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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want MIL and SIL to stay in a hotel

91 replies

HollieHelen · 02/09/2013 13:58

... and not in the living room of our small 3-bed terrace when they come over to stay for a week??
We have no living area when they're staying and everything gets very tense / claustrophobic.
DH has accused me of being inhospitable (fair comment) BUT I have done some unforgivable things to him this past year and have a lot of making up to do.
Just can't stand the thought of the invasion though ...

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 04/09/2013 15:41

I think having an affair and putting up with house guests who are unhygienic at the very least and leave excrement everywhere are separate issues. Just because you indulged in the former doesn't mean you have to put up with the latter. Your DH as an adult decided to give your marriage another go because he thought there was something worth salvaging. It shouldn't never be used like some kind of bargaining chip

I would have them for 2 nights max and then say sweetly as a special treat you have booked them into a local hotel so they can chill and relax how they like

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 16:18

I agree with bakingaddict. You and he are still dealing with the aftermath of the affair. That doesn't mean that your family has to put up with his sister and mum staying, when it means the house will smell and everyone will be cramped and claustrophobic.

I don't know why a hotel is seen as a bad option. I'd love it! Far better to stay in a hotel than to sleep in a child's bed or on the sofa. It would be uncomfortable for them and intrusive for you.

At this point when your relationship needs to heal, you can really do without them staying with you. Staying in a hotel and coming to your house after breakfast every day, yes. Putting you in a position where you have no privacy, no.

As for your SIL, why has no-one helped her do anything about her BO and other problems? I don't understand how her mum hasn't done something.

Crowler · 04/09/2013 16:24

I would probably be willing to do this to get back in my husband's good graces after an affair.

It doesn't sound fun.

What will they do when the kids get up really early? Will they get up as well?

Crowler · 04/09/2013 16:25

FWIW I agree they're separate issues and it's not a whip for him to beat you with interminably, but in the early days I'd work around some things.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 16:29

I think her husband will want her to be like she was before, when everything was fine. He'll want her to be truthful, given what's happened. If she lies and says it's OK, she doesn't mind if they stay, she's doing neither of those things.

Crowler · 04/09/2013 16:31

I suppose I have a different definition of OK. In this case, I'd be thinking: It's OK because I'd like you to know I'm trying, and this is me trying.

Ledkr · 04/09/2013 16:33

I hate anyone staying at mine, I love to see people and socialise but I love my own space as well.
Worst thing for me is getting up early and wanting a quiet cup of tea but having to deal with yapping first thing (yes mil and fil you!)

Coconutty · 04/09/2013 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict · 04/09/2013 16:42

Why HollieHelen does your DH think it's acceptable that his DSis leaves shit around your house for his wife and kids to bear witness to.

Surely the time has come for somebody to take the initiative i.e your DH regarding his sister's issues and speak gently to his mum and say why it's not feasible for her to stay at your house whilst she is the way she is. I feel so sorry for his sister that those closest to her allow her to be this way

Chottie · 04/09/2013 16:48

I just, could not have these people staying in my house and polluting my bathroom no matter what I had done. I don't see how cleaning up poo is the price to be paid....

mynewpassion · 04/09/2013 16:50

Suck it up.

Meglet · 04/09/2013 16:50

Yanbu. TBH I wouldn't stay in another persons house, so I wouldn't dream of having people to stay with me. It's impossible to relax with others around.

3birthdaybunnies · 04/09/2013 16:50

How old are your dc? Maybe you could arrange a few nights for you & dh in a hotel - either consecutive or spread over a few nights. That way the relatives get to spend some quality time with ds at 6am and you & dh get some time alone to work on being together not just parents. Dh might be persuaded to see the benefits even if he does have to clean the bathroom on his return.

mynewpassion · 04/09/2013 16:54

One week of messiness once or twice a year vs. Years of mistrust.

Inertia · 04/09/2013 17:28

Them staying in a hotel is easier - can you put it to them as your treat ? I can see your point - medical issues are one thing but a shit covered bathroom is not fair.

If DH insists on them staying, how about putting sil and mil in your bed ( buy a cheap set of bedding and pillows / duvet plus mattress protector so the whole lot can go to the laundrette).

Then you and dh can go in the living room, or one with each child. Otherwise it's only having an impact on your workload , not dh.

The affair is obviously a big deal but it is a separate issue.

Crowler · 04/09/2013 18:04

Jesus christ I just read that she tried to clean the toilet brush in the sink and got poo everywhere.

I am dying.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 18:12

OP, you've told us a lot on your threads about how lovely your husband is. You beat yourself up quite a lot, don't you?

There is nothing wrong in saying that your SIL and MIL should stay in a hotel, particularly as you are paying for it.

He didn't clean up after them, did he? He wasn't the one cleaning the bathroom that time, was he?

I wonder whether his reasons for wanting them to stay have a little to do with the fact you are clearly unhappy about them coming.

han3459 · 05/09/2013 09:54

Sorry but I think that YABU (slightly). If their family then they shouldn't have to stay in a hotel. We've had 13 people stay in a 3 bedroom house before in ours, people in the kitchen, lounge etc. You just make do cause that's what family does :)

han3459 · 05/09/2013 09:55

Sorry but I think that YABU (slightly). If they're family then they shouldn't have to stay in a hotel. We've had 13 people stay in a 3 bedroom house before in ours, people in the kitchen, lounge etc. You just make do cause that's what family does :)

Original poster

HollieHelen · 16/09/2013 11:18

So DH and I have had a chat about this and it looks like they will still be staying with us when they come over ...

So, this being the case (not happy but I have to agree for DH's sake) - how can I set out some houserules but still come across as hospitable rather than the inhospitable introverted control freak I actually am?!

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 16/09/2013 11:21

Well for starters your living room has to be available for family use from a specified time: no sleeping relatives or clothes strewn about etc. Can you give them space upstairs for luggage to be stored?

How do you think asking them to do particular chores would go down? If you are having to do a lot of extra bathroom cleaning (to pick an example entirely at random) maybe MIL and SIL could take up something else and do that for you.

If you can, I'd try and arrange it so they are out of the house on trips 2-3 times, for a breathing space. Is your DH taking time off work during the visit? He should really, for their sakes and yours.

Original poster

HollieHelen · 16/09/2013 11:30

TBH I don't mind doing the chores etc. It's therapeutic (most of the time, other than extreme bathroom cleaning!!) and gives me a break from them.

But, last time I know DH suspected I was deliberately doing chores to avoid interacting with them, so maybe getting them to share some chores would be good?

I know I'd just want to redo them afterwards though!!

Luggage space elsewhere is also a good idea ...

OP posts:

Original poster

HollieHelen · 16/09/2013 11:32

They do such random stuff, it's always really hard to think of house rules in advance. Like last time, when they were packing to leave I found that MIL had thrown away the underwear, socks, even jeans and a jumper / other dirty clothes that she'd worn while staying, into our kitchen bin / onto floor beside bin in kitchen. This was to make space for new clothes she'd bought.

I cleaned up kitchen, washed clothes (other than underwear), and took them to the charity shop.

They surprise me every time

OP posts:

FrauMoose · 16/09/2013 11:38

I think it's being a good host to want to look after guests by making them decent meals, having interesting conversations etc etc.

It is pretty hard to do this if a) one's knackered after cleaning up after people with very little sense of housekeeping and personal hygiene and b) one is simmering with resentment.

So I'd argue one can do the looking after a lot better if the guests have a hotel room to retreat to/mess up.

Families vary widely. But I wouldn't dream of kipping on somebody's sofa or completely upsetting a family's normal sleeping arrangements for more than a couple of nights maximum.

yummymumtobe · 16/09/2013 11:46

A week is way too long for a visit. I think anything more than 2 or 3 nights you are not a visitor but someone looking for free accomodation! If you stay that long you should chip in with chores, cook a meal etc. I would feel very uncomfortable staying in someone's lounge - surely they would feel awkward about this?

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