and seem to hear from men, 5 / 6 men per week I would say on average. I message the men I think will make a good match and invariably, after emails, texts, we go on dates. Not one of these dates has led to a relationship. Usually, I don't feel a 'click' and tell them (after date 1, 2 or 3) but a couple of times they have been honest and said I wasn't their type, fair enough.
I don't come across as needy or clingy as I am not that sort of person. I am chatty, friendly, keep myself fit, mostly healthy, and am told have a good sense of humour. I have resorted to reading ridiculous books to help me get an insight into men (Venus/Mars etc) but think they are mostly rubbish, dull and say nothing new.

Tried to meet men by joining clubs, evening classes, through friends, when out etc, no luck. What am I doing wrong? Should I just let my subscriptions lapse and give up, wait for a man to come into my life? I am not alone in this, single friends are also having no luck meeting men in London where we live. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's time to give up now? Is online dating a success only for younger people? And is that because the pool of younger people is larger?

I agree with you SoThisIsHowYouNameChange - when I was in my 30's I would not look at a man in his 40's for a partner.
I remember words from someone who married a guy who was oder than her by 15 years I think - then she was mid 30's - she said - I want to go out and have fun - he wants to stay in wearing his slippers - Please antimatter don't marry someone much older than you :)

I agree re: age of men - my OD profile is being looked at by men in their late 40s / early 50s but i'm only just turned 37 and look young for my age!

I want to date men in their 30s.

There are just NO single men in their 30s around here (South coast of England).

My sister is 34 and has had the same problem.
She's slowly getting to meet men through joining an extreme sports group, but like Chompy i'm just not very sporty.

What puts me off older men - smoking (you are 50% likely to die of a smoking-related illness if you are over 50 and a smoker) - and the possibility of being with a much older man and becoming his carer as he gets older and ill.

It sounds shallow but I see it often at work (in a hospital) with age difference couples and it's awful.

Men who are 37 are interested in women 28-32. I'm afraid your odds now lie with men 45-50. It's not impossible to meet a man your own age, but it's a bit harder.

Chompy I really feel for you as I have been there and I do think that there is something about London that makes men really overestimate how special they are!

I absolutely hated the vibe they gave out when I lived there, like "I suppose you'll do for now but I'm keeping my eyes peeled in case something better comes along". I took great advantage of friends elsewhere and used to frequently go to Yorkshire / Wales / The Midlands / Glasgow for a weekend where there are no end of lovely blokes who still value chatting to a single woman! It was quite a relief to realise that it wasn't me after all, just that London men are horrifically picky.

I'd say take a break from OD for now - it sounds like you're pretty tired with it all anyway, you're probably feeling a bit cynical, and for some reason things usually don't work out until you stop looking anyway.

And if in the meantime you can get away for the weekend to somewhere a little less intense it'll do you the world of good!

Surely this age thing applies more to men without children?

I've dated men younger than me (with children) who didn't consider my age an issue. If a man doesn't want more children (they didn't) they will often prefer a woman in her 40s whose family is complete, rather than one in their 20s or 30s who might want another baby

I'm 45 three teenage DCS and am currently in a relationship with a 33 year old I met through Internet dating. whilst I think it's generally true that men in my age group are seeking to meet women in their early thirties, a lot of that might be to do with wanting children (we don't!) so while there may be a sizeable majority of men who are OD in order to shag (& I've met my fair share of those...) it certainly isn't 100% the case. Likewise the generalisation that London men have a wider field and therefore keep looking for someone 'perfect' might also not necessarily be true 100% of the time.

Thinking about it, I think I had around 10 dates over a couple of years. including a bitter divorced writer who split up from his wife 10 years ago and spent the date talking about her and who thought he was cleverer than me. a guy who disappeared after I slept with him (after 4 dates) a chap who was misrepresented by his photographs and who did a runner halfway through the date (which saved me the bother and ment I was the better person...) a bdsm chappy who was seeing someone else and wanted to have children, so I left him to it. A stand-up comedian who more or less did his routine on the date (I'd googled him.)

I think that for each tale of disappearers, red-flags like village fete bunting and creepy perverts, there is also a very happy couple. Individual experience doesn't equal statistical data. OD works for some people, it doesn't for others.