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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Toxic family dilemma.

27 replies

littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:05

Anyone who has read my previous recent threads will know the problems I have with my toxic family, mainly my sister and mother. I'm sure they are actually the same person.

I completely cut them off 5 and a half years ago, only for another member of the family to coax us all into speaking again a year later. Big mistake imo especially since nothing has changed.

Anyhow, during that year that we were estranged, I had all sorts of abuse from them, phone calls through out the night when DD was a matter of weeks old, vile messages left on voicemail, threats made etc etc, and on top of this, I was in severe financial difficulties, to the point where I was struggling to afford to keep a roof over our heads.
During this time, I didn't send any of my estranged family birthday or Christmas cards.
First of all, I didn't want to wake the lion up and get lots more abuse, and secondly I couldn't afford the postage. I know that sounds silly, but I have always given the children in the family money in their cards, and I was struggling to afford a stamp, let alone money too.

My sister phoned and left a message where she screamed at how unreasonable and selfish I was for not sending her children birthday/Christmas cards. She said that while it was to be expected that I didn't send her cards, it was unforgivable that I left her children without.

Roll forward to now. I have cut my mother off. My sister has not been in touch, so I am assuming she has taken sides with my mother. Not surprising.
It was DNephew's birthday last week, and I posted a card to him. I have not had any acknowledgement that he has received it. There was a birthday gathering at my sisters, but neither DD nor I were invited or even told about it, so we didn't go, but after last time, I sent DNephew a card, and I thought it would be nice if DNephew or sister just texted to say Thank you, birthday card received..something.

So AIBU to not want to send anymore birthday/Christmas cards if they are going to behave this way? Or should I assume it got lost in the post and not leave DNiece's and Dnephews out?

OP posts:
PigOnStilts · 29/08/2013 22:09

No, just don't waste your time. You've done enough. I'm edging away from my family now because although they are fond(ish) of my kids, they have no respect for me, so not my problem any longer. Leave them to it.

I've had harassment too, inc passive aggressive facebookery, and I know how it hurts.

NotYoMomma · 29/08/2013 22:12

what do you get from having a relationship with them?

cutting off but sending cards etc means you have one foot in and one foot out, it muddles and confuses the issues and how they may treat you.

I think I would cut ties completely, maybe one last letter/ message to explain your reasons and then thats it, ignore any replies

and I should imagine you have seen the stately homes thread on here? im not on it but I have heard some amazing things (and read a few myself!)

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:16

In the same boat PigOnStilts.

It's just I have always had a nagging doubt that IWBU to leave the DC out. A part of me was thinking I shouldn't let our dispute affect them, yet when I do bother, there is no acknowledgment. Confused

FWIW, I didn't send any money in the card to DNephew. Mainly because sister the family made an agreement a while back that we wouldn't gift the DC's money once they had reached 18, because well where would it end?

Apparently, this rule is ok for all the DC except sister's DC, because although DNephew is over 18, he is at university, and as such is not working and should be gifted money because he is not yet independent, and her other children are under 18.

My DD is the only other child exempt from this family agreement, because she is 5, yet DS, DN1, DN2, and DN3 get nothing because they are over 18 even when they have been out of work.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:18

NotYo I think stately homes thread would help me atm tbh. Thank you. I forgot the name of the thread. Grin

OP posts:
Spero · 29/08/2013 22:18

I don't think I have ever been thanked for sending a birthday card, unless I happened to bump into the recipient on the day? I sometimes get thank you notes for presents, but not always.

I think you are being unreasonable to send cards and to care about the response. I don't want that to sound harsh, but what on earth do you expect gain from this? Just more pain from the sounds of it.

They all sound quite mad, self obsessed and loving the drama. Leave them to it. Make a good life for yourself and cut all ties. I just can't see what possible benefit these people bring to your life.

Mia4 · 29/08/2013 22:22

I'd not bother OP, cut all contact. Given what they did last time, ext time they do it (if they do) you need to block them or record everything- more fool them if they leave any threatening messages, you could go to the police and tell them.

PigOnStilts · 29/08/2013 22:23

Yes, I agree about the drama....if you don't feed it.....I've just backed away no interaction, not interested. The great thing s that I'm not alone, one of my sisters who I've always been close to legged it years ago so isstill have her.

joanofarchitrave · 29/08/2013 22:24

If you want to send cards to your DNs, do, but don't do it if you are expecting a response. It's a bit odd for them. If they're anything like I am was as a young thing, I didn't really know family addresses or phone numbers, my mother had all that stuff, so if I hadn't been able to ask her, I would never have sent any thanks.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:27

Ok, well that all makes sense to me. It just makes it a clean sweep to cut them all off.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:29

''Littlemisssarcastic sent dnephew a card- what a bitch''.

''Littlemisssarcastic didn't send dnephew a card - what a bitch''.

AlmostPerfect · 29/08/2013 22:31

I would carry on sending DN cards, its not his fault his mother acts the way she does. At least then when he is older he'll know you care an you thought about him.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:32

It's not really thanks I was expecting, more an acknowledgement that DNephew had got a card.

Tbh, sister was so nasty and vile about the fact that I didn't send cards last time, she made such a huge deal about it, like it was massive to her that I thought she would acknowledge DNephew had received the bloody card.

Now it feels like if I don't send cards, I will get abuse, and if I do send cards, there will be no acknowledgement.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 29/08/2013 22:34

I would also carry on sending a card for the sake of DN.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:37

musicismylife I am sitting here nodding my head in agreement. I can imagine that is exactly how it is.

AlmostPerfect I'm not sure DNephew gives a shit that I care. As far as sisters family are concerned, I am a scrounger and a user. (That would be because I took their offers of help with childcare and I am a single mum who gets help with rent because I am on a low wage.)
They are typical DM supporters, bought their own house, resent anyone getting any help from govt because they don't qualify etc.

The DC have grown up with this attitude ingrained into them, so I don't think caring about them is enough tbh.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:39

Your dsis is determined to make life difficult for you. The only way to stop this nonsense is for YOU to take control.

She's not actually that bothered about the card, it's just her way of being a bitch while actually looking 'reasonable'.

Enough is enough. Do not send anymore cards-she probably bins them anyway.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:40

Hmmm, mixed responses. Out of interest, Why would you continue SeaSickSal?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:41

Now that would not surprise me in the least musicismylife.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:43

Poor you, OP,but I don't think you can reason with the unreasonable.

It's pretty crap for you though :(

musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:47

Bullies, the lot of 'em.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:48

Even more crap is when I bump into my mother while out and hide. I just don't want the inevitable confrontation. I don't actually want her in my life again. I cannot forgive her for what she has done. I can't see a time when I will ever be able to forgive her.

However, I won't be able to hide forever. Sad

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/08/2013 22:50

Do they send a card to your child?

musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:51

I cannot ever imagine my mum being so horrid, op. Fancy having to hide from your mum :(

musicismylife · 29/08/2013 22:53

Good point, YTC.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 29/08/2013 22:54

I cut them off after DD's birthday, so yes, they sent DD cards.

DS OTOH didn't send me a birthday card, and afterwards I didn't send him a card. However he made it clear he did not want to receive anything from me.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/08/2013 22:58

I think it'd be better just to do a complete cut off or it just complicates matters.

If they want to keep sending your dd a card then fine.

Kids hardly notice who gives them cards anyway.