for not trying to find my DC's father?

[ohonesevenone]

Brief background:

Some years ago, I was in a bad way emotionally. I fell into a party lifestyle of late nights, drinking and sleeping around. I had lost my family and was incredibly lonely. All I really wanted was someone to hold my hand at night while I slept. But the only way I could find that was with a series of one-night stands :(

One night I went out and met a particularly gorgeous bloke. He came back to mine, we had sex. He stayed for ages the next day, only leaving because I had to go out as I'd arranged to meet friends. He asked for my number, I gave him my business card

I never heard from him again.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My DC is now a teenager, and knows only their dad has never been in the picture.

Only my oldest and closest friends know about this. I was talking to one of them today about various things, and I mentioned DC's dad. My friend asked did I not think I should have tried to find him at some point since I found out I was pregnant for DC's sake?

I've always told myself it was for the best we weren't in contact. But now I wonder if I've been wrong all these years? I knew only his first name, occupation, age, and the area of London where he lived. I didn't think it would have been possible, plus this all occurred some years before I or anyone I knew had internet access.

A few years ago, when lots of people were using Friends Reunited, I did look on the local school to where he lived on there for his year. There were several men with the same first name but none seemed to be him.

I doubt I could trace him by job, if he had an unusual occupation maybe, but he worked in the building trade..

I didn't know the company name, I seem to remember it was a one man band type thing, basically him and the guy he worked for.

The most distinctive thing I can remember about him is that he had a tattoo at the top of his thigh, but short of going into all the local pubs and asking every man in their early 40s to drop their trousers, I expect that won't get me too far!

I think maybe you can search by school on Facebook now?

Long shot but have you tried googling his name and possible school name?

Did you get the impression he went to the nightclub a lot? Might be worth googling that too. My local nightclub from my teenage years has long since closed down, but it now has an active Facebook page and they have reunion nights occasionally.

Do you remember what the tattoo was of? A very long shot indeed, but worth trying googling his name and the tattoo e.g. "Mike dragon tattoo thigh" or something, just in case one of his friends is talking to him about it on social media. Very long shot, but couldn't hurt to check just in case.

(Really hope he's not called Mike with dragon tattoo in RL, don't want to freak you out!)

Was he a general labourer or did he have a specific trade e.g. plumber? Probably more likely to still be doing it if he had a trade I imagine, maybe worth looking at plumbers in that area.

Sorry, I know I'm kind of assuming that you do want to look for him. If you'd rather not have lots of random suggestions let me know and I'll shut up!

at the idea of "going into all the local pubs and asking every man in their early 40s to drop their trousers"

He was actually a painter and decorator, so not exactly a trade. He might still be doing it but I suspect he might've drifted into something else by now.

The tattoo was fairly distinctive, it was a playing card. I've just tried googling his name with it (good idea) but no joy.

His first name's not an unusual one which doesn't help!

Here's an article on tracking people down online.

Did you know there are specific search engines for finding people? I didn't before now.

The tips on using search filters on Facebook in this article might be useful.

I can sympathise with how you are feeling. My children have zero contact with their father either (I tried to get in touch once for my older daughter's sake. He raped me and I ended up with younger daughter. I never have and never will try again.)

I don't think YABU. It's not ideal to only have one parent figure but, for many, not having the other parent is better than having a bad or disinterested one.

I just tell my children that their wasn't a nice person. My 10 year old will probably want more information soon but I haven't decided how much I will tell her.

I think your friend is being unfair. He doesn't know there is a child. I fail to see how him continuing to not know can possibly hurt him. You have no means of finding him. Even then you had little chance of finding him. I would stop discussing it with your so called friend.

Have you considered the potential impact this might have on him if you were to find him.
Any current partner and children suddenly finding out there is another child.
Just speaking from a little bit of experience my sister's ex husband had fathered a child following a one night stand years previously long before they had even met..he was student at the time..she was older..he had no idea there had been a child.
Fast forward twenty years and his daughter contacts him...absolute carnage..the daughter had a lot of problems..her mother also caused huge issues.
My sis and her partner eventually separated and their three children were devastated.
The girls mum had encouraged her to try and find her 'dad' so he could know he had a daughter.
They are no longer in touch by the way.
Just a bit of caution ...each to their own but it can go wrong.