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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know we're both BU, but my DH's reply has really annoyed me

35 replies

Idontunderstandbabies · 30/08/2013 21:55

I've got a 2 yr old and 5 month twins and I have to say I'm really not enjoying it the moment. I'm finding it all so stressful and I sometimes just wish I could escape. I said to my DH tonight (in a half jokey way) that I wish I could get appendicitis and go to hospital just to get a few days away. His response was- "thanks! What about me? That'd leave me on my own with them for a week!". I know it's all hypothetical, but I'm just upset that his response was so uncaring. Or am I being even more stupid than I realise?

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 30/08/2013 21:57

Your joke was pretty uncaring too. maybe you need to start talking properly if you feel unsupported.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2013 21:58

How is that uncaring ? Confused

You expressed you didn't want to be with them, he said fucking right neither do I - he sympathised

CeliaFate · 30/08/2013 21:58

You're both under stress. Dh and I used to watch Holby City when we had non-sleeping babies and think, "Lucky bastards."

You both need a rest, that's all.

Squitten · 30/08/2013 21:59

Sounds like one of those silly conversations TBH.

I imagine you're both just shattered and stressed. Be kind!

CatAmongThePigeons · 30/08/2013 22:00

I think you're both BU as you know.

Although, does he have much experience dealing solely with the DC? Do you get much time to yourself?

squoosh · 30/08/2013 22:00

You're upset that he didn't show enough concern for your imaginary bout of appendicitis? Cheek of him. Let's hope he pulls up his socks and practises his best sad face for when you come down with imaginary bubonic plague.

Guitargirl · 30/08/2013 22:01

I remember asking DP when the DCs were aged about 2.4 and 4 months if he ever spent longer than necessary in the bathroom as it was the only precious moments of peace in a day. He looked at me like I was mad but then he went to work every day and I was still on maternity leave.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2013 22:02

YANBU to fantasise about getting out of a situation where you're struggling, but there are better ways.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to be deflated about his answer.

He just made it all about him when his answer should have been all about you.

'Oh no love, don't think like that, what can I do to help'

HA! If only eh?

Even if he'd said 'what about me?' for a way of saying how much he'd miss you if you weren't there.

But he just made it about how much extra work he'd get, he doesn't even like the thought of it but is OK with you having to live it!

thisisyesterday · 30/08/2013 22:05

aww OP you're getting a hard time here. I think I get what you mean... you wanted a bit of sympathy because it's bloody hard work and he replied with a flippant comment.

op did say in her title that she knows they are both being unreasonable, no need to flame her!

Presuming your DH works and that you do the majority of the childcare too? so his "i'd be on my own with them for a week" complaint is kind of silly... it's what you do all the time right?

Original poster
Idontunderstandbabies · 30/08/2013 22:05

Yes, I know, I know I'm being stupid. I just think if he'd said something so desperate sounding like that, I'd have asked him if he was ok. I don't know, just need a good nights rest I think!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/08/2013 22:05

When I was in an incredibly stressful situation I used to fantasise about a car knocking me off my bike so I could get out of it but without it being my fault.

To me it's an indicator that someone's at the end of their tether.

AgentZigzag · 30/08/2013 22:07

You're not being stupid.

Spell it out to him.

Tell him how far this has gone, he might just think along the same lines as squoosh and not taking it seriously.

Guitargirl · 30/08/2013 22:13

And honestly with the age that your children are, of course you are not enjoying it. I find it difficult to believe that anyone would not struggle with day-to-day stuff with a 2 year old and 5-month old twins. Just make the most of the good moments when they come along and think what a lovely little gang they will be when they are older. And rope in as much help as possible so you can have uninterrupted sleep!

thedicewoman · 30/08/2013 22:15

I totally get where you're coming from too and would also have expected him to be a bit more supportive. apart from all that, it WILL get easier, although I don't have twins,I found the first 6 months with my baby and 2.5 year old so tough and remember thinking that it just wasn't fun and wondering what on earth I'd done! he is now 11 months and it's much easier (not saying it'll take another 6 months tho!) Hope it gets easier for you very soon.

Mabelface · 30/08/2013 22:18

When my triplets were younger I did used to imagine having to go into hospital for a few days, not for anything serious, but just enough so I'd have a few days enforced rest and a break from groundhog day. I hear you.

verytellytubby · 30/08/2013 22:18

I too had a 2.5 year old and twins. I used to wish for a hospital stay to get a break. I feel your pain. It does get easier. I now have a stroppy 11 year old and mental 8 year olds but at least I get sleep and a break.

verytellytubby · 30/08/2013 22:20

The first two years of twins were the hardest of my life. I'm an incredibly happy positive person and I cried every day for 2 years. It's relentless hard work BUT it will get easier. I drank a lot of wine Wink

Original poster
Idontunderstandbabies · 30/08/2013 22:21

Thanks. I just feel a bit trapped at the monent- i guess everyone does when they are at home with very young children. I wish I could fast forward my life until they're 1- I much prefer that age!

OP posts:
Wibblypiglikesbananas · 30/08/2013 22:24

Oh bless, poor you. You sound exhausted. I'm looking forward to going into labour and giving birth to DC2 just to get a tiny break from DC1 - who I love to bits btw - but toddler logic and late pregnancy just do not mix!

I'm sure you're both great parents and doing a fab job.

Sparrowlegs248 · 30/08/2013 22:26

OP - i don't have ANY children but have still thought that i would quite like a week in hospital to do sod all and get a good rest.(child-like dh....) YANBU!! But i don't think your dh was being too serious. Talk to him and try to arrange some time for yourself.

Original poster
Idontunderstandbabies · 30/08/2013 22:27

Meant to say- agent zigzag you hit the nail on the head- that's exactly why I got upset

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 30/08/2013 22:30

I have felt that way, just wanting something awful to happen so I could get away from everything and just be looked after and stop having the responsibility to do everything. Every time this has happened I have been clinically depressed. Have you discussed this with your GP?

hoppingmad · 30/08/2013 22:38

Twins are bloody tough, especially at that age when they are awake more but can't move or entertain themselves yet and they can't play with each other unless clawing each others eyes out constitutes play

I do get how exhausted you are. My dh & I are boringly non confrontational! It is very rare for us to row but if you'd seen us during the first year with twins you wouldn't believe that - we had some humdingers! It is complete & utter exhaustion like I've never experienced before (& I say that as the mum of a very demanding child with SN)

Tbh the early days are just a blur, I came home from hospital, morphed into a zombie and now I have toddlers (& grey hair!). Cut yourself some slack and do something positive. State very plainly to your dh that you need a night off and set about organising it - and then enjoy the sleep!

Original poster
Idontunderstandbabies · 30/08/2013 22:40

I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not. I do feel down, but I always think of depression as being a illness, whereas my feelings are due to my circumstances. I'm doing CBT at the moment and that's helping a bit.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 30/08/2013 23:09

You are both unreasonably knackered.

What's your health visitor like? Could you ask for a home start referral, or for your 2 year old to have the nursery allowance based on your circumstances?

Do you have any family or friends that would help out? Even if just to sit with the DC while you have a bath? Are there any multiples groups in your area? DSiL goes to twin groups, as she finds they have more helpers and more of a clue how hard it is. Rather than thinking 'twins, how cute'Wink

Finally, if you're anywhere in Leicestershire, I'm happy to meet you at any toddler group/park/shops if an extra pair of hands would make an escape from the house more likely Grin

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