To be a bit hmmmm about DP asking me to pay for his divorce?

[infinitemonkeys]

I'll try to keep this simple.
DP had been separated a year before we met. After we'd been together a couple of years and were talking about having kids, I made it very clear that he would need to get divorced beforehand.

He dragged his feet, and the divorce was eventually finalised a couple of months after our baby was born this year. He has to pay £1,500 in solicitor fees etc and has just received the invoice.

he has just asked me if I'll give him the money to pay the invoice.

As background: I earn approx 4x more than him, have never asked him to contribute to any household bills (although he tends to get the food shopping and one-off things like vet bills). He received a benefit backpayment of just over a grand last year which related to the house he shared with his exW, which I thought he'd put aside to cover the divorce.

I've asked him why he doesn't have the money to pay this bill and his response was, "money just goes, doesn't it?".

Am I being U to feel a bit peeved and to tell him to pay for his own bloody divorce? I also bought every single thing for our baby and he didn't offer once to buy anything....

Or should I just see it as a family expense and pay up?

Really not sure how to feel about this!

I think you should look at food costs OP, I know I am constantly surprised at how much we spend on food.

It may be that the lifestyle you are enjoying, he can't afford & doesn't have enough money left to save.

In any event, you have a baby, you haven't said you don't love him - so bill has to be paid & you both need to budget.

But the OP wanted her DP to get divorced. He was probably always conscious that he couldnt afford it hence dragged his feet. I think once you live together and have a child together, you should be thinking in terms of joint expenditure and not what's yours is yours, mine is mine etc

My DH works only part time and earns a minimum wage. I work full time and earn reasonably well. My DH's wage covers only some food shopping and a few other bits and pieces. So according to MN, he's a cocklodger despite the fact that we have three children together which he looks after plus does stuff around the house (ironing, cooking etc).

In the OP's situation, it honestly wouldnt bother me having to pay for the divorce. I would consider it a legitimate family expense that would benefit all of us. I assume that the OP and her DP are thinking about marriage themselves.

If the OP feels that her DP is squirreling away money and taking the piss, then she needs to have words, obviously. But to call him a cocklodger just because he earns less than her and cannot afford a £1500 lump sum is, IMO, very wrong.

"But the OP wanted her DP to get divorced"

Umm - well, wouldn't you? Call me old-fashioned, but I would too!

If you've lived with someone a long time and had a child together I thought it was generally considered that finances should be shared.

I didn't realise it wasn't and the partner who earns less is a bit flaky.

^^^as above

There's another poster down the thread who has said just that, HildaOgden. Or rather, she has said that he did.

I'm going to be brutally frank here....I think a man(or indeed,a woman) who couldn't get 1500 quid together over a period of at least 4 years to clear up his divorce,really shouldn't have been starting a whole new family until he had cleared up his other responsibilities first.

I'm sure I'll get the head eaten off me for that,so flame away!

I would say yes on condition he pays all his money into a joint account so he contributes to household bills - as what is he spending his money on?

Hilda, I agree with you

it's pathetic isn't it

"Ohh, a divorce ? What ? There is a bill to pay ? Oh no, I can't possibly do that, I have frittered my own money away on bits and bobs even though i will have had plenty of notice and upfront breakdowns of the cost. Never mind, that good ole trooper IM will pay it, no need for me to take my head out my arse at all < phew > "

At no point has the opportunity said he fritters away his money - food and vets bills are pretty important and are totally for the family. He had no financial problems before they got together fucking remarkable in the face that she says his income has dropped by70%- he's hardly a feckless sick your making him out to be

What happened to the MN thing of what is 'family money' all the high earning DHs that should willingly split their wages/put the lot into the family pot?

Massive double standards here as usual.

And if they are a family ie child and all that and they have had a loose financial arrangements where she pays larger bills he has just made a natural assumption that this bill would be treated the same way. If she had made it clear that she would not pay before he started proceedings than some of your bile would be justified. As it is you are judging him from a starting point that did not exist but hey don't let that stop you

Op hasn't yet explained why, despite warning this man she wouldn't have a child with him whilst he was still married to someone else, they went ahead and did it anyway

and now she is expected to foot the bill he should have taken care of a long time ago ?

fuck that

a bit late for the OP, but a salutary lesson to not throw in your lot/have kids with someone who is still married to someone else

I don't think it's double standards at all.....I'm all in favour of the income of both parties (regardless of whom earns most) being pooled,all expenses being taken from that,and whatever is left over being divided up equally.Happy days,no problem with that at all.

What I would have a problem with is settling the previous debts that one spouse ran up before he even met me.Despite him having had at least 6000 quid of his own to sort it out himself (100 a month spare cash,1200 a year for at least 4 years.Plus the 1000 profit he made on selling the previous marital home).

He kept the profits from the previous marriage for himself (the 1000 quid),yet expects the second wife to pay the 1500 loss he ran up with a divorce?......fuck that,no way would that sit well with me.

Why does the op have to explain to you Any Fucker? They had a casual financial arrangement there is some niggles with it, they need to discuss it a bit more, sorted.Can't stand fucking moral superiority and over dramatization

she doesn't have to explain to me

but the question has been raised on this thread (not by me) and it's a very valid one, imo

do you not agree ?

Couldn't,t give a monkeys, don't really belive in marriage as anything other than an administrative contract. For all you know he might not give a monkeys either and only got the divorce because the opportunity wanted it. The point is they are now a family , they both contribute and they had no understanding before the divorce was started. It's a communication problem not cicklodging

Or cocklodging either

Saying that though I personally would not have a child with somone still married but it's not something I would judge somone on(Simon Cowell)

I'd be concerned about him being unable to get divorced until it was a deal over having a baby. A baby! Now you have one. Ane he's asking you to foot the bill for the divorce.

Tsk. Cocklodger.

how does Simon Cowell figure here ?

FGS, I hate the X Factor and it will soon be upon us, do we have to bring that toxic cuban-heel wearing midget into a support thread too ?

Amongst other things. But Cocklodger is enough.

SC got his married lover pregnant before her divorce

I don't give a shiny shit about Simon Stacked-Heels Cowell, and I doubt OP is giving him much thought either, right now