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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

really don't know if I'm BU and need to calm down or if my dad is being a twat...

70 replies

quesadilla · 29/08/2013 13:15

Going on a short break with my parents this weekend with DH and DD (2.5), long weekend up north. My mum is quite unwell and dad needs a lot of support and respite. I go down about once every three weeks/month to help out. Don't resent this at all as he needs the support but its stressful sometimes, he can be quite entitled and a bit selfish about it, just not saying thanks for the fact that we do a ton of housework/cooking for them or taking into account that I have a small child I need to care for alongside fitting in with what he wants to do.

He's also paying for our accommodation though we're chipping in for petrol and have agreed to go halves on meals.

He wants to head off very early on Saturday morning to get a good start driving. Fair enough, as the drive will be (conservatively) four and a half hours without factoring food/loo breaks. He asked if we could be at their house on Friday night. We can't because we're both working. He gave me a hard time about this as he has trouble grasping that we can't just drop work at a minute's notice but has now accepted it but is now saying we need to be there by 9am on Saturday.

For us to be there by 9am on Saturday we would need to be leaving our house by about 5am (we don't have a car and would have to travel across London to get to the place where we'd get our train where it would then take a further hour and a half to get to their house.) DH has been working until around 7pm every night this week and isn't expected back until about 8pm on Friday. We were also all at their house last weekend.

I called this morning and said was there any way we could get a train to somewhere that's en route which would allow us not to have to be up at the crack of dawn and also wouldn't mean he would have to make too much of a deviation from his journey (I have somewhere specific in mind and have worked out that it would mean he'd have to drive about 45 mins out of his way.) He said flatly no way, he's old and doesn't want to have to go too far out of his way.

Now I know that his life is a bit shit at the moment as looking after my mum really takes its toll and I know he's doing us a favour by paying for us. But AIBU to expect him to at least consider meeting us half way on this?

OP posts:

Original poster

quesadilla · 29/08/2013 14:36

MrsTerryPratchett
Ironically, yes. Superficially they couldn't be more different.

OP posts:

Original poster

quesadilla · 29/08/2013 14:37

Home yup, fair enough. Works for me....

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 29/08/2013 14:37

Go over on Friday night. Your DH will have to work out how he's going to get some sleep, whether he goes on the floor, sofa, struggles in the bed with you...

You'll get a reasonable night's sleep even if you don't get your head down until 1am, and neither of you have to drive the next day so can doze in the car and have an early night at your destination.

diddl · 29/08/2013 14:39

It actually sounds as if it's a place your Dad particularly wants to go to & it would have been better for him to go alone for some r&r!

OP-have you actually asked your husband what he'd be prepared to do so that you could leave asap?

BarbarianMum · 29/08/2013 14:39

Well I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I think you should tell your dad you will leave home at 7am prompt on Saturday and be with him at whatever time that allows.

He doesn't have to leave home at 9am, he wants to. He didn't have to choose such a distant location for a short break, he chose to.

Or you go on Fri, and your dh joins you Sat.

There are a lot of assumptions on this thread that the OP's dad a lovely chap under a terrible strain. My dad is a selfish arse - if he had to care for my mum the strain might be terrible but that wouldn't suddenly make him a nicer person.

Maryz · 29/08/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

quesadilla · 29/08/2013 14:40

Barbarian My dad is both a lovely chap under a terrible strain and a selfish arse. Hence the dilemma :)
Thanks though.

OP posts:

WeleaseWodger · 29/08/2013 14:46

I didn't suggest you have to be piously non critical of your dad. I suggested you seem to have an issue with him not thanking you. And again, I repeat, you're there to help him care for your mom. He wouldn't need your help at all if he wasn't a full time carer for your mom.
If you try to look at it that way, it might help you understand why he acts like your support is a given rather than a favour for him.

Like you say, it's an Internet forum and all I'm commenting on is what you chose to write. I'm sure it's heaps messier in real life with a giant dollop of resentment and guilt coming from all sides. It's always hard when our parents get too fragile.

Davsmum · 29/08/2013 14:50

If its all so difficult then just don't go!
You have a DH who seems unsupportive!

Why don't you just go on your own on the Friday with DD and leave DH at home? Does he HAVE to come with you? It doesn't sound likes he wants to and if I had a DH with that attitude I wouldn't want him to come with me - I would rather spend time with my Dad without trying to keep a reluctant DH happy too!
If you are trying to keep 2 men, who will not budge, happy - then you are on a hiding to nothing!

Jan49 · 29/08/2013 15:07

It sounds like either your dad or your DH need to be more flexible. Either your DH needs to go to your parents' house after work on Friday or your dad has to accept that you won't be there at 9am to leave on Saturday.

If neither of them will budge, could you just go with your dd on Friday evening and leave DH out of the weekend altogether?

It doesn't sound like a very relaxing trip for anyone.

maddening · 29/08/2013 15:19

If it were me I would leave when dh gets home on friday - tell him to get tea at work have dc fed and in comfy clothes and I would drive - less traffic etc and dc can doze in car with a lie in n the morning.

As for the not saying thanks - yabu - surely this is just what families do.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/08/2013 15:27

It's pretty obvious to me. You and DD go as soon as you've finished work and share a bed at your parents' house. Your DH has a good night's sleep at home and then leaves early to join you by 9am. If DH is tired from early start he can have a kip in the car. Your DF is going a awful l

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/08/2013 15:40

Sorry posted too soon. I was going to say your Dad is doing a awful lot of driving and it's not fair to ask him to add in a diversion as well. I hope you can sort it and all enjoy the weekend.

chesterberry · 29/08/2013 16:10

If you didn't have your DD then I would say maybe you should just do it, but door-to-door the journey is going to take close to 9 hours for you. I can see why your DF doesn't want to go out of his way and add an extra 45 minutes onto an already long journey, but equally getting up at 5am to trawl across London with a 2 year old in tow will be horrendous for you even if you didn't then have to manage a 4.5 hour journey.

YANBU to keep trying to get him to meet you half-way, although unfortunately if he won't I don't see what else you can do, and he probably knows this.

Is there any way that, if he really won't budge, you and DD could stay the night at their's overnight and your DD meet you the next morning? Unfair on your DH but at least then your DD can get a good night's sleep and might cope in the car better.

AbuseHamzaMousseCake · 29/08/2013 16:32

could you maybe get a minicab to your DF's, rather than public transport? Might be quicker and cheaper than train to meet up destination?
If minicab was too expensive, I would go over the evening before with DC and let DH decide if he wants to come over in the morning or have you pack for him & he can then shower, change and eat at DF's

Original poster

quesadilla · 29/08/2013 16:41

Thanks for the suggestions all... Have decided best if dd and I go down on Fri and DH goes down alone first thing Sat. Think I just needed a bit of a talking to.

OP posts:

whois · 29/08/2013 17:06

I don't think either of you are being particualy U.

Dad needs to chill out about leaving quite so early, but you could be a bit more flexable.

You going earlier with the children then DH following either later that night or the next morning if he prefers is a reasonable soloution.

Maryz · 29/08/2013 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/08/2013 18:49

Well done Op I think it's the best way. Perhaps your Dad could be persuaded that a 10 am start would still be early enough to get you there at a reasonable time so DH isn't having to leave quite so early :)

loopydoo · 29/08/2013 19:01

Sounds like you are being a bit U. When you say DH would have to shower, eat and pack? Why would he leave packing until the night you leave? Surely, he can pack stuff for a short weekend away the night before.....or even two days before?

Your poor dad feels shattered from looking after your mum and you're not budging much. Getting to their house at midnight would give your DH about 8 hrs sleep - nobody needs more than that. Your dad is driving for 4.5 hrs on Saturday and I assume doing any driving when you're at the destination so it's not much to ask you (as much younger people) to cross London. A 2.5 yr old is flexible - she will sleep on the train and then just shift her into bed at your parents.

Not much sacrifice from you is needed for one weekend surely? Your parents are paying for the accommodation don't forget.

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