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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit hmmmm about this?

40 replies

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 00:28

Dp is relocating to live nearer to me next week. He has a job lined up but for lots of reasons it's not the right time for us to live together, and at the moment he has nowhere to live. He plans to buy a flat but in the meantime he plans to rent a room somewhere.

To be fair I live in the arse end of nowhere and there's not a terrific amount of choice around, but the advert he has set his heart on is a house share with a female a couple of years younger than him, single, no kids, and into loads of the same stuff he is into from what the ad says.

I feel a bit funny about this. I know he wouldn't feel comfortable about it if the tables were turned. AIBU?

OP posts:

carabos · 30/08/2013 19:27

Do you know anything about this woman aside from what's in the ad? If not, then YABVU.

She might not like him.
She might not agree to house share with him.
She might be in a relationship with someone else.
The someone else might be a woman.

Seriously OP, you need to get a grip. That sort of possessiveness is deeply unattractive. If I was your DP I'd run a mile.

MoominMammasHandbag · 30/08/2013 19:34

I have flatshared with guys that I've loathed, guys that I've been really good mates with and er....the one who ended up as my DP. Not what you wanted to hear sorry OP, but it does happen.

Hogwash · 30/08/2013 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dufflefluffle · 30/08/2013 19:46

Something similar happened with me and DP, I really couldn't bear the thought of him leaving with this other woman so he moved in with me and 20 years later he's still here......

SeaSickSal · 30/08/2013 20:04

You're being silly. My husband's ex flatmate is my baby's godmother and nothing ever happened between them. And they have lots in common.

catinabox · 30/08/2013 20:25

Ah.. it sounds like a good idea really. I'd feel a bit funny about it too but if you are taking the next step towards being together in a more permanent way then a short term share where he will get the chance to build up his own life in new area will be good for you both. You'll want space sometimes.

I know it's trite but if anything does happen, then well. He's not the one for you. I expect you'll be so happy to be living near one another that he'll be spending most of his time with you anyway and i'm sure that if this woman has got interests she'll be doing her own thing a lot of the time anyway.

Deep breaths..it's you he's chosen. :)

VitoCorleone · 30/08/2013 20:26

I agree that if he turns out to be a cheat who shags the first woman he comes across then its better you find out now, before you live together.

You need to be able to trust him.

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 21:28

It's not really the case that I am not 'letting' him move in with me, there are many reasons including financial ones which mean that it's not the right time now, which is something we both agree on, rather than me 'calling the shots'.

Yes I probably am a bit insecure but he hurt me really badly last year and I can't say 100% that I do trust him ATM. That's another reason why he is getting his own place rather than moving in with me.

But yes I am being silly. I suppose I feel a bit hurt because if the shoe was on the other foot and I was looking for a housemate I wouldn't choose someone that he would feel insecure about me living with, out of respect for him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 21:37

How did he "hurt you badly" ?

And how is that manifesting itself as continuing trust issues with him ?

If he was unfaithful then I stand by my original comment (even though it was given before your latest dripfed revelation)

your relationship is doomed anyway. Not least by the fact that he would do something that would make you feel insecure

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 21:43

Sorry, didn't mean to drip feed, I wrote the op last night at silly o clock and the ipad buggered up not once, but twice just as I was about to post so by the time I wrote it the third time there was quite a lot less detail .

He didn't cheat on me. Don't really want to go into the specifics of what he did but it was bad enough for us to break up for 2 months, and then him being in the dog house for several months after we got back together. Yet another reason why we are not moving into together now!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 21:44

Ok, I am not badgering you for detail

but it is quite hard to give a measured response, tbh

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 21:44

BUT to his credit since then he has been really pulling out all the stops to make things right and he feels genuinely shit about his actions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snailonthewhale · 30/08/2013 21:46

It's a very long story with lots of factors and I think any kind of nutshell type description would result in a blanket cry of LTB!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 21:47

Ah, I am not the best to advise you then, in all honesty

All the best anyway x

KatHavingKittens · 31/08/2013 00:23

Errmmm...

I have house shared, and one thing I have noticed is that whilst people may have a great deal in common, they come to think of each other more like siblings than potential partners. Furthermore, house shares tend to get on each others nerves a lot, even if they do have a great deal in common.

My ex had a woman house share with him for several months one summer, she was a friend who had nowhere to go. They had considerably more in common that he and I did, and they were closer in age (younger than me). I was initially worried, until the end of the second week, when he told me that he couldn't wait for her to leave.

Being non-trustworthy in one area does not mean that they are untrustworthy in every area.

All that said, if it was me, and DP was aware that I feel:

insecure, and
would respect his feelings were it the other way around

I would be questioning if this was the relationship for me.

If you feel others would say LTB, then there is a reason for this. But, you are also the one who has to live in this relationship, and only you can determine if he has done enough to warrant being permitted into your life.

Please be careful.

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