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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here?

57 replies

ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 14:48

Just had a big bust up with DP. Am pregnant and hormonal and nesting like mad. It was about shelves.

In our hallway are two really, really ugly bits of furniture that are used as a shoe rack and general place to put post, etc. I hate them. They take up loads of space and look really untidy. They're a hangover from when DP lived on his own.

I found a really nice shoe rack in Ikea that will take up half the space and look much nicer and tidier. Leaving extra space in the hallway for the pram when baby arrives. So I bought it.

DP is refusing to put it up. Saying that he doesn't want to get rid of the ugly things as they work perfectly well.

I've just thrown a hormonal fit. During which i dragged up the fact that he expects me to use the same pram that his ex used when they had his DD. And the cot too. Because he bought them and they're 'his' so I shouldn't mind. I feel like nothing here is mine. It's all hand me downs from his previous life with his ex.

I hate his flat tbh. He bought it when he was with his ex because its really near where her parents live. But it's a shit area and I don't know what he was thinking really.

So it's a rubbish flat in a shit area and I have no say about it that at all. But I figure at least it doesn't have to have ugly furniture inside it that takes up loads of space. I don't understand why he doesn't want to make it nicer.

He thinks I'm BU to want to 'fix something that's not broken' and to buy things for the flat without consulting him first.

It doesn't help that he doesn't have very good taste to begin with. It's very studenty. It was a real battle to change the hideous curtains in the living room.

Sorry, this is a bit all over the place but im still upset. I just want the place to be nice before the baby comes. AIbU?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 31/08/2013 14:50

He sounds very immature.

Time to sit down, when you're both calm, and tell him the above.

NumTumDeDum · 31/08/2013 14:51

I would say no your're not. Yes both of you have over reacted but you are nesting and that is a very strong urge and he has over reacted because he doesn't understand why it's so important. It's not really about the shelves is it. It's about whether it's your home too. You need to talk.

Original poster
ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 14:57

He just keeps saying 'its not a show home' and that i'm underestimating how messy it's going to be with a baby and five year old DSd here half the time.

I don't expect it to be a show home, but I really don't think that two kids living here means it necessarily has to be a complete shithole. Which is what he's just shrugging his shoulders over. Like 'oh well, it's going to be a dump isn't it? Don't worry about it'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 14:59

He makes me feel like I'm BU for wanting it tidy and looking nice. Like I'm really uptight and middle class or something.

I just want to be able to have people over without feeling self conscious about how the place looks.

OP posts:
redexpat · 31/08/2013 15:04

NumTum took the words right out of my mouth! It's your home too, it should feel like it.

redexpat · 31/08/2013 15:07

Having a home with furniture that is both functional and stylish is not the crime of the century is it! I think he must be of the if it ain broke don't fix it mentality, but if that's the case you usually just have to point out how what YOU would like would function better.

We've just redecorated and I moved in 6 years ago. It is only now that it feels like MY home too, instead of just moving into HIS house.

thebody · 31/08/2013 15:07

oh dear chik, you arnt being unreasonable at all.

why is his ex his ex?

Original poster
ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 15:27

His ex is an ex because she had an affair and walked out on him.

She had appalling taste too (still does).

OP posts:
Dackyduddles · 31/08/2013 15:34

It's either your home or its not. You can either buy bits for home or you can't.

If you can't, it isn't. Hugs x

serendippity · 31/08/2013 15:36

He expects you to not mind using the things his ex used before you?? no, no, no. I take it this is your 1st? it is a very special time and, yes, totaly when you should nesting and making things your own. You need to talk to him seriously and calmly and explain how you really feel you need to out your own stamp on the place.
Failing this, bloody well hire a handy man and get him to take ugly bits down Grin
Your baby is both yours and his, and without question the flat you live in should be too.

DeWe · 31/08/2013 15:45

Dh is a bit like this. It's just he hates waste, so he would see no point in replacing an ugly shoe rack with a nice looking one because the idea of a shoe rack is functional so the look doesn't matter.
So we have his lovely MFI desk he had as a kid (which mil generously passed onWink) with drawers broken and he won't get rid of it. I've just hidden it behind something else. Grin

I have sometimes replaced things when he isn't there. It takes him about 6 months to notice on average. However the stuff is our stuff we were given not his stuff generally.

He's also more careful with money than I am.

NumTumDeDum · 31/08/2013 16:56

How would he feel if he had moved into your home and you said he had to use your ex's things and wouldn't let him change anything? My mum had this issue with her husband, it has taken 10 years for her to feel at home in his house. She never called him on it but she should have because it was a source of frustration and upset to her that the house had been decorated by the ex wife.

I moved in with my partner but we both gave up our properties and bought together so it was totally new. But if we hadn't been able to do that he was very open to me helping him redecorate and choosing things together.

I understand money is clearly an issue with these things, it is not always possible to replace things simply because of how you feel about them, but it is at least symbolic that you want to make a life for the two of you and your children and you want to make your home reflect both of you. You have compromised on everything else, a shoe rack is a very small thing and as you say, it will make more room for the pushchair. I think you need to hold out for this, and explain very clearly why you feel this is important and make him understand that this is not simply about shelves.

CoffeeTea103 · 31/08/2013 17:03

He needs to respect that it is now your and his home. Not you living with all the ex stuff. He wouldn't like it I'm sure if it was the other way around.

He is just being lazy by saying not fix if its broken. Your home now so he should try to make you as comfortable as he can.

mrspaddy · 31/08/2013 17:10

Absolutely not on... He should cop on .. I would not want another woman's pram and cot from a previous relationship.. Home should feel like home.. Doesn't have to be expensive but little touches of your own. Ikea is hardly that extravagant of for him to cause a scene. Can you sell that place and make a fresh start. My husband moved in with me and I have gone out of my way to let know it is his home as much as mine.

We are careful with money bit both feel you need a bit of hoe comfort so spend on it... I think you are totally entitled to.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2013 17:10

i'm underestimating how messy it's going to be with a baby and five year old DSd here half the time.

Not if you have decent storage that's easy for everyone. My DiL house is beautiful even though there's three children. And they have masses of toys too.

If it's your home you have a say. If it's not your home, you don't.

Ask him which it is.

Are you on the deeds btw?

Original poster
ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 17:16

I'm glad you don't think I'm BU.

I'm not on the deeds and I don't pay anything towards the mortgage, just my share of bills. But this means nearly all my salary can go towards saving for a deposit for our own place (the savings are in my name only so they also serve a secondary purpose as a hedge fund if it all goes tits up).

But for the next year or so while we wait until we can afford to move, I don't want to be tiptoeing round the place having to ask permission to put up a fucking picture.

And his stuff is ugly. He gets all affronted like I'm attacking him personally. But I'm sorry, it is.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 31/08/2013 17:26

Hang on.

This does not sound equal at the moment.

You aren't on the deeds or pay mortgage = you have no claim for if you split up. But you are solely saving for a deposit for a new place?

No to using his exes cot and pram. That is just mean to make you do that and spoil your first experience of motherhood. I would go out tomorrow and buy new.

CharityFunDay · 31/08/2013 17:50

I think you ABratherU about the shoe rack. You didn't consult him, but expected him to fall in lines with your plans for his own furniture (OK, you share, but he still owns it). Sounds like a breakdown of communication, at least to start with.

As for the ex's baby things, YANBU.

HollaAtMeBaby · 31/08/2013 17:54

Put the old shoe racks on freecycle and have them picked up when he's at work. As for the cot and pram... doesn't the ex mind? Totally weird.

QueenArseClangers · 31/08/2013 18:08

When I moved in with DH to the house he shared with his ex (rubbish taste, total bitch and a face like a foot) it took me a while but eventually we replaced everything they'd/she'd got together.
You can't live in the shadow of his ex and each bit of crap is a reminder of his relationship with her.
Be proactive and take the shoe/shite rack down, as another poster put it: would he like it if it was stuff you'd bought with your ex?

Suzieismyname · 31/08/2013 18:17

Yanbu about the shoerack. Yabu about reusing the pram and cot. But do get a new mattress for it.

DrDance · 31/08/2013 18:20

I can see both sides sort off.

But this needs a good long talk with your partner about who's house it is?

It sounds like he still thinks it's his. how long have you lived with him in 'his' house and have you discussed being put on the deeds now you are a family unit?

It doesn't sound like this is actually about a shoe rack or ugly furniture but more that he has opened his door and let you in but hasn't actually let you fully into his home, as he is still viewing it as his home and not jointly the home you share together.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:25

I would say to him that as he clearly doesnt consider the place to be as much your home as his, that you are using some of your savings to rent your own place and he can visit you and the baby there.

Then watch him get friction burns as he back pedals.

AllOutOfIdeas · 31/08/2013 18:28

Yanbu. If he doesn't care about how things look and you do, why is he complaining? If he wants you there and it to be a family home for you all then you should be able to change things, make it feel like your home too.

You are not a lodger, but his partner.

As for the baby things, I would be on kiddiecare.com doing a massive shop.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/08/2013 18:41

I suppose in his mind he is being rather pragmatic about this. The shoe rack/pram/cot all do the job and I presume are fit for purpose, so if it ain't broke don't fix it.

However there is nothing wrong with wanting your home to look nice, for example when my husband and I moved into the house we're in now, we wallpapered a feature wall above the fireplace. I hated it. He didn't mind it. We talked and talked about whether to change it. He didn't want to. So finally whilst he was at work, I stripped it off and wallpapered so it matched the rest of the walls. He now says it looks nice. I'm happy, he's happy.

Would he be the type of person to be really pissed off if you just got rid of the old shoe rack and built the new one yourself?

Same goes for pushchair and cot. Why not just say. "I'd rather not use your exes pram, I'd much prefer to have one I've chose for myself, look here's one at X for a reasonable price"
How he chooses to respond is a good indicator of whether he's just trying to save money/take the easy route etc or if he just thinks 'stuff you, these are mine and you'll just have to get used to it'.