Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not trying to find my DC's father?

37 replies

ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 20:33

Brief background:

Some years ago, I was in a bad way emotionally. I fell into a party lifestyle of late nights, drinking and sleeping around. I had lost my family and was incredibly lonely. All I really wanted was someone to hold my hand at night while I slept. But the only way I could find that was with a series of one-night stands :(

One night I went out and met a particularly gorgeous bloke. He came back to mine, we had sex. He stayed for ages the next day, only leaving because I had to go out as I'd arranged to meet friends. He asked for my number, I gave him my business card Blush

I never heard from him again.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My DC is now a teenager, and knows only their dad has never been in the picture.

Only my oldest and closest friends know about this. I was talking to one of them today about various things, and I mentioned DC's dad. My friend asked did I not think I should have tried to find him at some point since I found out I was pregnant for DC's sake?

I've always told myself it was for the best we weren't in contact. But now I wonder if I've been wrong all these years? I knew only his first name, occupation, age, and the area of London where he lived. I didn't think it would have been possible, plus this all occurred some years before I or anyone I knew had internet access.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 31/08/2013 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoleSource · 31/08/2013 20:36

Has your child asked about his Father? You did what you thought was best for you at the time. Could you trace him if you needed to? Do you know his name, age, address etc?

SoleSource · 31/08/2013 20:37

Sorry, computer jumped and missed the last few lines of your post.

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 20:39

We had no friends in common, met in a nightclub local to him.

My friend (who I didn't know then but have known since DC was a baby) said maybe I could've gone to his local pubs at the time.

It didn't even occur to me back then.

She said she thinks it's unfair he'll never know he has a DC. Which made me feel a bit :(

OP posts:
marleebrodie · 31/08/2013 20:41

What would you gain by contacting him assuming your DC has never expressed any desire to meet them.

You could really open a can of worms...this could get way messy.

The ripples from this could spread and spread....

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 20:47

DC has no father figure in their life. Has asked questions about their dad ('did my dad like x') many times, but no more than that. It is quite possible DC may ask in the next few years, as they approach adulthood.

My friend thought the man deserves to know he's a father, and I should have found him and told him while I was pregnant. She said at least if I'd seen him then I'd have recognised him, whereas now I could walk past him in the street and not know.

OP posts:
YourHandInMyHand · 31/08/2013 20:57

I would have tried for my child rather than for the dad. Your child does sound curious, maybe you should ask if they would want you to try and find their dad?

Peachyjustpeachy · 31/08/2013 21:01

Did you have twins?

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 21:09

I do feel, with the benefit of hindsight, maybe I should have tried at the time. Even if only to get a name and address.

But it's possible I might not even have managed that.

After so many years, I wouldn't have a clue how to find him now. I don't know that I want to ask DC about contacting this man, because if the answer is yes, then am I not just setting DC and myself up for a fall if I can't find him?

OP posts:
Snailonthewhale · 31/08/2013 21:11

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Pre Internet, I don't think you'd have had a cat in hells chance of finding him back then, especially as we are talking about London. If all this had taken place in a small country village that would be different. and with the information you have it doesn't sound at all likely you are going to be able to find him now. It's just one of those things. You can't change it so don't waste time stressing about it or feeling bad.

Punkatheart · 31/08/2013 21:12

No, don't beat yourself up.

I hope life is better for you now and I am sorry that you had to feel so low back then...

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 21:20

I wish I'd known his surname, or anything more. But then again if he'd ever called me...oh well.

My life did get better, not hugely but some. I cut down hugely on drinking once I found I was pregnant (stuck to the then recommended no of units), and stopped sleeping around. And once DC arrived I stopped feeling lonely.

OP posts:
LookAtTheTwain · 31/08/2013 21:33

How can you be sure this particular guy was the father if you had a series of one night stands?

How can you say it didn't even occur to you to try and find/contact him at the time you found out you were pregnant? I mean surely it crossed your mind!?

I wouldn't bother worrying about it now tbh, there really isn't much you can do at all. I guess when your child is older you'll just have to tell him that he was very much wanted and loved by you the second you found out you were pregnant, but it would be impossible to know who the father is as you had a one night stand and only saw the guy that one time and never had contact again.

Snailonthewhale · 31/08/2013 21:38

I can sympathise as my dd2 has zero contact with her father (as ordered by the court), due to the fact that he has a dangerous and severe personality disorder. I have no idea what to tell her as she gets older. At least your story is quite simple and clean cut, even if the situation is not ideal. No one is to blame, it's just life.

Praying4Beatrice · 31/08/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 21:42

There was a gap of several weeks between this guy and the previous one, during which I had my period.

The dates and everything matched perfectly. So I am certain he is the father.

As to why it didn't occur to me to try to find him, well I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind. I was recently bereaved, and them unexpectedly pregnant. I am not surprised I couldn't think clearly. I hoped for a long time he would contact me - as after all he had my number.

I know who he is in one sense, I just don't know his surname, or address, or anything that would help find him.

OP posts:
WaitMonkey · 31/08/2013 21:45

How many children do you have with him, you write dc ? Have they asked ? I don't know what I would have done. But I agree it would have been near impossible to find him with such little information. Hope your ok, with all this being brought up.

Snailonthewhale · 31/08/2013 21:48

What could you have done though? Apart from, like your 'friend' said, drag your pregnant arse around smokey pubs on the off chance of finding him! Bit of a long shot, if you ask me. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, please don't feel bad.

Snailonthewhale · 31/08/2013 21:49

I think the op has just refrained from revealing the gender of her child by referring to him/her as dc and they, but it is just one.

Praying4Beatrice · 31/08/2013 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 21:55

It is just one child. I am a regular poster but have namechanged, because I got judged enough all those years ago for having a baby by a ONS. Hence why using DC, to try and avoid being recognised.

OP posts:
Liara · 31/08/2013 21:59

I have a friend who does not know who her bio mother is, and cannot find out.

I'm afraid it has consumed her over the years. She would very, very much like to find out who she is. She could have a dozen siblings, for all she knows. It is a huge gap in her life.

Sorry to have to say this, but I think it would be better for your dc if you could find out who their father was.

pianodoodle · 31/08/2013 22:04

Have you done any Internet searches based on what info you have? It might not be much but if he hasn't moved far and has the same type of job it might be worth a try. Some people frequent the same pubs for years and landlords recognise or remember them.

Maybe you could try a search before your DC asks to try and get in touch (if he/she ever does want to) and then you'll have had a head start on looking or might even have some info to give them.

Original poster
ohonesevenone · 31/08/2013 22:06

I do understand my DC may benefit from knowing their father, but honestly how could I find him now?

OP posts:
AcaciaRoad · 31/08/2013 22:12

I agree you've done nothing wrong, but in your shoes I would try to track him down now.

It could take a long time to find him, given the small number of clues you have, but not impossible I'd say, now we have the internet.

Do you know the name of the company he worked for?

Would you be happy to share the industry he worked in here? Perhaps we can help with tips for how to find people in that industry.

Swipe left for the next trending thread