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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ÁIBU to think that some men have a problem with post baby weight

55 replies

PigOnStilts · 29/08/2013 19:43

I gave birth five months ago. To an eleven pounder. Hes one Fat Baby and Im proud that I producued that on angel delight and the odd apple.
Still 12 stone (size 14 for me)..feel really down about it, trying not to give a shit, but I have three stone to lose so not too happy right now.

In the past three weeks I´ve had:
FIL - making some radio 4 hoho gag about my childbreeding hips
DH telling me "youve had enough" when I reached for the maltesers
today, my dad, who is admittedly a judgemental bawbag anyway, scoffing at my figure and telling me to order a diet coke rather than a real coke - and i cant remember the last time I drank the stuff it seemed extra cruel. Then he referred to my "lovely figure" in a really sarcastic way.

Obvs in each situation ive retorted "Ive just had your child/given you two grandchildren" and not taken it lying down.

I should keep my husband out of this as he only made that one comment....ever....hes v supportive and sensitive generally.
BUT
Wheres the fecking respect from the other two old farts and HOW dare FIL or FF (fecking father) critique my size as if Im some filly theyre eyeing up in the street????!

OP posts:
intheshed · 29/08/2013 20:55

After I had been moaning about not having time to go to the gym since having kids, DH once made the pointed comment when Victoria Beckham came on TV "well she's had 3 kids".

After that, every single time David Beckham or some equally hot dad appeared on TV I said "well he's got kids" with a Hmm look. He got the message!

urtwistingmymelonman · 30/08/2013 07:26

I normally reply to comments such as these with a slow look up and down the offender while telling them that they hardly look like david beckham themselves.
normally shuts them up.

LiegeAndLief · 30/08/2013 07:45

That's awful and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. Dh's comment would annoy me the most as he is the one who's vowed to love you and you had his child only five months ago!

When my first dc was born he was prem and pretty poorly. It was all very stressful and I was the lightest I have ever been within a month of his birth. I looked gaunt and ill. I think I had more people comment on my weight than asked after ds!

Second dc was full term and healthy. I put on a very similar amount of weight in both pgs but it took me about a year to lose it after dc2 and after 5 months I was much podgier than usual. Thankfully no one commented but I often thought how much better a few extra pounds and a healthy baby was than being skinny with a baby in NICU.

Original poster
PigOnStilts · 30/08/2013 07:53

I think the reason I'm so angry with my dad is that I am a comfort eater and at one point, in a period of high stress (and PCOS!), I went up to 17 stone, so size 22. I haven't been over ten stone in years now, so all. This bullshit is triggering for me and makes me question if I've got some sort of reverse body dysmorphia where I'm fatter than I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
PigOnStilts · 30/08/2013 07:54

Yes liege, my first birth traumatic, I lost the weight within two months. Second birth dream, he's a dream baby, Im So much more content....I know which baby seems to be happier as a result of less stressed mum :)

OP posts:
jojomalone · 30/08/2013 08:06

I hate this, I think it is sooooo rude how people think they are entitled to comment on others' bodies...

Since the birth of my son 10 months ago, I have had a neighbour ask if I was pregnant again and another of my NCT crowd comment that I was lucky to have a beautiful face I was 'quite a bit bigger these days' whereas she was lucky to have snapped back due to exercise and breast-feeding! How do they think these comments are supposed to make you feel at what is already a really vulnerable/ sensitive time??!!

No advice except rise above and think how ignorant they are to say such things in the first place.

SourSweets · 30/08/2013 08:29

YAsoNBU. My sister (whole other thread on the relationships page!) came to visit THE DAY AFTER I gave birth and said "oh, you still look pregnant!" People are dicks.

pianodoodle · 30/08/2013 08:40

What?! How dare they! What's wrong with a size 14 anyway?!

The baby you gave birth to was nearly twice the size of the one I did so just trying to imagine the extra eye-watering and feeling Angry on your behalf! You deserve respect!

Like you haven't enough to bother about with a 5 month old. It takes your body a whole year to properly recover from giving birth.

VoiceOfRaisin · 30/08/2013 08:47

Thank them politely for noticing and ask if they could babysit three times a week so you can go to the gym to get your figure back because otherwise, um, you have a baby to mind? Perhaps starting this afternoon?

thebody · 30/08/2013 08:50

hi op, yes they are rude and stupid.

BUT, my lovely fil said to me after having dc4 'oh body you are having trouble dropping the baby weight ( dd was 2) arnt you? I was WRF!!

actually he was right. I was unhappy and much bigger than suited me. so I got a byke, git weights and cut out the crap.

lost 2 stone.

you know what, get dh to babysit or better still df and dfil and go for it.

Chunderella · 30/08/2013 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheUglyFuckling · 30/08/2013 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doubtfuldaphne · 30/08/2013 08:53

You're not alone :( I'm one dress size away from what I was pre pregnancy and I'm made to feel awful about it.
MIL often asks "how's it going with your weight"? Couldn't be more direct if she tried.
Dh yesterday stopped me buying ice cream saying he thought I was going on a diet!
It's very hurtful. I don't feel great about myself as it is.

FobblyWoof · 30/08/2013 08:53

Tell them to fuck off back to the 50's where they belong. Grin

TBH I find it a tad...odd when fathers comment on their daughter's physical appearance- whst does it matter to them? Confused

Thepowerof3 · 30/08/2013 08:55

When my SIL wanted to give me her maternity wear my BIL said ' I don't know why she wants to give it away it all still fits her' and he's really fat, so I pointed that out and he shut up

ThedementedPenguin · 30/08/2013 08:58

I completely understand how you feel.

My dad (who I thankfully having nothing to do with) is always making comments about my weight to my sisters. What he doesn't know is that I'm pregnant again (early days so not showing yet) and I couldn't care less if I'm bigger, ill lose it some day. Plus it's not like I'm fat I'm a size 10-12 depending on clothes and have a wee bit of a belly.

He pisses me off.

PoppyAmex · 30/08/2013 09:01

"TBH I find it a tad...odd when fathers comment on their daughter's physical appearance- whst does it matter to them?"

I agree. In fact, in your position I would explore the "yuck" factor.

Look at FIL /DF in disgust and incredulity and ask them why are they looking at your body. Make it clear you find it creepy and disturbing.

IME, those dinosaurs are easily embarrassed if you can push their buttons.

TheUglyFuckling · 30/08/2013 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dobbiesmum · 30/08/2013 09:11

God there are some vile people around! I must be pretty lucky as I've never had a comment like these even after 3 DC's. My Dad would never even think to say anything, FIL wouldn't even notice and DH wouldn't dare, even if he thought it (especially as he weighs 5stone more than me). I'm either very lucky or very scary, not sure which...
People are conditioned to it though I think, every report about a famous new mum is generally centred around the Mothers post baby weight and how she's getting her figure back, even Kate got it iirc. It's pretty pathetic and can't do the health of the Mother much good.
YANBU, I would develop a large range of withering looks in your position and refuse to engage them when they start. Stare at their stomachs and do a Spock eyebrow raise and try to look like you're rising above it.

(As an aside, 11lbs!! Wow, my godson was round that weight and as I have had 3 roughly the size of puppies I am in awe of anyone who copes with a big baby!)

poppingin1 · 30/08/2013 09:21

My fil made comments about my mother wing a larger woman to my dh which i overheard. She is in her 50's with a serious thyroid disorder.

The comments were made while i was pregnant and he seemed to be getting at the idea that women turn out like their mothers so dh should take note of how my body changes after pregnancy.

He later advised me to be diligent in watching my figure after birth and advised me on techniques to help pull my stomach back in Hmm

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 30/08/2013 09:22

to echo Mamabear, I got a lot of compliments about how quickly I lost the weight and how good I looked. I was proud of myself at the time, it's only with hindsight that I realise I want eating because I was depressed and traumatised and couldn't eat. I shouldn't have been applauded for that. I needed help. which my dh found for me.

Why on earth does anybody comment on a new mother's weight. normally they ignore everything about the mum and focus on the baby, it would be good if this applied to weight as much as - or more - than anything!

Original poster
PigOnStilts · 30/08/2013 09:27

Well regarding the yuck factor, he's a known lech and even had the cheek once to give my knee a quick fondle while dropping me off at school. He creeps us all out tbh. Nobody should be getting appraised, although my dad and one if my sisters seems to have a genuine revulsion for fat...it's the first insult they'd hurl at anybody.

And no, the huge baby was csection....my stomach is not so bad really, have a waist etc but my lower belly is like a pillow. And for some reason I've developed massively beefy upper arms.

OP posts:
PoppyAmex · 30/08/2013 09:34

Pig I haven't been in that situation (due to tactful family members, not perfect body) but I really think you need a zero tolerance policy when it comes to that type of comments.

I'm not a hugely confrontational person and often live by the mantra "do you want to be right or be happy".

But it's so disrespectful and I'd be horrified if my children grew up hearing that type of rubbish.

You might be accused of "not having a sense of humour" but don't let them get away with it - any of it!

thebody · 30/08/2013 09:40

I think it's important to separate the two issues here.

your fil sounds horrible and if he 'fondles you' then I suggest you also his face very hard abc that will work.

re the weight issue. in your op you said that 'your not happy right now' presumably with your weight? if that's the case then get out exercising, check with your GP first though what's ok to do post c section, and cut out the crap.

it's noone else's business how you look or what you weigh so park that. however if you feel you need to loose weight then go for it.

it really is simple, eat less and excersise more.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/08/2013 09:54

YANBU at all.

Although after the birth of each of my 3 DC it was my mum (who is generally lovely and otherwise supportive) who criticised my weight and made loads of comments about how she left hospital after having had me wearing her honeymoon outfit!

I'm 5'5" and have to work quite hard to be a 12/14. My mother is a bit taller and naturally really skinny. She just does not get it at all.