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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit hmmmm about DP asking me to pay for his divorce?

122 replies

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 17:54

I'll try to keep this simple.
DP had been separated a year before we met. After we'd been together a couple of years and were talking about having kids, I made it very clear that he would need to get divorced beforehand.

He dragged his feet, and the divorce was eventually finalised a couple of months after our baby was born this year. He has to pay £1,500 in solicitor fees etc and has just received the invoice.

he has just asked me if I'll give him the money to pay the invoice.

As background: I earn approx 4x more than him, have never asked him to contribute to any household bills (although he tends to get the food shopping and one-off things like vet bills). He received a benefit backpayment of just over a grand last year which related to the house he shared with his exW, which I thought he'd put aside to cover the divorce.

I've asked him why he doesn't have the money to pay this bill and his response was, "money just goes, doesn't it?".

Am I being U to feel a bit peeved and to tell him to pay for his own bloody divorce? I also bought every single thing for our baby and he didn't offer once to buy anything....

Or should I just see it as a family expense and pay up?

Really not sure how to feel about this!

OP posts:

Hebemajeebe · 29/08/2013 21:15

We are in a similar financial position and DH earns a small percentage of my income. I have also been in the position of living with an exH who earnt 4 times my salary at that time and insisted on me paying half as my fair share. It left me completely skint at the end of each month whilst he had plenty to spend and I would never put DH in that position.

My view of what's fair is that we each put a percentage of our income into the bills and then the remainder of both our income is joint money. Because he earns so little that actually ends up that I pay for everything and he gets some of my money too. It would not seem right to me that I get to spend more simply because I'm lucky enough to have a better paid job. I'd also laugh at anyone who thought he was a 'cocklodger' as ridiculously outdated and sexist. Women in similar positions are not accused of that.

I do think there may be a bit of a difference in that my DH has always been very embarrassed by his finances and would never assume a joint bill would just be paid by me. Similarly I'd discuss with him if i had a large bill to pay. Something like a solicitors bill would have been discussed and agreed beforehand.

It sounds like you need to sit down with a budget and really look at what's being spent. 9k could easily 'just go' on lunch at work everyday, a weekly food shop and car expenses if he is not bugeting. Or bits and bobs as you say. Depending on what bits and bobs he is spending be prepared to find that percentage wise he might be spending more of his income on family expenses than you think and also to decide what you consider fair when looking at spare income - do you each keep your own or do you consider it fair that you share equally?

MortifiedAdams · 29/08/2013 21:24

Maybe this is why he isnt with his first wife?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/08/2013 21:25

It's the way he has gone about it that strikes me as 'cocklodger'

and I know AF pointed this out earlier, but the vast majority of the posts said YANBU yet you latch onto the one that says YOU are being unreasonable??????????

Hebemajeebe · 29/08/2013 21:59

Yes Chipping, I guess you are right in that I would also not be happy about how it was done. I suppose I'd use this situation as a prompt to have an open and clear discussion about finances and then make a judgment about cocklodger or not depending on how he reacted and whether the discussion resulted in some changes in how your finances work. It clearly doesn't sound like its working for you at the moment op.

I would expect him to start to look at exactly what he is spending over the last few months and work out where his money goes. As I say though, you might be surprised at how much can be frittered away and spent on little things. Dont be surprised in fact if his contribution equals yours in percentage terms. In the past I'd done a very careful obsessional record of all the things I'd spent over a period of a few months and its a real eye opener. It was only because I'd done this in the past that I guessed that DH was spending way more than his fair share on very similar things to the things you mention - mostly car expenses, odd shops (especially the emergency run out of milk variety) and 'little things'. I knew he wasn't spending anything on much else but never had any money at the end of the month which frustrated him. Once he saw what he actually spent he a) cut down on some unnecessary things like coffees bought out and b) was much more willing to accept my financial help as he could see he was paying his fair share.

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:04

I really appreciate all the advice and viewpoints. For those who've pulled me up on latching onto the post that says I'm being unreasonable - that's not how I meant it to come across. I wrote my OP feeling definitely as if I've somehow inadvertently become host to a cocklodger and pretty pissed off about it, but am also open to all opinions and to be fair the post that said I was being U made me soften my stance somewhat.

I can see that this my own silly fault for not setting boundaries and being perhaps over generous.

I don't think he takes the piss in general, because he honestly doesn't have any luxuries or go out drinking. If i was to tot up our respective spending on household stuff, it's probably proportionate, but I do all the major stuff and I think it's perhaps wrong that we've never discussed this - it's just a given that I earn more therefore I pay everything.

I think, after reading everyone's posts, I won't just hand over the divorce money, purely because I don't want to resent him for it. I will see if we can, together, work out a fair way to sort this expense. I'll also see if I can set some boundaries so things feel a bit fairer.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2013 22:04

OP, how would he manage financially if he were not with you? And why did he drag his feet over getting a divorce?

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:06

Massive x-post with heebmajeebe there!

OP posts:

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:08

WhereYouLeftIt I chose to live where we do (I moved here and then asked him to move in later), which would be out of his budget alone, but it was my choice. When we met, he managed fine alone. His rent was 1/5 of his income. Our rent here is 100% of his salary.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 22:09

That's lovely for you, hebe, that you and your partner make it work where there are very different financial standpoints

But it's irrelevant, because that isn't what is being described in the OP

I repeat, I find it concerning that the OP immediately jumped like a drowning woman onto a liferaft upon the first reply that excused the financial irresponsibility of this man

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:10

WhereYouLeftIt (sorry, posting on phone):

He dragged his feet I think because of the expense. It wasn't as if he didn't want to, but he just didn't get things moving for quite a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:14

AnyFucker - as a very longterm lurker, I often find myself agreeing wholeheartedly with your no-bullshit, direct and insightful posts. I'm not leaping onto liferafts, but I suppose I was relieved to see that maybe just maybe I could be being U and hadn't gone and got myself into a cocklodging situation after all...

OP posts:

Original poster

infinitemonkeys · 29/08/2013 22:15

... However, it's pretty clear that the situation is not right or respectful and needs to change. The reaction I get will be telling.

OP posts:

Mindmaps · 29/08/2013 22:15

Cockloadger for £1,500 bill when she earns 4 x his wage ? plus does a reasonable share of everything else and works - so is hardly sponging off her. Op this is more about having a loose financial arrangement that works but then you getting uppity about a bill because is from his 'past' - where as you would have paid it happily if it was a car repair or leaking roof !
If he were a woman and you a man then everyone would be saying its 'family' money

pigletmania · 29/08/2013 22:19

Bloody hell dont pay for his blooming divorce, thats his responsibility not yours.

BrokenSunglasses · 29/08/2013 22:19

This thread is a classic example of male/female double standards on MN.

If OP had been a man complaining that his wife needed money from his rather large wage to pay for her divorce after she had just had his child and she didn't have any money left after paying what she could towards the household, he would have been told what a selfish bastard he was.

But because OP is female, she's being told to keep her money to herself. So this man is good enough for OP to create a child with, but not good enough to share her income with? I don't get that.

SunshineBossaNova · 29/08/2013 22:20

I was living with XP when I divorced my first husband. Divorcing him was admittedly cheaper than £1.5k, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask XP for the money. My divorce, my business.

YANBU at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2013 22:26

It's possible he's not a cocklodger (but by no means definite).

The reasons I asked those questions was to form a fuller opinion of him (my kneejerk response to your situation was that he was an expensive pet rather than a partner).

It's possible he's just a bit flakey over priorities. Re the divorce - damn the expense, I just wouldn't want to still be legally attached to someone I had split with. He was content to let it drift, as if it didn't matter to him. (Side issue - why did they split?) Ideally, he should have got the ball rolling before you even existed for him. And to leave it for years into a new relationship - were I being completely cynical I'd suggest still being married allows him never need to consider marrying again.

Similarly with how would he manage financially. Having moved in with you, it's almost as if he sees himself as a guest in your house, reinforced by you paying the bills and him just buying a bit of food (as I have done when a guest).

I just have the impression of someone who drifts, taking no real responsibility for the direction his life is going. He could be a cocklodger; or just a bit ineffectual. Some people are.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 22:32

OP, do you agree with me that he fully expected you to pay for his divorce all along ?

And that he seems to feel entitled to you bailing him out of a large bill that there is no way he would have not seen coming ?

I can see you are not happy about that, and nor should you be

You don't seem to be clear on what his reaction might be to you tightening up the financial aspect of your relationship in a way that is fairer to you. That is a little concerning.

januaryjojo · 29/08/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 29/08/2013 22:36

I've lived with a cocklodger - he squirrelled money away whilst I paid the vast majority of the rent and he pleaded poverty. I was earning I think about £40k to his £30k.

Only the OP and her DP can know whether he is doing this, or whether he is genuinely hard up from trying to keep his end up paying for ad hoc expenses and regular grocery shopping which wipe out most of his income.

They can only find out by looking carefully at their finances and being open about spending.

It's too early to call or have a definite opinion about.

HildaOgden · 29/08/2013 22:56

I'd also be wary about making idle threats/demands.You told him he had to get divorced before you would have children with him,yet gave birth to his child before he actually got the divorce.

For your own sake,make sure that's the only time you don't stick to your guns on something that is important to you.Because otherwise you may well find yourself living a life where you end up being the only one who is making compromises/settling for doing things the way you would not actually like.And that will eventually drain the life out of you.

Be careful...he's showing a few signs that may (or may not) spell trouble.

HildaOgden · 29/08/2013 22:57

...ps...does he have children from his first marriage?Is he looking after them as he should?

Tryharder · 29/08/2013 22:59

This thread is horrible.

How many women on MN are SAHMs, married to high earners, have cleaners, and have school age kids? There are plenty. And noone calls them cunt lodgers are freeloaders or is rude about them.

The OP's DP is working, pulls his weight around the house and pays for what he can afford. How awful thast he has been name-called on this thread just because he doesnt have £1500 to pay for a big expense.

I don't blame you for being a bit cheesed off, OP but TBH, I think if you have the money, you should give it to him and perhaps now would be a good time to tighten up your mutual finances a bit so both of you are clear where the other is coming from, who earns what, who pays for what.

HildaOgden · 29/08/2013 23:01

How many women on MN have said that their new spouse should pay for their divorce from their previous spouse Tryharder?

Doha · 29/08/2013 23:02

I think you have MUG tatooed on your forehead OP.Everyone can see it but you.

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