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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

never to let dh be in charge of hosting again?

54 replies

autumn51 · 31/08/2013 16:39

So a few days ago dh announced that as they were visiting friends in the area, his parents would drop in today.

So for the past few days I've asked him about a card and present for mils forthcoming birthday, as well as lunch plans for their visit (are we eating in, going out etc). I even suggested gifts, restaurants etc but he assured me it was all in hand.

Last night he still assured me it was all in hand. This morning though, when I checked again, he had no gift or present, so I had to get something in a hurry so as not to be rude, I had an hour to rush out and buy something. Pil arrived and we all chatted, played with dc etc. As lunchtime approached it came clear dh had no plans and asked his parents what they'd like to do. As the guests, they were embarrassed that he'd offered no suggestion of a restaurant or food at our house, I was cringing but busy looking after dc, then I heard mil suggest she'd go out and get sandwiches. At this point I intervened and suggested dh go out and get sandwiches as they were the guests (I also reminded dh to get cakes etc). Dh returned with bread! Not sandwiches. Then he said he didn't want tomake the sandwiches as he doesn't like handling egg! So mil took over and made them, I tried to help but she didn't want me to as I was busy with dc.

Am I missing something or should a grown man be able to organise lunch for his guests, without resorting to expecting them to make their own sandwiches? pil were very embarrassed as was I. aibu to not let him organise again, so I'll have a home cooked lunch ready or a restaurant booked?

OP posts:

JaneFonda · 31/08/2013 16:43

YAB a bit U - it seems strange to me that your PILs were 'embarrassed' by it.

If they're his parents, surely you'e all close enough that it doesn't matter that no one had booked a table for lunch, or spent hours making something? Making some sandwiches is fine!

Do you have a very formal relationship with them?

theoriginalandbestrookie · 31/08/2013 16:44

YANBU how mortifying for you.

Original poster

autumn51 · 31/08/2013 16:46

Jane - it is fairly formal, we only see them every few months, when we visit them they either make food or take us out. They make an effort, he didn't.

OP posts:

Jan49 · 31/08/2013 16:49

It all sounds unnecessarily formal - DH "hosting" his parents and his parents being embarrassed that he hadn't organised food. Making sandwiches is no big deal whether it's him or his parents doing it. I'd have expected him to buy bread and ingredients if necessary, not shop-made sandwiches, as you were all at home and could make sandwiches.

HorryIsUpduffed · 31/08/2013 16:51

If that's what they're like, he will know that. I suspect your reminders made him more determined not to bother, however.

My DH is like that. He thinks his parents won't care if our house isn't magazine-photoshoot tidy when they visit, or if there isn't enough coffee or wine. They shouldn't, but they do. I've given up on getting him to be ready for them and do it all myself regardless of what he says he's doing.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 16:52

He could have done better. I'm surprised he thought this was ok. Maybe he was out of his depth, difficult to imagine but hey ho.

To rectify for next time have a Buffet Shopping List. Quiche, salad, cold meats etc. I presume he could put these things onto serving plates and set the table?

Get him a cook book and ask him to cook at least once a week. This man needs to learn his way around a kitchen!

CoalDustWoman · 31/08/2013 17:01

He sounds like he needs more practice. Maybe his parents could have a hand in finishing the job they started years ago i.e. raising a child to be a functioning adult.

BackforGood · 31/08/2013 17:04

Depends a bit - do you normally share the cooking and shopping or do you normally do it ? If you share it, then it seems odd he can't manage on the weekend his parents are there, as you made it clear it was his turn. If he normally doesn't do any of it, then it seems odd that you would expect him to do it specifically because his parents were there.

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2013 17:07

He sounds like he doesn't really give a shit.

I hope you didn't include his name on the card and gift that he couldn't be bothered to buy.

dopeysheep · 31/08/2013 17:07

He sounds lazy tbh, not 'out of his.depth'. How hard is it to sort a lunch?
He thought someone else would organise it which they did.

themaltesefalcon · 31/08/2013 17:11

"Hosting" your own parents?

Now I've read everything.

BlueStones · 31/08/2013 17:12

Formal or not, it"s rude not to have any lunch prepared or planned IMO. Sounds like a case of pretend helplessness to me ...

Chottie · 31/08/2013 17:12

Actually, I agree with OP. It does not seem very welcoming not to have food in the house when someone visits for a meal. Did he think the lunch fairy would drop in?

BlueStones · 31/08/2013 17:13

Sorry, meant pretend helplessness on his part, OP. I'd be annoyed too.

Yama · 31/08/2013 17:15

If I don't want to do something I do it very badly so that someone else takes over.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 17:15

I'm afraid you do host your own parents, they are guests in your house. This is especially true if you do not see them very often. We do the whole B&B bit, with lunch thrown in, as they don't live locally. They do the same for us when we visit.

everlong · 31/08/2013 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 31/08/2013 17:19

He sounds absolutely useless! I would have been furious if that were my dh (coming home with no bread, not wanting to make the sandwiches - wtaf? - letting his mum take over). Is he always this hopeless?

BoffinMum · 31/08/2013 17:19

He needs to grow up. How lazy, to cop out of making the sandwiches and expect his mum to step in!

WhoNickedMyName · 31/08/2013 17:23

He's a lazy fucker - and probably far too used to his mum and you stepping in to cover for him in situations like this.

I too am hoping you didn't put his name on the card and gift that you bought for his parent.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 31/08/2013 17:24

If your parents are visiting fom far (ie they don't pop in on a weekly basis) then you host them! Mine are not in the least formal but I would always make sure there was a nice meal ready if they were visiting. It's not weirdly formal, it's just being normal.

StuntGirl · 31/08/2013 17:25

Lolling at the concept that he can't make sandwiches. Of course he can.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 31/08/2013 17:29

That sounds really lazy of him.

I think the 'hosting' is a red herring TBH. Some of us are formal; some of us are not. So what? Obviously this is quite a formal relationship given both the OP and her parents evidently expected there to be plans in place.

In any case, coming back with bread on its own is taking the piss.

I think you need to tell him why this bothered you, not just say 'why did you come back with just bread, and why didn't you sign MIL's card', but to actually explain it all.

It sounds as if he expected that what it meant for him to 'be in charge', was for him to do whatever he was delegated to do. So you kept reminding him of things, and when finally you and your PIL ended up with an actual decision (to get sandwitches), he went and got bread.

He didn't do any of the organizing and obviously thinks that this happens by magic.

5Foot5 · 31/08/2013 17:29

So - when the PILs had gone did you tell your DH what a useless fucker you thought he was and ask him what the hell he thought he was, or wasn't doing. What did he say?

sameoldIggi · 31/08/2013 17:33

The least you do if someone's coming round is make sure you have some biscuits/cake in the house. If they are coming over lunch you make sure you've something in they can eat. Having said this, when oil come they bring their own lunch with them!
Your dh sounds lazy and worse, for making you fill in the gaps.

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