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AIBU?

To ask for advice, cannot believe what my friend has just done.

86 replies

JakeBullet · 30/08/2013 13:43

I am asking here because it is anonymous and I know the advice will be honest and frank!

My friend J has just moved house way from an abusive exH and in a new town. The house she has gone into was occupied by a tenant who has built up massive debts. My friend knows this as she is answering doors to bailiffs almost daily and having to show her tenancy agreement to prove that she isn't the debtor. My friend gets over anxious about things and has been opening post to keep on top of it and contacting companies to point out that the other tenant has moved.

My friend doesn't always think things through, she is agoraphobic with an anxiety and panic disorder plus severe depression for which she is having weekly psychotherapy. This move was supposed to be positive and on the whole it has been.

However, she came to see me in the past 24 hours with her current partner. While he was off seeing relative she told me that she had opened another letter which had all the previous tenant's bank details on so.......had been online and used them to buy an expensive mobile phone. Shock


I have advised her that:

  • this is illegal (she is fully aware of this)
  • that if this comes to light she would be in serious trouble (she seems too confident that it won't come to light).
    *that what she has done is wrong (she honestly doesn't seem to care Sad).


    It doesn't help that one of her new neighbours apparently grows and sells cannabis and has offered to sell to her when she has tried so hard to come off it. He apparently has "a nice set up in the loft" and "plants growing well in the garden" plus "loads of solid" Hmm. The order for the phone took place after she had been smoking some apparently "good quality solid" and I think it has clouded her judgement at that point. I wish she hadn't told me though.
    My friend always says that "green" makes her paranoid but that the "solid" just keeps her mellow and relaxed. I don't smoke so I have no idea about cannabis.

    Now I am so honest it is untrue, I have never knowingly stolen anything (apart from a time when I discovered a pair of earrings in my shopping which were not on the receipt...even then I went back and paid for them).
    All this just sits uncomfortably with me but I don't know what else I can say or do. I don't feel I can report this....not given all my friend's mental health issues but I want her to decline the phone when it arrives and return it.

    Or does not reporting it make me awful?

    I cant do it though, she is fragile at the best and I have seen her in the depths of despair and suicidal over the past few weeks. I don't think she is thinking straight so any psychiatric nurses/doctors/experienced folk welcome with advice.

    I feel my only options are to report (cant do it) or ignore and hope for the best. ....or keep advising her to return the phone immediately hich is my preferred option.

    My friend feels that as the previous tenant is ignoring all mail and still apparently using the address to set up car insurances etc that nothing can be proved.

    Feel really upset that she has done this but cant tell anyone...only people here and ask advice.
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LadyFlumpalot · 31/08/2013 07:56

OP - the problem lies in that you are now aware, which makes you as culpable as she in the eyes of the law.

I would say to her that she has placed your family at risk and that you cannot allow so you have no choice. She either cancels the phone now (with you as a witness) or you will be reporting her for identity theft.

Also, she has kids you say, and she left an abusive ex. Is the ex the children's father? If so ask her how she would feel about her children being left with the abusive ex if she is caught and imprisoned? Maybe concern and guilt could get through to her?

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JakeBullet · 31/08/2013 08:14

Good ideas Lady, yes I need to be specific about what this could mean in consequences.

Thing is that when I moved in here I was in a similar position regarding bailiffs etc as the previous tenant at MY address was in a financial mess. Not ever in a million years would it have occurred to me to do anything like this. I just packaged up all the mail, marked it RTS and reposted it.

I am so disappointed in her.

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 31/08/2013 08:19

I think you should report the neighbour to be honest, he's selling it, and doesn't need to grow that much for one relative.

All your friend needs to do is send the letters back return to sender.

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JakeBullet · 31/08/2013 08:27

I am not sure of the neighbour's actual house number tbh. If all the houses in that bit are odd then I can work it out but it could just go in numerical order. Might need to wait until I go back there so I can see.

I am leaning towards reporting the neighbour and just telling my friend that I will report her regarding the phone if she doesn't just immediately return it. Going to message her this morning.....will tell her that it is to keep her safe.

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catinabox · 31/08/2013 08:29

Oh my. What a mess. Your friend is making some very poor choices isn't she?

Does she have DC? If so i think you have a responsibility to do something. Can you talk to her, tell her you are worried about the choices she is making?

If she doesn't have children, well, i'd be wondering whether to walk away and withdraw from this friendship. It worries me that someone could so quickly make a decision to defraud the previous tenant of her property and smoke cannabis when she has an anxiety disorder. Yes, she might have some issues but I don't think she really wants to make her situation better at the moment. She sounds very chaotic to me.

Have you got DC?

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catinabox · 31/08/2013 08:30

Going to message her this morning.....will tell her that it is to keep her safe

Sorry xpost. You sound like a very good friend o.p. I am wondering whether she'll thank you for it though.

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Tuppenceinred · 31/08/2013 08:38

Message her... I honestly think that sometimes it's better to speak to people.

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Mrscaindingle · 31/08/2013 08:42

I too think you sound like a really good friend but I would probably start to distance myself from this person.
I am a mental health nurse and the way you have described her lack of concern about committing a crime even the fact that she did it in the first place does not fit with someone who has an anxiety disorder.
I think anonymously reporting the neighbour growing the weed may be a short term fix but ultimately it sounds as if you and your friend have very different values and maybe it's time to see a bit less of her.

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 31/08/2013 08:45

I am not sure of the neighbour's actual house number tbh. If all the houses in that bit are odd then I can work it out but it could just go in numerical order. Might need to wait until I go back there so I can see

Can't the police tell using IR lights because of the lights needed to grow it? Or have I been watching too much tv?

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Crowler · 31/08/2013 08:53

Oh my god, what a mess.

I'd cut contact, but I probably wouldn't report it. Maybe I would. I'd be tempted.

Cut contact with this woman, she is a mess.

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JakeBullet · 31/08/2013 09:02

Yes, started to message her and you are right..it doesn't feel right. Going to give her a ring.

Her anxiety disorder is when she is out in public, she is severely agoraphobic and can really only get out when she is accompanied.
She has one child who is the same age as mine (I only have one too).

I know it doesn't come across here but she is generally a very nice person with lots of problems. I don't think she is thinking things clearly and I am in despair that one of her new neighbours is a supplier of a choice of cannabis. It is honestly the last thing she needs, she smoked it from age 9 as she was given it by her step father and his friends while they did unspeakable things to her Sad. Her Mum is not supportive and didn't believe her when she finally plucked up the courage to disclose the abuse in her early teens...she has on-going physical and mental health problems as a result of what was done to her. Because I know this I am more inclined to try and support her to do the right thing (return the phone) than to involve the police.

Hell if I had been through all that I might smoke cannabis to relax too...who knows.

Fact is though that she has a choice now....she made a conscious decision to order this phone and needs to do the right thing now and return it.

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catinabox · 31/08/2013 09:13

She doesn''t sound at all equipped to put boundaries around herself and other people OP. If she has been abused as a child this is not surprising.

I hope she listens to you OP, you sound like a really good friend.

Do you thing this new partner might be someone who is bad for her? It sounds like she is on a bit of a downward spiral at the moment.

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ZillionChocolate · 31/08/2013 09:17

Big cannabis growing set ups give off a lot of heat and smell. If you sent the police to the right bit of the street they could probably identify the house. People often dangerously bypass their electricity meter (hydroponics are power hungry), so I wouldn't feel safe living next door to one.

I think you should report to SS that you have concerns for her DD. The drug use/theft/return of ex are all very worrying behaviour.

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NeedaWee · 31/08/2013 09:18

Police then was your hands of the deadbeat

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ZillionChocolate · 31/08/2013 09:19

Oops, misread about current partner. If he's letting her do all that, he can't be too great.

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catinabox · 31/08/2013 09:21

Police then was your hands of the deadbeat

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe how harsh that is ^^ NeedaWee

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JakeBullet · 31/08/2013 09:28

No, not keen on this new partner as he is an abusive and controlling arse. However she now lives 35 miles away from him ....I am so pleased.

I suspect that she and I might drift apart in the future anyway now she is so far away.

New partner can now only get there at weekends as he is in work all week.

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FetchezLaVache · 31/08/2013 09:34

Most phones or similar purchases have a statutory cooling-off period, don't they? Perhaps if you could impress upon her just how traceable this transaction will be, she'll cancel it now and might just get away with it. The fear of getting caught will almost certainly be the only thing that'll motivate her to do the right thing.

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pudcat · 31/08/2013 09:42

The bank details didn't include the card details etc, just account and sort code.
Are you sure your friend is telling the truth about getting the phone? These details are ok for setting up a direct debit, but a one off purchase don't you usually need the security code on back of debit card.

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FetchezLaVache · 31/08/2013 09:47

Pudcat makes an extremely good point.

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LadyFlumpalot · 31/08/2013 09:59

It is possible that the bank has sent a new card, the old one may have expired. In which case the bank will have supplied everything the new tenant needs. The laat tenants here didn't change any addresses for years and we got all manner of official bank stuff through for them.

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LadyFlumpalot · 31/08/2013 10:01

We didn't open it but you can tell from the envelope usually.

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EBearhug · 31/08/2013 10:40

Yes, my new card (on an account I thought had been closed, so I wasn't expecting it) was nicked from the post and no one seemed to question stuff going to an entirely different address until I started getting bills for massive amounts I hadn't spent. It was all sorted in the end, but it was partly the bank's fault. Mostly the thief's, but the bank could have done more to prevent it in the first place.

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JakeBullet · 31/08/2013 12:35

Yeah...don't know about needing card details...she just mentioned bank details. The previous tenant is still using the address it seems but unless a new card has arrived (I hope to God not) then I don't see how she has got through a security check either. Odd that.

I wonder if she has set up a new contract with a phone company using the bank details to set up a direct debit.

The one saving grace is that the previous tenant has CCJ's up to the eyeballs by the sounds of things and I have a feeling that the initial order will go through and then fail when it comes to the credit check.....I can but hope.

Anyway have tried to phone her but no reply. Will ring again later.

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RenterNomad · 31/08/2013 13:25

She can return the phone within the "cooling off period" allowed for in tbe Distance Selling Regulations act, and might get away with that.

Can you present the phone theft and cannabis as making her life MORE stressful?

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