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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think friend should grow a fucking backbone in regards to his stb dw

48 replies

SkylerRose · 29/08/2013 02:04

My dh has been friends with this guy for over 10 years and I've known him for 5. Through another friend we introduced to a lady 15 years older than him (we didn't have a prob with this) since they properly got together last year said friend always has excuse why he can't come round... Doing jobs "surprising " the Missis but she complains that my dh doesn't go round to theirs... He used to till friend lied on phone to oh about dh not being there when he was. We didn't get invited to friend bday coz "she didn't think we would like to travel that far...." It's only 3 fucking miles! They are getting married soon and we did get invited dh was support to be best man but couldn't guarantee getting day off work ( booked my bday off last year and still ended up working) so friends oh lied and said he said yes then no coz had prob with age gap etc and is generally a total bitch. We both found out this week we do have wedding day off but then found out of vicar (did our wedding and doing there's) that rehearsal had already happened, spoken to friend recently and no word about said rehearsal mentioned so we thought fuck it we won't go as she obviously doesn't want her stb dh best friend there. She has isolated him from the few friends he did have and he just goes along with it
Sorry it's so long I'm ranting do all u mn's think wabu to not go after all this shit and more? Oh we moved 8 months ago and has only been to our new flat once when dh brought him in car and dropped him back off! Said no money for bus then went and bought £40 game later.... Also said about presents we were getting for bday and crimbo last year. Both still waiting.....

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 29/08/2013 02:13

OK I am not saying this to be rude, but only parts of what you have said make sense to me.

Onesleeptillwembley · 29/08/2013 02:21

The only way to solve this, my friend, is Jeremy Kyle. Whatever your problem is.

fabergeegg · 29/08/2013 02:23

I may not be the best person to post because I'm not quite sure I 'get it' properly but on the face of it, I've no idea why you are pursuing the friendship like this when others are not really doing so. It sounds like there is hurt and anger on both sides, so everything is now being read in that light. The friend's new wife will probably be quick to pick up if you didn't like her, which would only make it harder for this to change. I think they both sound immature but the new wife might be more accommodating once she's married. If they ask for the money for a bus fare, rise about whatever else they do or don't do with their money. It's their life, not yours.

Don't be stroppy about the gifts or anything like that. Rise above it. If they want to be silly like that, they can do it alone. Like you care anyway. Just ignore it.

Original poster
SkylerRose · 29/08/2013 02:31

I'm tired but can't sleep so not making much sense but I'm not being stroppy about the presents but we have spent the same amount of money on each other for bday and Christmas up until last year. We have basically given up on friend ship but I did like her until she started lieing to ppl and mutual friend about stuff. I just want opinions bout how others would handle things? Btw she has been married 3 times already and the other friend who helped set them up says its the worst mistake we all made! Hmm

OP posts:
jacks365 · 29/08/2013 02:35

I'd drop the friendship but from the sounds of it he's worse than she is. With regards to being best man how could your dh be best man when he couldn't confirm whether he could even attend due to work.

CoolaSchmoola · 29/08/2013 07:21

So your DH was asked to be best man, said yes, but then said no because he couldn't guarantee the day off?

It does sound a bit of a lame excuse, and I'm sure your DH's friend was hurt by the change of mind. Perhaps the DF thought that the reason given sounded like an excuse thought up to cover a change of mind.

As your DH had told them he couldn't guarantee the day off they will have had to find someone else to be best man.

Time passes and your DH finds out he does have the day off, and decides he CAN be best man. But they've already had the rehearsal....

The wedding is y've already had the reh

digerd · 29/08/2013 07:31

She obviously has a natural outward charm, until you get to know her deceitful ways.
I can't stand people who tell lies, so would withdraw from this 'friendship'. What does DH want to do?

digerd · 29/08/2013 07:33

This will be her 4th marriage?ConfusedHmm

FutTheShuckUp · 29/08/2013 07:34

I'm totally and utterly lost. Is there a T. rex and a wasp involved in this story somewhere?

CoolaSchmoola · 29/08/2013 07:35

Sorry. Phone.

The wedding is very soon if they've already had the rehearsal. Your DH said he couldn't guarantee the day off (in your OP you said that the DF said he said yes then no so I'm guessing he told them he couldn't do it) so they replaced him, as anyone would, rather than risk your DH dropping out last minute.

As he was no longer best man there is no reason to tell you about the rehearsal.

It sounds like your DH really upset his friend by not being best man (want a day off? Book a days holiday - legally entitled to them), his df was upset to see him upset, couldn't understand such a naff excuse because generally friends pull out all the stops for such a role, so added two and two together and got five (not a lie rather an incorrect assumption) and they moved on with their wedding plans. Which most people would.

It sounds like you are all crap communicators and that you're all to blame, so stop blaming the friend's df for everything.

Yonionekanobe · 29/08/2013 07:38

What does your DH do for a living that his employer won't honour a prebooked day off to be somebody's best man?

LolaCrayola · 29/08/2013 07:40

I think I wouldn't have wanted your DH to be best man if he couldn't guarantee getting the time off either. What is he that is so fucking important?

Lazyjaney · 29/08/2013 07:51

DH sounds like a knob, in every way.

QuintessentialOldDear · 29/08/2013 08:03

I think friend has actually grown a backbone, about you and your dh! Why mess people around so much? Seems you were making things difficult for them.

Montybojangles · 29/08/2013 08:17

Just ignore her and concentrate on contacting your friend?

Why would they tell you about the rehearsal when your DH had said he possibly couldn't be best man due to work? Clearly his friend would need to sort out a best man he knew he could rely on. That's not snubbing you, just being practical.

It's pretty lame if your DH couldn't guarantee one day off for his best mates wedding. Who on earth does he work for? It's him that needs to try the backbone growing-"boss, I booked this day as leave for my best friends wedding/DW birthday, and I'm sodding well going to take it as leave".

Mojavewonderer · 29/08/2013 08:28

I have to agree with 'olddear'. Leave them to it if you don't agree with how they are being. It's his life and he's old enough to make his own decisions/mistakes.

AnneUulmelmahay · 29/08/2013 08:29

Well quite

If your husband accepted role of bestman then intimated that ackshewelly he might not honour his commitment then ofc he would be replaced

The equal spend on birthday/xmas pressies is a bit childish, stop counting.

raisah · 29/08/2013 08:31

Are you sure you have been invited? I wouldn't be surprised if they sent you an invite for the evening reception only.

The best way to handle it is to be polite & civil if you see them but don't invest time & money on them. Relegate him from best friend role to that of an acquaintance. The problem is theirs not yours and you're just responding to it in an appropriate ways.

Next time you post, please leave spaces between paragraphs & use full stops so it's easier to follow. Thanks.

Original poster
SkylerRose · 29/08/2013 09:07

Originally he said yes as friend was best man for our wedding. Dh works in a supermarket, had arranged to have my bday off then got his shifts changed the week before.... We were really sorry he couldn't guarantee being best man and did try to explain nicely to stb dw.

But she has snubbed a lot of his friends.
Yes this will be her forth marriage. In regards to rehearsal we didn't expect my dh to be put back in role of best man. But the vicar was suprised we didn't know about it as as he put it, u invited her to urs to try and be nice even tho you didn't know her then. And tbh I let her on hen do coz she sulked about not going coz being with best man... I didn't even know her then and she's twice my age so kinda stuck out in the group.
Yes we were invited to the whole day regardless of being best man or not. Friend knows what dh work is like so understands but she doesn't a lot of his old friends are shocked about how she controls him and his money/time.
We are not really trying to be friends anymore as we have both given up with them because of all the hassle.
I'm not sure why I posted , had a bad day at work couldn't sleep and just wanted to rant lol
I guess I just don't understand how someone could let themselves be controlled that much that they let such lies be told about the one who was his best friend and don't bother trying to keep friendship up.

OP posts:
AnneUulmelmahay · 29/08/2013 09:16

I can't believe the vicar commented, unbelievably unprofessional, dearie me.

Tell us about the lies.

QuintessentialOldDear · 29/08/2013 09:16

So your dh had not actually booked a day off for your birthday. He had just arranged his shift patterns to fit in, and then his work changed his shifts!

It is all very strange. Do you understand the difference between arranging your shifts so you have a day free, or officially book a day off from work? If your dh had booked a day off, ie taken a day holiday which means he is not available for work, and he would not get paid for that particular day, they would not have been able to move shifts around so that he had to work after all.

I reckon this is why your friends are Off with you. Your dh said yes to being best man, then no because he was unwilling to book a day off. I think this told friend all he needed to know about your dh and you.

Icelollycraving · 29/08/2013 09:21

This is making my brain ache. I need more coffee to entirely get it.

Montybojangles · 29/08/2013 09:27

Me too Icelolly bizarre

whitemonkey · 29/08/2013 09:32

Why would be invited to the rehearsal if your dh is not the bestman?? It's not an event for all guests.

Go to the wedding, it's your dh's best friend!

firesidechat · 29/08/2013 09:32

Could you please clarify about the rehearsal? Why did you think that you should be invited to this?

The only people who usually go to a wedding rehearsal are bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids and possibly parents. It is designed to make sure that everyone in the wedding party knows where to stand and what to do. Random guests would just get in the way. The vicar sounds strange.