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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong here?

57 replies

ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 14:48

Just had a big bust up with DP. Am pregnant and hormonal and nesting like mad. It was about shelves.

In our hallway are two really, really ugly bits of furniture that are used as a shoe rack and general place to put post, etc. I hate them. They take up loads of space and look really untidy. They're a hangover from when DP lived on his own.

I found a really nice shoe rack in Ikea that will take up half the space and look much nicer and tidier. Leaving extra space in the hallway for the pram when baby arrives. So I bought it.

DP is refusing to put it up. Saying that he doesn't want to get rid of the ugly things as they work perfectly well.

I've just thrown a hormonal fit. During which i dragged up the fact that he expects me to use the same pram that his ex used when they had his DD. And the cot too. Because he bought them and they're 'his' so I shouldn't mind. I feel like nothing here is mine. It's all hand me downs from his previous life with his ex.

I hate his flat tbh. He bought it when he was with his ex because its really near where her parents live. But it's a shit area and I don't know what he was thinking really.

So it's a rubbish flat in a shit area and I have no say about it that at all. But I figure at least it doesn't have to have ugly furniture inside it that takes up loads of space. I don't understand why he doesn't want to make it nicer.

He thinks I'm BU to want to 'fix something that's not broken' and to buy things for the flat without consulting him first.

It doesn't help that he doesn't have very good taste to begin with. It's very studenty. It was a real battle to change the hideous curtains in the living room.

Sorry, this is a bit all over the place but im still upset. I just want the place to be nice before the baby comes. AIbU?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 18:47

I would say your partner was as tight as a gnat's arse

No woman on earth would be happy to use a crib/pram that was a hand me down from a previous baby from a previous relationship. Surely he can see this ? Does he care ?

I would rather buy second hand from a shop than use that stuff if money is a problem

pianodoodle · 31/08/2013 18:48

YANBU

My mum has just remarried after being divorced for ten years and the home she lives in now has been her DH's (a widower) since his children were tiny.

When we visit it's clear it is very much mum's home now too and they both do decorating together and buy any new rugs etc... as a couple.

It would be awful not to feel your home is your own and your partner shouldn't make you feel like that.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2013 18:53

I think YABU, given that you are moving into a new home on a year or so's time - much better to get all new stuff then. As to the pram, I liked using mine for all 3 children & if dsd is there half the time it will be nice to use the same pram for her sibling. However, if you were staying there for good I would think you were not being unreasonable to want to change things.

Suzieismyname · 31/08/2013 18:58

What state are the cot and pram in? Buying new ones could cost £500-1000 that could be put towards a new place.
If they are in poor condition I really don't see what the problem is. How many parents don't have any choife in getting everything second hand ...

Original poster

ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 18:58

He's just being tight. And pragmatic.

He sees the pram and baby stuff as his, as he bought his ex's half off her when they split. He thinks I'm being emotional about it and buying new stuff would be a waste of money.

His mum sank all her savings into helping him buy the pace so he wants to protect her money by not putting me on the deeds. Fair enough. Means I don't have to pay any mortgage and I keep all our savings if we split.

OP posts:

Suzieismyname · 31/08/2013 18:59

I meant good not poor condition. ..

Original poster

ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 19:00

Pram and car seat, etc are in good condition. I just feel really icky about using them.

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/08/2013 19:07

Suzie, you don't have to spend £500 - £1000 on a pram!

Depending on what sort you want you can get one from Mothercare (boo hiss ) for under £300!

OP I'm all for a nice healthy dose of realism when you enter a new relationship/move in with someone but maybe you're both going too far with the idea that 'you might split up', so far as to be driving a wedge between you both? Yes he wants to protect his mother's money and you have your savings but it's very dividing isn't it? I mean, come on! You're having a baby together, why not have your name put on the deeds?

AgentZigzag · 31/08/2013 19:09

He's right about the cash if you use some of the stuff already there (and I agree it's his stuff on his own rather his ex's), it seems a very expensive way of making you feel more settled.

I think NumTum's right too, it's a cheaper way of coming to a compromise. If you could say you'd use some of the gear he's got (just make get him to give it a good scrub first) if he'll try to understand what the fugly furniture means to you and how changing it might change how you feel.

How many weeks are you? Is this your first baby? (sorry if I missed you saying them )

onedev · 31/08/2013 19:11

Excel that doesn't sound good at all. It should feel like your home too & you really should be in a position to choose your own pram, especially for your first as that's usually a very special time for a couple (choosing pram etc) - sorry you're missing out on this.

Whose name are the savings in? You should be in a joint relationship & be equals in everything (& for me that would definitely include my name on the deeds of the house).

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 19:16

If he wont put your name on the deeds then you can spend your savings on what you like, including new baby stuff.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 19:18

I think he is being a complete arse about the shoe rack/hidious stuff in
the hallway.

...and at first I did think 'He wants you to use the buggy & cot he had with his ex & their baby - tell him to Fuck Off' but actually, if you like their DD, your DSD, and you like the pram/cot then I would as it would be nice for her to see you using them, but if they aren't to your taste, just go and buy new ones and tell him to put the others in the loft for when he needs them when you move out as spares.

However, you have bigger fish to fry here. When are you due? and of course you don't have to answer, but how long have you been together and was your pregnancy planned?

He doesn't see you as his partner - he sees you as his gf that is pregnant and if she doesn't like his house and his furniture and his rules she can just fuck off and that is NO WAY to live.

You have been very sensible keeping the savings in your name - I would talk to him about how his attitude makes you feel and mentally give him a very short space of time to prove he's not a complete twat and then I would reconsider the whole relationship and almost certainly be using the savings to rent somewhere for me and the baby and buy what I like, when I like for my HOME.

Alisvolatpropiis · 31/08/2013 19:21

I don't see why he can't just do it? It's not a massive deal to him is it? He's just being lazy.

Original poster

ExcelSpreadsheet · 31/08/2013 19:21

I'm 22 weeks and it's my first baby.

I've always been happy with the deeds arrangement. His mum's got a big stake in the place and having me on the deeds would dilute her share when it came to sell/if DP died, etc.

When we buy our new place it'll be 50:50 as you'd expect.

OP posts:

Suzieismyname · 31/08/2013 19:25

I meant £500-1000 for pram and cot.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 19:27

Well I would suggest that before you buy a new place, get married. It gives you much more protection for a start.

But I wouldnt be buying a new place with him tbh....

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2013 19:30

If Dh and I split up, and I then went on to have a child with another man I would be hugely hurt and upset if he said the cot and pushchair I'd used for my first dc wasn't good enough for dc2. So I think that's a very dodgy attitude tbh and 'nesting' isn't an excuse.

You should feel at home in your own home but this may involve an element of negotiation - not you just buying new stuff and expecting him to chuck out the old. He should be open to negotiation but it sounds like you have very different priorities.

Blissx · 31/08/2013 19:31

Can I just say, OP- best first sentence to an AIBU i've ever read!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 19:31

It is a massive deal to him because she didn't ask and it's his house because he doesn't want to 'share' he wants to control and none of this is boding well for a happy future together. Any decent bloke would have said 'let's buy somewhere together that is 'ours'' and if that was totally unaffordable just now, would have bent over backwards to get rid of stuff, redecorate, accomodate the new partners taste & things - not act the way this twat is.

Frankly, I wouldn't be with him (but I'm old and have been there done that with useless men and thankfully learnt from it eventually) but if you aren't ready to leave him yet, then talk to him, tell him how his behaviour makes you feel & in your own mind give him one month to prove he's not a total twat.

Twat or not in other ways, I totally understand where he is coming from with the deeds and have no problem at all with what he is doing as long as you retain the savings and you split the bills. Seems perfectly fine to me.

Fakebook · 31/08/2013 19:32

Ffs. Can't you put up a shoe rack yourself? Just get your screwdrivers out and build it and advertise the ugly shoe racks on gumtree for a tenner or something and give him the money. What's the worse he'd do if you went against his wishes?

AgentZigzag · 31/08/2013 19:34

Can't he see that 'not letting' you change it is him saying this is my house, not yours.

If I wanted to change anything here, I'd ask DH what he thought, but he'd never forbid me Victorian style.

That's because it's my home too, and it might not technically be your flat, but it is your home as much as it's his.

Him pulling rank would just make me dig my heels in more (not that I'm suggesting you should) because I would see it as underhand tactics to 'win'/point score/keep control, and that's totally wrong.

Catmint · 31/08/2013 19:37

He says you are being emotional about it.

Yes! You are, because it is an emotional thing!

However, if he objects to emotion in these circumstances, could you go for the logical argument? Have a proper look at the pram and cot. Then go online and check resale values and negative reviews. Will the pram be right for you? Too heavy? Doesn't fit in the car boot? You need information to make your case.

Can you customise the cot so that you feel happy that you have made it personal to you and your baby? ( or is it too fugly? )

By the way, as he has played the 'emotional' card, I wonder why your logic and pragmatic decision making about the shoe rack/ pram / hall has been swept aside.

BackforGood · 31/08/2013 19:43

I can see both sides too. If you are saving up to buy a new place together, I cannot see the point in making impulse buys of furniture for a place you are going to leave in the coming months. Doesn't make sense. Equally, I can't see that it makes sense to spend several hundred £ on a new pram and a new cot when you already have the ones your baby's half sister used.
I do think everyone ought to be able to feel their home is their home, but you say this is a temporary arrangement while you are saving all your money to buy somewhere together. If you move into an already established home with anyone, then it's bound to feel more 'their home' than yours.

MumOfTheMoos · 31/08/2013 20:15

Ok, re the deeds thing - he can protect his Mum's money by taking out a trust that marks out what part she owns. If he sees it as his and in fact his Mums money was a gift to him then tough, you need to be on the deeds to. It's really important that you contribute to the mortgage and don't just pay the bills or do the savings because the house is the most valuable asset with the best financial return the savings are not as valuable.

Frankly if I was having a baby with someone and they weren't prepared to split things evenly with me then I would have concerns about their commitment.

The courts don't help women who are not married and living in a home that is not legally theirs unless you are actually contributing to the mortgage - go to the citizens advice bureau and they'll tell you what you can do. You are in a very vulnerable position as you have no legal rights to live in your own home at the moment.

He's being thoughtless about the pram and furniture (I second AnyFuckers thoughts on that) but he's out for himself on the house thing - much more worrying.

MumOfTheMoos · 31/08/2013 20:22

I know this is just temporary and when you buy the new house it will be 50:50 but how long is temporary - anything that is beyond you giving birth I would say it is worth getting on the deeds.

In any case, when he sells will he be giving his mum back her share? Then his mum for her financial protection needs a trust outlining her contribution.

And as its just temporary, and you're gong to be splitting things 50:50 in the future then there's no harm in starting that sharing thing now, is there?

Just to reiterate, by contributing to the bills and savings you are my getting the best financial deal and you are vulnerable - the best thing to do is get married but failing that start making sure you are contributing to the mortgage.

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