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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

never to let dh be in charge of hosting again?

54 replies

autumn51 · 31/08/2013 16:39

So a few days ago dh announced that as they were visiting friends in the area, his parents would drop in today.

So for the past few days I've asked him about a card and present for mils forthcoming birthday, as well as lunch plans for their visit (are we eating in, going out etc). I even suggested gifts, restaurants etc but he assured me it was all in hand.

Last night he still assured me it was all in hand. This morning though, when I checked again, he had no gift or present, so I had to get something in a hurry so as not to be rude, I had an hour to rush out and buy something. Pil arrived and we all chatted, played with dc etc. As lunchtime approached it came clear dh had no plans and asked his parents what they'd like to do. As the guests, they were embarrassed that he'd offered no suggestion of a restaurant or food at our house, I was cringing but busy looking after dc, then I heard mil suggest she'd go out and get sandwiches. At this point I intervened and suggested dh go out and get sandwiches as they were the guests (I also reminded dh to get cakes etc). Dh returned with bread! Not sandwiches. Then he said he didn't want tomake the sandwiches as he doesn't like handling egg! So mil took over and made them, I tried to help but she didn't want me to as I was busy with dc.

Am I missing something or should a grown man be able to organise lunch for his guests, without resorting to expecting them to make their own sandwiches? pil were very embarrassed as was I. aibu to not let him organise again, so I'll have a home cooked lunch ready or a restaurant booked?

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 31/08/2013 17:33

I think he knew exactly what was expected of him, he just couldn't be arsed.

Need a gift for the parent? I can't be arsed but its ok because the mrs will sort it out - AND SHE DID!

Need to make arrangements for lunch - I can't be arsed so when really pushed, I'll do the bare minimum, have a bit of a whinge and my mum'll sort it out - AND SHE DID!

He's got it well sussed

magicstars · 31/08/2013 17:50

This was really, unacceptably rubbish behaviour from him. I don't blame you for being hacked off. Hopefully he's learnt & will get his act together next time.

xalyssx · 31/08/2013 18:04

At least it wasn't pombears

Optimist1 · 31/08/2013 18:09

Lazy git. YANBU!

Optimist1 · 31/08/2013 18:11

But in answer to your question, beware of never letting him be in charge of hosting again because then it becomes one of your official duties, and over the years these can mount up!

Taz1212 · 31/08/2013 18:11

YA absolutely NBU! DH is exactly the same. My birthday frequently passes him by so last year I specifically told DC what I would like and to get daddy to sort it. So they dutifully tell DH that my birthday is coming up and they know exactly what I would like. The day of my birthay a sheepish DH admits that the night before DC asked him when they were going shopping for my presents. He had assumed that when they told him they knew what I wanted that it was all in hand and he didn't need to do anything. They were 7 and 10 years old FFS! Who he think was sorting the presents- the present fairy?!?

So no, YANBU but sadly I have no advice!

Original poster

autumn51 · 31/08/2013 18:13

He knows I'm annoyed as I apologised when pil were here and said I'd sort the lunch next time. I think it's polite to have lunch planned when people visit and it will cover a lunchtime.

I did sign his name in the card as I felt sorry for mil, they aren't close relationship wise but she'd done nothing to deserve no card/present. I told her dh chose her presents too so she'd feel happy he'd remembered. At Christmas if he doesn't bother I'll let it be more known that I chose the presents and card.

I'll be letting him know how rude he was tonight after dc have gone to bed...

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 31/08/2013 18:16

He is unbelievably rude. I would have been livid with him and mortified in front of the guests.

The hosting discussion upthread is strange - doesn't matter who it is, guests in your house should be fed or planned for.

kickassangel · 31/08/2013 18:17

YABU

Put him in good host boot camp.

Invite people over at least once a week. Everyday if possible. As the door bell rings head out the back, calling out cheerily, "dh has a meal ready for you". Leave the kids there.

Once he's got the hang of basic hospitality, move on to advanced stuff where a tidy house, presents, cooked meal, flowers etc are expected.

Eventually he may even be able to care for his kids, remember his mother's birthday and provide a decent meal, including shopping for food beforehand.

That should be the minimum to expect.

heidihole · 31/08/2013 18:21

YANBU. If these were any other guests i'd be really angry as it would reflect badly on you too.

However as they are his parents I wouldn't give a toss. Up to him. You surely dont have to "host" your own parents?

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 18:22

Your approach to this is all sorts of wrong.

You have become his mother.

Doing tasks he won't do and then giving him the credit for it.

Agreeing publicly to take all this on in future because he won't do it.

He must be rubbing his hands together in glee. Win-win for him here.

aldiwhore · 31/08/2013 18:28

I am not sure if YABU or if YANBU. I suspect a bit of both, BUT I am judging by my standards and my routines, so I may be U whatever I say.

Basically, if it's MY parents, I dictate the way a visit will go.

If it's DH's, he sets the theme of the day...

That's how we did it when they were around. If he forgot the lunch, I would be very vocal that it was HIS day not mine and he set the tone. If he caused offense, he'd get the blame and carry the repercussions. We were very honest.

I did take over the role of 'host' once (I hate that word when it comes to family I'm afraid, we're family... they are not guests, we are not hosts) and MY parents would have had a lovely time but DH's felt awkward.

I think YABU by inflicting your standards on your DH. Your DH IBU for not returning the treatment he gets when you visit his parents.

Make it clear perhaps that you would have done it differently, acknowledge that your DH's 'son' skills are lacking, and well, don't get cross, secretly blame them for not bringing him up better?

teenagetantrums · 31/08/2013 18:55

His parents, I would have just sat back and waited for him to sort out lunch and his mums birthday, especially as he told you he had it all sorted, its not like he asked you for help.

Doubtfuldaphne · 31/08/2013 19:00

My dh is very formal with his family and when mil visits its like the queen is coming. He always always organises food for her.
So yes op's post seems a little formal but not all families are the same.
He really should've sorted something out and he shouldn't rely on you to do this kind of stuff. Have a very strong word.

Jan49 · 31/08/2013 19:12

I can imagine my ex doing this. The trouble is, he wouldn't see what the problem was. They needed lunch so he went out and bought some bread. He wouldn't accept that you had to plan or prepare food in advance.

But I agree that if you do it because he hasn't, he'll just let you get on with it. It's his parents so I think you should make it clear in front of them that he was in charge and if he hasn't bought food, it's his mistake.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 31/08/2013 19:17

YABU

Your DH should be making every single meal for the next god knows how long.

So this pathetic 'child' is still letting mummy make his sandwiches for him. I would be telling him just how unattractive this level of childish behaviour is.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 31/08/2013 19:21

YABU to take over because he fucked up- that's just giving him what he wants!

He decides he can't be arsed and expects you to sort it, if you do then it's win/win for him isn't it? Just tell him to grow up and stop being so useless and that you will not bail him out everytime he acts like an incompetent child

Filofax · 31/08/2013 19:43

YANBU. Get him to explain how or what he had 'in hand'. Embarrassing for you and PIL, and not very welcoming.

HazleNutt · 31/08/2013 20:59

why were you embarrassed that he didn't sort out the lunch and presents? He's not 5, it's not your responsibility.

FredFredGeorge · 31/08/2013 21:38

YABU Why are you interfering in your DH's relationship with his parent (buying cards and signing his name, by all means give her one from yourself, just don't pretend it came from him) Except of course it wasn't her b'day on the day, so it wasn't even necessary to do that.

I would be absolutely livid if my DP did that. Equally "sending him out" when they'd already agreed what to do for lunch is just pointless interfering.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 31/08/2013 21:43

We recently visited DH's bachelor type friend for the weekend. This was planned for months. We had to bring our own air bed and bedding ( fair enough). But then he hasn't bought in any food, juice or booze. Had made no plans either for the entire weekend. Couldn't even suggest anything to do.

He had important life changing type paperwork for me to sign that weekend but had not even printed it so had to drive to work and back to print it. He did this as we were trying to leave for a lengthy drive home. He only did this because DH told him to.

All this type if behaviour is really, I think, down to poor expectations of men. If they are never expected to organise themselves why would they? Fucks me right off.

pianodoodle · 31/08/2013 21:54

I'd have been embarrassed if the guests had been anyone but his own parents. In this situation they should be more embarrassed than you - they raised someone who can't make a sandwich

ZenNudist · 31/08/2013 23:11

YANBU to be annoyed at him. YWBU to let this 'embarrass' you into doing everything because your dh 'can't'. If he wants to be useless with his friends & parents let him. The alternative would be you doing it all. Then he will never learn.

If it were me I'd probably have made sure we had if not a table reservation then at least a plan to go out to a place that doesn't need one.

Sounds like your MIL is used to taking over. It's no coincidence that you'd dh is incapable. He needs to be able to sort out at least being able to make a sarnie for a guest without getting his dw or dm to help.

GingerBlondecat · 01/09/2013 03:22

he lied to you.

he said he had the present covered.

he lied

Seaweedy · 01/09/2013 08:30

OP, what WhoKnicked and FrancescaBell said. You are enabling his disorganisation/carelessness/assumption wifey will step up to bat. STOP. Let him pick up the pieces himself. Or take the consequences.

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