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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit hmmmm about this?

40 replies

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 00:28

Dp is relocating to live nearer to me next week. He has a job lined up but for lots of reasons it's not the right time for us to live together, and at the moment he has nowhere to live. He plans to buy a flat but in the meantime he plans to rent a room somewhere.

To be fair I live in the arse end of nowhere and there's not a terrific amount of choice around, but the advert he has set his heart on is a house share with a female a couple of years younger than him, single, no kids, and into loads of the same stuff he is into from what the ad says.

I feel a bit funny about this. I know he wouldn't feel comfortable about it if the tables were turned. AIBU?

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 30/08/2013 00:31

is it possible for him to move in with you or is it early days.

You either trust him that he is only renting a room and nothing else ( like an affair) or you dont.

Binkyridesagain · 30/08/2013 00:31

Do you trust him?

mummymeister · 30/08/2013 00:33

so OP what are the options here? He moves in with you on a lodger basis which doesn't seem a good start for your relationship and pushes you further than you want to go. or he finds somewhere else nearby that is convenient so that you can continue the relationship. he has done this but you don't like his flat share. you cant have it both ways. better to deal with the jealousy of him living somewhere else with someone you clearly see as a bit of a threat than you move him in now and rush the relationship/end up regretting it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/08/2013 00:38

What are the reasons he can't live with you? Without knowing those it's hard to judge...if you said "It's because he doesn't feel ready" then I'd say YANBU to worry. But if you said "It's because I have small DC and I want to build trust" then I'd say it was tough and you would have to risk it.

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 00:39

I want to give the relationship more time before he lives with me and my dc. I do trust him but the woman with the house sounds like his perfect match :D she is into all the hobbies he loves and I would rather set myself on fire than do.

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/08/2013 00:40

I lived with a man....as a flatmate. We DID have some eyeballing one another moments after a drink...I was 30 he was 33. But that's as far as it ever went.

I think it's probably going to be fine....you can't really dictate where he lives.

Binkyridesagain · 30/08/2013 00:42

If you trust him then there shouldn't be an issue. Sounding like a perfect match doesn't mean she is.

Beastofburden · 30/08/2013 00:44

The world is full of other people he might choose, he's chosen you. Unless you fancy policing him from now on, this is a good opportunity to show that you trust him (and incidentally make sure he can be trusted).

I know you may feel its putting temptation in his way, but either people have some backbone and self control, or they don't.

And he would be very pissed off if you told him he couldn't share a flat with someone in case he shags her. I'd be livid if someone said that to me.

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 00:45

Ok I am being silly. Good. I just needed to be told that!

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 30/08/2013 00:48

He sounds like a good man, relocating just for you is romantic.

MisselthwaiteManor · 30/08/2013 02:50

Having the same interests doesn't mean they're going to have an affair. Neither does her age. If there are no other reasons you think he might cheat then really you have nothing to worry about.

MammaTJ · 30/08/2013 09:40

I will be lidging with a man in a couple of weeks when I go to uni. Such a non issue where my DP is concerned as he trusts me.

MammaTJ · 30/08/2013 09:40

lodging, not even sure what lidging could be!!

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2013 09:43

I'm sure your DP is so utterly irresistable that this other woman can't wait to fall onto his penis ...

Harsh perhaps but just because she is a single woman doesn't mean she'll make it her life mission to snag your partner you know? YABU

ConfusedPixie · 30/08/2013 10:55

YABRidiculous, coming from somebody who has house-shared (and room shared!) for 6 years. They'll get pissed off at one another soon enough, don't you worry!

Bowlersarm · 30/08/2013 11:04

WilsonFrickett I think that's a little unfair to the OP. Living with someone does give a degree of intimacy that wouldn't be possible if you weren't living with them. It probably won't spark something, but it might.

Sorry OP, don't think that comment will make you breathe more easily.

However, you do have to trust him. You won't allow him to move in with you even though he is moving areas to be with you. It is better from his pov to be happy living somewhere he feels comfortable, as he has has to find somewhere to go. You're calling the shots so a bit unreasonable then to demand he doesn't live where he wants to.

Pesumably you'll be spending time at his so I'm sure his new housemate will become a joint friend of the both of you.

WhoNickedMyName · 30/08/2013 11:13

If he's going to fall for the first bit of temptation put in his way (because all single young women are out to snare another woman's partner aren't they ) then it's better you find out before you've moved in with him.

FastWindow · 30/08/2013 11:17

What nicked said. I'd make myself very obvious to the flatmate, though, just to make sure she knew I existed!!

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 11:22

If you already see yourself as being in competition with this female flatmate, then your relationship is doomed anyway

Don't consider for one moment moving him into yours before you are ready simply so you can stop him from accidentally penetrating another woman.

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2013 11:50

I don't think I was unfair bowlers I think it's more unfair to assume that a single female is by inclination predatory. However I did try to put that forward in a semi-lighthearted way so apols if the humour failed.

Bowlersarm · 30/08/2013 11:58

Wilson clearly I have my serious head on this morning!

attheendoftheday · 30/08/2013 14:38

^this.

I've lived with a male flatmate, we met doing the same hobby and have a lot in common. We have never engaged in anything romantic or sexual, both had other partners who we now live with. Honestly, men and women can just be friends.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 17:12

I have lived with male flatmates that didn't even end up being my friends never mind shag buddies

StephenFrySaidSo · 30/08/2013 17:16

she can be as perfect as she likes- she's not in control of his dick- he is.

you sound insecure. this needs to be dealt with before you go any deeper into a relationship with him.

comingalongnicely · 30/08/2013 17:27

I've got a male friend who does climbing, caving, skiiing and loads of other stuff with a friend of his that happens to be female. Her partner isn't in to these things at all & has no problems with her going away to do them. There's nothing in it all apart from a love of the same hobbies, if you suggested romance to either of them they'd probably ask "why ruin the friendship?"

Also, give your DP and the other woman some credit!! She may already be in a perfectly happy relationship or even think your DP is a total arse, he may not get on with her, there are so many variables....

Just be glad he won't be dragging you off to do all these things....

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