I know we're both BU, but my DH's reply has really annoyed me

[Idontunderstandbabies]

I've got a 2 yr old and 5 month twins and I have to say I'm really not enjoying it the moment. I'm finding it all so stressful and I sometimes just wish I could escape. I said to my DH tonight (in a half jokey way) that I wish I could get appendicitis and go to hospital just to get a few days away. His response was- "thanks! What about me? That'd leave me on my own with them for a week!". I know it's all hypothetical, but I'm just upset that his response was so uncaring. Or am I being even more stupid than I realise?

Nah you're not stupid OP, i say this all the time - nothing long, debilitating or hellish just something requiring a few days in a quiet hospital ward I know!
I came out of hospital after DC3 and had a damned good cry because unbelievably in spite of a natural brutal birth and bugger all sleep it still felt like some me-time compared with real life.
My DP would have said exactly the same as yours and would have had a cat's bum face in return
We are playing competitive martyr/victim ping-pong atm

Who is more tired
Who is more depressed
Who gets more down time
Who gets more lie-ins
Who did the last nappy, teeth-brushing etc
Who does all the bf
Whose turn is it to take the trash out
Who last filled the dishwasher
Who needs 45 minutes to take a shit
Who is doing the laundry run
Who gets a warm lunch
Who needs to earn the money
Who has at least spoken with another human that day that they didn't give birth to
Who has the right to be more pissed off with the other one
Who needs to do housework
Who needs to do homework
Who needs to get out more
Who needs to get out...and breathe

Parenting is tough. Sahm can be very depressing indeed. All swings and roundabouts (see what i did there?!) as holding down a demanding job is also tough, especially when everyone wants a piece of you and you get home to everyone wanting a piece of you.

So YADNBU but equally YABVU

Agentzigzag your post was perfect.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. But I found the first year particularly hard. DC's 1&2 were nearly 4 and nearly 2 when dts arrived.

I also had undiagnosed pnd for the first 5 months which made me feel even worse. I'd recommend a chat with your gp as you might not be looking after yourself quite so well and maybe suffering from anaemia too.

Speak to your HV and ask about Homestart. I have had a volunteer since my twins were 13 weeks old. I need to be letting her go now but she is such a part of the family it's going to be tough.

Make sure you get some downtime and dh spends time with the babies. Think of it as him getting to know them rather than doing you a favour. Even a half hour walk on your own can help you feel refreshed.

On the face of it your OP seemed petty, but anyone who has been at home ft with 2 or 3 under 3s will know exactly what you mean.

Once i'd had dc2, I realised how crucial to my MH it was to leave the house on my own at least once a week. Even if it was just for 30 mins, and even if it was just to walk to the local newsagents, it recharged my mental batteries. Make sure you fit in time to do the same.

Oops xpost with sokmonsta!

Your joke was pretty uncaring too. maybe you need to start talking properly if you feel unsupported

Oh come on whoever wrote that ^^ have some compassion!

You've got twins and a two year old?!

Wow. Neither of you are being unreasonable. You are both massively overwhelmed.

Who wouldn't be. Homestart might be a good idea. They can do all sorts to help out. I'd give them a ring. Would your two year old be entitled to some time a nursery yet? That could help too.

YANBU. My youngest are 1 and 2 and its damn hard work never mind my older 2 (10 and 4)
I used to say things like this all the time. My OH just ignored it or laughed along. So one night when I'd cleaned up another spillage or split up another sibling fight I lost the plot and asked why he never offered to take them to give me a break ...,, like all my pals OH's.
seems he was terrified. He saw what looking after them all full time reduced me to and he was shot scared he couldn't cope.
So I explained its only because I'm stuck here 24/7
Now he has them away out all the time and I get lots of wee breaks.

Talk to ur OH. Tell him what it's like. Tell him what u need from him xxx

It's a classic of you talking about your feelings, wanting recognition and sympathy but him responding about practical implications. He did make it about himself, rather than try to understand what you were saying, too.

If he doesn't usually look after them full time, his reply was quite unhelpfully self-centred and missing the point entirely. If he does share a lot, it was just an expression of tiredness.

You need to spell it out - I said that because I do feel this bad. I could really, really do with a rest. I need you to recognise that and to recognise that being tired is not a competition, I know you are too and I recognise you're doing a lot too (though do say if you think he needs to do more). I'm just getting to the end of my tether here and we need to find a way to address this for things to continue to work for us as a family.

YANBU to want to get away! I have a 4, 2 and 7 month old so can't imagine what having a 2 Year old and 5 month old twins! (I need the 4 year old to keep the 2 year old in line!)

As someone who had appendicitis a week after DC3 was born and had to stay in a hospital room with no TV and no 3G for 4 days after being poked and examined everywhere to figure out what was wrong I can assure you that's not the best way of getting a break! :)

It sounds like you were telling your DH indirectly how tough you are finding things but he took it as more of a joke and went along with it. Can you have a proper chat with him and try and get a bit of a break?

YANBU to feel overwhelmed by the situation.
YABVVVU to have made that comment. I was rushed to hospital with pancreatitis when my eldest was 2.5yrs and my twins were 6 weeks. I was hospitalised and up to my eyeballs on morphine for a week. I was on a surgical ward and I could only see my children for an hour a day at visiting times. My son was too scared to come back and see me because I was yellow, on oxygen and a drip. it broke my heart and without the emense support of my DH and my parents I would have without doubt developed PND.

You need to speak sensibly to your H, an adult conversation - I feel overwhelmed and I need help. flippant comments do not help anyone. as you can see from the ages of my kids, I do completely understand how exhausting and overwhelming it is (they are now 3.7yr and 15m), multiples put a crazy strain on everything but you need to have open honest conversations and stay well away from the competitive tiredness game.

it does get easier though OP, promise. take a moment to look at your children and remember how wonderful they are.