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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

grandma of DD

30 replies

Neeliethere · 02/09/2013 14:31

Please tell me if you agree or not. We are separated but getting along OK and agree on most things with regards to our daughter.

However, she is a typically lazy teenager. She also is a bit guilty of not trying or making any effort for anything and sort of expects stuff to land in her lap with no effort on her part. Does nothing at all and then kicks off if we don't give her the allowance we agreed to for generally doing what many would do for nothing . If it doesn't come easy she just gives up. Which I find really disappointing because I can see the crestfallen face when her mates get things that she doesn't get but doesn't acknowleldge that they probably work a lot harder at what they do. Swimming was a case in point. She was a good swimmer but put in no effort so was crushed when all the others got a medal and she didn't.

I digress. Her grandma is sadly quite a manipulative child like narcissistic type person. All through her life she has delighted in telling DD how much money she has put in her savings account for her since the day she was born. It has always annoyed me that she does this and I have given up asking her not to mention it to our daughter. DD has often been heard to say "that's alright I'll just use the money that grandma has put in my account for me to get it" when we say no to something we can't afford to give her.

Latest thing is that she is aware of some her friends older siblings being bought cars pretty soon after their 17th Birthdays. She's 16 in 4 weeks time. She was discussing with Grandma last week that she would like a moped for her birthday. Grandma said she wouldn't like her to have one as they are dangerous. Grandma then went on to say that if she doesn't have the moped (which we had already told she wasn't having anyway) she would buy her a car for her 17th birthday. "How much would you need?" says grandma "would about £4,000 cover it?". Of course my DD is over the moon and telling all her mates how her grandma is going to buy her a car for her birthday next year. Grandma has always done this. Tries to buy people's affection and attention. It's horrible and insideous. This is all done without prior discussion with her son (or me when we were together).

I am absolutely bloody livid. Would you be?

OP posts:

invicta · 02/09/2013 14:34

Have you spoken to your ex about it? Maybe he needs to have a short sharp discussion with her. Des he agree with you or her? If with you, then certainly a discussion needs to be had.

JaneFonda · 02/09/2013 14:40

YABU.

Why do you have to twist it into DD's grandma being a horrible person? Nothing you've said suggests that she is nasty or manipulative.

She sounds like a lovely grandma, to be honest. All the grandparents I know love spoiling their grandchildren - why can't you be happy that DD will get a car that she wants, and that her grandma will happily pay for it? It seems sad to me that you want to deprive them both of the joy that a present brings.

Yes, it is somewhat extravagant, but if DD's grandma has the money, it is up to her to decide how to spend it. You don't get to dictate whether or not she speaks about the savings that she has for DD - let them get on with their own relationship.

Original poster

Neeliethere · 02/09/2013 14:42

yes I have spoken to him about it. He absolutely agrees with me. But he chose to let it go in front of our daughter and says he gave his mum a talking to on the phone last night. However, I don't believe that either.

I've been there and witnessed her little tremulous voice weedling around them and he doesn't pick up on it being wrong until I point it out later on. Poor woman doesn't believe she can get anyone's love without buying them something.

I absolutely hated Christmas time with her there. Pretty early on our DD had sussed out that Grandma is basically a cash cow and cuddles her knowing there will be a large cheque forthcoming.

He probably finds it hard to challenge the behaviour because he buys into it so much himself. She's always given him money for things he wants that he can't afford himself. Good god she even offered to sell her house and try to get a council flat so he could have her house to sell. I think if I hadn't stepped in he would have taken it too. Obviously his look out, but I have to deal with my daughter and she's fast catching on to what she can get out of her by being manipulative herself.

OP posts:

JaneFonda · 02/09/2013 14:44

I am also very :( about the way you speak about your own DD - manipulative and lazy? I really hope you don't say these things to her face.

thebody · 02/09/2013 14:45

gosh most of our friends brought their children cars at 17. we didn't as have 4 and can't afford it so its quite commen to do this or to help pay for the insurance.

tell your dd she needs to get a Saturday job or evening work to help with the running costs.

personally I think getting a car for a teenager is a ridiculous waste of money unless its to get them to full time work.

however the grand mother sounds nice, can't see where narcissistic comes in here, and your dd sounds a normal teen.

DropYourSword · 02/09/2013 14:47

There's a completely different angle to look at this from...

LindaMcCartneySausage · 02/09/2013 14:48

Couldn't DISagree more with JaneFonda. It may be their relationship, but the OP is trying to parent her child and I would not have someone undermining me by giving my DD a car when I didn't want her to have one. Whatever the reason.

I had something similar to this. Even though my DS is 2, his aunt (wealthy, childless) told us that she had kept her vintage sports car, which she was selling, to give to DS for his 17th birthday. We told her to forget it. It's too high powered for an irresponsible teenager and I'm not paying for the insurance. He won't need a car - we live in central London - and if he does need one, he can have a second hand Micra.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/09/2013 14:48

My niece, got a car on her 18th birthday with money my mother had saved for her over the years. Its not that unusual.

I'm failing to see why its such a bad thing really?

JaneFonda · 02/09/2013 14:51

Linda, it's not really about the car though, is it?

It's about the OP twisting the grandma doing a nice thing for her granddaughter, and turning it into it being 'insidious' and her daughter being 'manipulative'.

The OP is just using the car as a reason to be annoyed at DD's grandma.

FrenchRuby · 02/09/2013 14:52

I think she should have spoken to you about the car first but she sounds like she just wants to spoil her grand daughter

Tortington · 02/09/2013 14:54

the car isn't the cost at all

who is going to pay for her lessons
tax
insurance

she can have a car...that doesn't make her able to drive unless she earns money to keep it on the road.

see where i'm going with this.

if grandma wants to spend on the upkeep too - fuck me...let her.

also, i agree, teenagers can be lazy shits, ungrateful, spiteful pains in the arses.

of course they can be delightful, wonderful and loving.

when you are writing a post about a problem, of course you are bound to write your negative feelings, i think most people understand that this is only one side of a story on one day in a posters life.

it is beyond me how posters can't grasp that - and leap to the most unimaginable conclusions such as you calling her names on a daily basis to her face

quick call social services geez

JaneFonda · 02/09/2013 14:56

Tortington, if you actually read the thread you'd see that no one suggested that the OP called her DD names on a daily basis to her face... not sure where you got that from.

LouiseAderyn · 02/09/2013 14:58

I don't think a gp should offer to buy a car for a dgc without clearing it with the parents first.

Obviously the OP knows her own daughter better than we do and if she says her dd is using grandma as a cash cow, then that's something which clearly needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later. There are some people who go through life using others for their own ends - that behaviour doesn't just come out of nowhere when they hit 18. It starts earlier and there is nothing wrong with a parent trying to instil a work ethic or the belief that rewards have to be earned and appreciated.

The gift of a car is lovely, but only if the dd is appreciative and not taking it as her given right and as long as grandma isn't giving the message that it doesn't matter what mum says about working/earning rewards because grandma will just ignore the parent and give her what she wants, regardless. Because that would be undermining.

BackforGood · 02/09/2013 14:58

I have a 17yr old who is learning to drive, as are his cousins, and of course many of his friends. I only know of one person who has had a car bought for them, however, that is a bit irrelevant. The point is, your dd has been told there is £4000 there for her to be driving soon enough. I'd be inclined to start talking to her about how she's going to finance it.... buying the car is the smallest amount, IME. She will need £50 to buy the provisional licence, then £22 (or more) per lesson. She'll need to pay for her theory test and then her practical test, and it's only once she's passed she'll be starting to spend the REALLY big money on insurance.
She's a very lucky girl to have that much to spend, but I think I'd accept that's the way Grandma is, and actually start trying to get my dd to understand that she will need most of the £4K for her insurance, and not to start thinking of spending that kind of amount on a car. Or to put in her mind that there's no point in anyone giving her a car if he's not worked out how to fund her driving lessons. Or to take her with you when you fill up and put £60 worth of petrol in your own car and ask her how she's going to afford that, etc., etc.

BackforGood · 02/09/2013 14:58

x-posted with lots, sorry!

LindaMcCartneySausage · 02/09/2013 15:10

But the grandma is undermining the parents, whether it's merely thoughtless or more malevolent in intent. I would not be happy if my parenting choices - like a decision that my teenage DD is not to get a car - were over-ridden by anyone.

Fakebook · 02/09/2013 15:16

...sorry I can't see where she's been manipulative or narcissistic. She's helped her son and gone as far as offering to give up her house so he gets something...that's a very gracious thing to do.

She spoils her grand daughter at Christmas and birthdays? What's narcissistic about that?
As for buying her a car...well god forbid any grandparent wanting to do nice things for their grandchild. Can't believe this woman is being labelled horribly.

SilverApples · 02/09/2013 15:22

She sounds like my grandmother.
God, I loved that woman. She loved all of her grandchildren unconditionally and without reservation. I miss her still.
Your DD will have to cost up all the running expenses and see how she's going to manage them at 17.
No, I wouldn't be livid. But I'm not you.

Loa · 02/09/2013 15:27

I get the undermining - which is bloody annoying - but the narcissistic I'm not so sure of. It that coming from being the on to 'gift' the car but not pay for it upkeep or lesson or road tax?

I would have thought a sit down talk of here what a car costs to run - how are you going to pay for it talk - suggestion of job - would be helpful to a DC starting to look round and see everyone as a cash cow.

Could be a golden opportunity to motivate said teenager and teach them about reponsblity, value of money and working for stuff they want.

holidaysarenice · 02/09/2013 15:28

Does her gandma actually have the money or is it just a string to dangle in front of ur dd?

GhostsInSnow · 02/09/2013 15:57

TBH I'd be infinitely happier with Grandma buying her a car in 12 months time than her having a moped now. I think I'd be quite relieved that DD will be fortunate enough to have transport available to her and I'd take the opportunity to get her saving for lessons, insurance etc

My Mum paid for DS driving lessons, she didn't ask me if that was ok, she asked DS as he was 17 and as far as I was concerned he was near enough an adult to make those decisions himself. Likewise when MIL offered to buy him a car I wasn't consulted, nor for a moment did I expect to be.

Original poster

Neeliethere · 02/09/2013 17:25

Lovely mixed view of things which I really appreciate. I guess I have a history of this lady being pretty manipulative. Always playing games with us over the years. Like making us virtually beg her to join us each Christmas and finally only making her mind up on Christmas Eve. Pretending to be ill when she's doesn't think she's getting enough attention. I could go on but that's another subject.

I don't mind her offering per se, but to do it so far in advance and not speak to her dad first, I think was wrong and undermining. To be honest I would rather her not have the moped (which in my view she wasn't going to have any way) and have the car. I just didn't want her to be told so far in advance that it would be purchased for her. I wanted her to think about how she might do it and start to put a bit of effort into getting there under her own steam. Grandma does do it to curry favour. She does with everyone she knows. Also by doing this she is putting us in a corner as we would then be the ones having to worry about insurance, car maintenance, tax and driving lessons etc etc. Not to mention 17 year olds on the roads are a bloody liability!! In our wage brackets it an unrealistic expectation for our daughter to have. We're not wealthy either together or apart. Grandma isn't that wealthy either. She's just building up money because she doesn't ever go out or spend anything herself. I would imagine if she gave DD that much it would probably be a fair chunk of her savings.

Of course I don't tell my dd she's lazy and being manipulative on a daily basis. I just try, on a daily basis, to instil a work ethic into her which any self respecting parent would want to teach their kids surely? I am asking for your views and confiding my feelings on something. Which it is nice to get either positive or negative.

It isn't any different. She used to do it when we were together. As I said, she opened an account for her when she was a baby and takes great delight in telling her how much is in it. She started to do that as soon as DD could understand what was being said to her. I am of the view that kids don't need to know what is coming to them, they just get it when it's due or available and ideally as a surprise - not an expectation. They should learn to plan their lives and achievements around working for the things they will want as an adult, not be encouraged to sit around waiting for it land in their laps because they've been told it will some years down the line.

But we all see things differently don't we.

OP posts:

SilverApples · 02/09/2013 17:44

'Also by doing this she is putting us in a corner as we would then be the ones having to worry about insurance, car maintenance, tax and driving lessons etc etc.'

No, the car sits on the drive/in the garage until she can work out how to pay for those things. You could gift her lessons for her 17th perhaps. But the rest? Perfect reason for her to get a part-time job.

Dackyduddles · 02/09/2013 17:48

Agree with silver. Why on earth would all of it be a gift? Doesn't have to be does it?

Topseyt · 02/09/2013 18:06

Mixed opinions, obviously. I can understand many of them, but I think that maybe the real issue here is that you are trying to teach your daughter lessons such as "money doesn't grow on trees", and "these things have to be earned" rather than always coming easily.

It sounds as if Grandma's heart is in the right place, but she hasn't really thought through the fact that what she is doing may be undermining your efforts. This might need gently explaining to her - you appreciate her efforts, but you believe that they are not really helping your daughter to learn some valuable life lessons.

Teenagers can be awful. I have had two, and have a third (and final) one up and coming in the next couple of years. We love them all very much, but they can be know-it-alls, argumentative, sulky, moody, manipulative ..... the list goes on. 14, 15 and (to a slightly lesser extent) 16 were the worst ages for my eldest daughter. She was really through the worst of it after that. She is 18 now, soon off to university and lovely. I will miss her greatly. In her teenage "fog" I really thought I had lost her, but she came back to her.

I still have a 15 year old and an 11 year old, so I shall be doing the teenage years for some considerable time yet and can feel your pain.

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