really don't know if I'm BU and need to calm down or if my dad is being a twat...

[quesadilla]

Going on a short break with my parents this weekend with DH and DD (2.5), long weekend up north. My mum is quite unwell and dad needs a lot of support and respite. I go down about once every three weeks/month to help out. Don't resent this at all as he needs the support but its stressful sometimes, he can be quite entitled and a bit selfish about it, just not saying thanks for the fact that we do a ton of housework/cooking for them or taking into account that I have a small child I need to care for alongside fitting in with what he wants to do.

He's also paying for our accommodation though we're chipping in for petrol and have agreed to go halves on meals.

He wants to head off very early on Saturday morning to get a good start driving. Fair enough, as the drive will be (conservatively) four and a half hours without factoring food/loo breaks. He asked if we could be at their house on Friday night. We can't because we're both working. He gave me a hard time about this as he has trouble grasping that we can't just drop work at a minute's notice but has now accepted it but is now saying we need to be there by 9am on Saturday.

For us to be there by 9am on Saturday we would need to be leaving our house by about 5am (we don't have a car and would have to travel across London to get to the place where we'd get our train where it would then take a further hour and a half to get to their house.) DH has been working until around 7pm every night this week and isn't expected back until about 8pm on Friday. We were also all at their house last weekend.

I called this morning and said was there any way we could get a train to somewhere that's en route which would allow us not to have to be up at the crack of dawn and also wouldn't mean he would have to make too much of a deviation from his journey (I have somewhere specific in mind and have worked out that it would mean he'd have to drive about 45 mins out of his way.) He said flatly no way, he's old and doesn't want to have to go too far out of his way.

Now I know that his life is a bit shit at the moment as looking after my mum really takes its toll and I know he's doing us a favour by paying for us. But AIBU to expect him to at least consider meeting us half way on this?

Can your DH go straight to your parents' from work and shower and eat there?

Can you get a train all the way to where the holiday is?

Sorry, just seen you've answered the train question.

frog I could do that. I highly doubt DH would do it (he has always refused in the past).
Hazelnut no I've explained this before... it would cost too much money.

Op - it sounds like your dh is a bit of a pain.

Why don't you do what is easiest for you and dd and let dh sort himself out. He is a grown man and could easily either travel late friday night (regardless of his hard physical work!!!) or travel early saturday morning.

At least you would be sorted.

Well, someone's got to give in! Either you get up early, your dad makes the 45min detour or your DH goes straight to your parents' from work.

Why does your DH refuse?

If you get there much after 9am, you won't be at the destination until 2pm at the earliest and it's not really much of a "long weekend" then is it. So I see his point on that. But I also see your point re travelling and late nights. Really it sounds as if you just don't have time to go, this plan doesn't work for you. Not helpful I know, sorry, it sounds very tense

You've said it would take four hours by public transport to get there for 9am - how long does it take at the quickest time?

I don't think he's being a twat, but you sound like you want endless praise from a man who's overwhelmed physically and emotionally because he's caring for his ill wife 24/7. Once every three weeks you come to help him. He probably feels like this is bare minimum while you seem to feel he should profusely thank you.

frog DH can be a bit stubborn about this sort of thing. But he's used to very early mornings (wakes up every day at 5.45) so for him its far less stressful to do that than travel long distance after a full day's work.
To be honest I can't really blame him for that either... its awkward for me but I don't think its especially unreasonable.

WeleaseWodger
can you point to where i said he should endlessly thank me? I don't remember having said that...

I give up one weekend in three to spend with them. Its my duty so I don't resent it but its also not nothing.

You don't know my dad but to give you an example of the kind of thing he does, last weekend myself and DH spent hours (literally) preparing a stew for him. When he finally sat down to eat it he said it was "a little bland" and said he wished he'd got a takeaway.

I don't want endless praise from him, no, just occasional manners and consideration.

You say you can't blame him for that. Well actually, if it was my dh, I would. Surely he can put himself out to help your dad feel comfortable - I agree with welease on this. It sounds like your dad could do with some people putting themselves out for him (I know you already do a lot but this is an opportunity to do more). Its no big deal for your dh really - traveling for an evening after work is ok, if a bit knackering, however hard work is.

It would surely be harder for you to wake a young dd up early on saturday morning? And harder on dd. So your dad and your dd both suffer as dh is too stubborn to put himself out?

That amount of travel time for a short break/long weekend with a 2-year-old sounds ridiculous whichever way you do it.

Is this meant to be in any way enjoyable for you? Or is the main point to help your dad take your mum away for a trip he couldn't manage by himself? Because if it's the first, I think you've failed before you start. If it's the second, I'd leave your DD at home with DH and go along solo as a pair of helping hands for your dad.

I do understand that you already give up one weekend in three - but in your dads position this probably doesnt seem a lot if your mum is in a position of requiring respite care for dad to go away.

None of us know if he is a grumpy old man and unreasonable to the core. But it does sound to me, now, as if your dh may be a bit of the problem.

Old people do critisise a lot. Don't know why but a lot do. We probably will when we get there too.

OP, it's the tone of your posts as well as what you wrote. Bit like when someone prefaces an insult "with not being rude, but". You do seem miffed he doesn't thank you in a manner you would like.

You are there to help him support your mother. If it was just him, he wouldn't need you to come help, would he.

There seems to be a complex relationship there, so maybe it will help if you think of it as supporting your ill mother, not helping out your father.

The other problem about going there on Friday is that DH, DD and I have to share a bed if we go there. DH won't get any sleep at all (quite literally) if we go on Fri.
I'll have a word with him but I know he will be extremely reluctant.

Its all about your dh. Why won't he get any sleep - why can't he put a loads of cusions on the floor and sleep on the floor if he can't sleep in a bed with you and dd. My dh does that a lot!!! As do I if dd wriggles too much.

Things don't have to be perfect. Your dh sounds like a strong healthy chap bearing in mind he does hard physical work. Therefore he can easily find somewhere to kip down to sleep.

Or he travels by himself on the saturday morning. It does sound like you have a dd and a grown up ds!

Cushions not cusions obviously.

Anyway - the only person really needing sleep is your dad. He is going to be doing all the driving!! Your dh can sleep in the car if he has a rough night!

Welease I'm not making any secret of the fact that he sometimes can be quite inconsiderate and it winds me up, and several of our other relatives find this too. I do everything within my power to make his life easier and will continue to do so. I love my father and have a huge amount of sympathy for him.

But surely you must have had people close to you who sometimes manage to be astonishingly ungrateful and unthinking about the people close to them and just display a lack of tact? Have you never had that colour your judgement when responding to situations?

I'm happy to bend over backwards to support them but I don't see why I have to be a total martyr about it when they're not around...

If I'm BU fair enough, I can take that on the chin and clearly I'll have to find a workaround for this particular situation. But I think its a bit rich to suggest that I have to be piously non critical even when ranting posting on an anonymous internet format.

I agree with Maryz. Just one extra train fare to find. Or if this is still too much like hard work for dh, leave him out of it entirely?

I don't understand why you and DD can't go the night before and DH gets to your DParent's in the morning. You don't lose any sleep and DH gets his shower and early start.

Sounds like you married your DF BTW They are both stubborn.

quesadilla, you've had quite a lot of people make suggestions for alternatives and you've explained why each suggestion won't work. That implies to me that you may be in a bit of a "stuck" / negative mode, where it feels like you are faced with a limited number of choices, all rubbish, and there's really no choice in the matter.

I'd therefore like to make a different kind of suggestion: step away from the computer, go for a walk, and come back to this when you've had a chance to breathe. Then take another look at all the suggestions you've had, and with each one, have a go at thinking of how you would change the idea so that it could work, rather than explaining about why it can't. eg "This idea of going after work on Friday....what if I packed for DH the night before and he slept on a sofa downstairs instead, and I got him a present to say thanks?"