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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset over an old book?

76 replies

Mimstar · 27/08/2013 20:07

When I was a child, I had very little. Vivid memories of my toys being sold to buy food, using birthday money off a relative to buy salad for a birthday tea (I'd had it at a friend's house) etc. I had hardly anything.

When my sister was born when I was 12, things were very different. New marriage, more money etc and so my 3 younger siblings had much more than me. When my sister was born, my Mum 'borrowed' one of my books - a beautiful copy of a classic story which was given to me by a relative when I was a child. This was one of the few things I had.

At the time, I said okay as I was a little old for it by that point anyway.

I now have my own DD, and I asked my Mum if I could have said book back. Sister is now 14. I was told that sister is now 'very attached' to book, and would be sad to give it up - my mum then emailed an ebay link to me so that I could buy my DD a copy.

I am very upset. My 3 siblings have more than I could have ever dreamt of for myself, and this book was the one memorable thing from my childhood. To be told that my precious sister couldn't bear to let it go, and that I should buy another copy on eBay has really upset me. My mum is very sensitive though and I don't think it would go down well to protest.

I just - as usual - feel very unimportant Sad

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 27/08/2013 22:34

I have never said this before, but here goes:

Mimstar, just take the book. It's yours.Smile

Do it when you can, don't say anything. Just wait until the time is right and take it. Morality and the law is on your side. Good luck.Smile

notallytuts · 27/08/2013 22:36

Take it!

I had a similar situation - only I was given the book I didnt really have any right to. Eventually the family member who it had belonged to asked for it back, and whilst I would have loved to have kept it - it was hers! I'm hoping she may pass it on to me one day, as I'd love to pass it onto my kids, but if not I'll have to find another copy.

Original poster
Mimstar · 27/08/2013 22:48

Thank you everybody - wow, posting was a great idea as it's assured me that I'm in the right about wanting my book.

The book is an old copy of Hansel & Gretel. Beautiful illustrations, that made the story not scary. It was just a really lovely book.

Thank you so much for all of the posts, I really felt as though I was being a bit of a brat.

I'm going to email my Mum, I think.

OP posts:
Zoe0504 · 27/08/2013 22:50

Don't give your mum a headsup! she might hide it.

harrietlichman · 27/08/2013 22:54

Get your book - I have several that I have had since childhood, and I just LOVE them. Please update your thread when you have it in your hands!

EugenesAxe · 27/08/2013 22:57

YANBU in my opinion. I would calmly attempt to tell her how I felt and probably burst into aggrieved, angry at the injustice of things, suppressed for years, indignant (I think that's enough to be going along with) tears.

But I've read a bit more of the thread now and actually, just talking it seems a good idea to me. I also agree about why should your sister's hurt trump yours? You are being too hard on yourself.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/08/2013 23:02

OP, You have already mentioned it to her and she has made it clear that she cares not about your ownership and feelings about your book. She is more worried about herself and how she will be seen.Sad

Just take it and be happy that it is yours again.

MistressDeeCee · 28/08/2013 00:26

I agree with what some have said re. speaking to your mum again about this. Dont enter into any dialogue about it. Next time you're at your sister's, take the book back. You may have to do it sneakily as, if your mum's mentioned it to your sis then it may be hidden. Get the book back - however you can. & I still think your mum probably hadnt even spoken to your sister about the book - this is troublemaking shit stirring (no disrespect to your mum) and it does happen.

MissStrawberry · 28/08/2013 07:51

DON'T email your mum. She isn't going to do the right thing and the book will end up "lost." Just take it next time you are there. Don't mention it again and don't buy your sister another one. If your mum wants her to have it that much, and favours her, let HER buy one.

picnicbasketcase · 28/08/2013 08:17

No, don't email her! just ho and get it. be brave and retrieve your property. If you tell her, there's a possibility that she will tell your sister and it'll be hidden or something because she's so 'attached' to it. I'm really bloody Angry on your behalf actually.

I'm just surprised that thus far you've never exploded at them and told them how hurt you are at what sounds like utterly unequal treatment.

42andcounting · 28/08/2013 23:52

What 14 year old needs a copy of Hansel and Gretel? YANBU, take it back, and if they complain, ask if they don't think maybe she's a bit old for it now?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 29/08/2013 00:00

I'd just take it back too. Don't e-mail her or mention it again, just snaffle it back sometime. It's yours.

Dubjackeen · 29/08/2013 00:02

Agree with those who said take it back. Say nothing and if you do get any grief, buy a cheap version, and present it to your mum... Wink

LeoandBoosmum · 29/08/2013 00:10

Mimstar, when did you last see your book? I don't want to upset you but I'm wondering if your mum actually knows where your book is! I just think her insistence that your sister would know the difference between your original and another copy sounds odd... I hope you do get your book back.

zipzap · 29/08/2013 00:30

I would point out that your sis is now older than you were when you were considered too old to have the book and it was taken from you for your sis to have on loan.

Thus it is exactly appropriate to take the book from her - you were attached to the book and still had it taken away. Why is the same not OK for her?

And if either your mum or sis try to throw the blame on to you for wanting it and causing problems, point out that they are the ones that are causing the problems, you are just picking up the ONE thing you have from your childhood that you can pass on to your children. Your sis have lots of things that they can pass on to their children. It's not that you begrudge them the fact they have had much more than you ever had as a child - good luck to them. But that doesn't mean you are going to be everybody's pushover forever and hand over everything to them at the expense of your own children now. That you are really upset at being continually treated as the second class citizen by them all. I bet they wouldn't hand over any of their treasured books to you with their names in for your children to read even though they are now to old for them. Why should you not have your book?

And if sis gets precious about it and your mum doesn't want a scene so thinks you should cave in - well it will do your sis good to return something that was loaned to her. And if you make a scene now, maybe they won't walk over you quite as much in the future (she says hopefully).

Make sure you practise everything you are going to do and say in your head before you go, work through every scenario, know how you are going to respond if they start to pester you or be mean or just say no or whatever, so that you can deal with it there and then, not get home and think of a fab retort 3 hours later when you're lying in bed mulling over what happened!

zipzap · 29/08/2013 00:31

hmmm. that wasn't an ebay link to a copy of hans and gretel that she was selling by any chance was it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/08/2013 06:14

Be prepared for the book not to be in plain sight when you next go round. If you're not especially close to your sister and she can be, er, brattish volatile and your mum has raised this in conversation, she may even have disposed of it or hidden it.

Perhaps because it has your name in it your sister cherishes it ..? Or is your sister's attachment to it all invented by your mother who likes to whitewash or prettify the past.

Maybe I do them both an injustice. Maybe next birthday or Christmas whichever comes first they'll wrap it up for you and give it back, (cheeky but at least it would be back with its rightful owner).

Sorry you feel this is another exanple of being dismissed or low in the family pecking order. I am sure by contrast you make every effort to boost your DCs' confidence and take care not to play favourites.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 29/08/2013 07:03

I hope you find the book when you next visit. I agree it needs to be taken by stealth.

Catsize · 29/08/2013 07:09

Yeah, next visit I'd say 'Oh, I am just going to go and get the X book. I so loved it when I was a child and would love to share it with DC. Dearest sister, I am sure your children will love it to when they come to visiit me and DC. Perhaps it can become a family heirloom'. By the time your sister has kids, she will probably have forgotten about it, so the family heirloom bit can go down your line only! If your mum gives you a hard time, say that you are very grateful she didn't sell this, as it is so special to you. Perhaps she thinks you don't remember the selling of your toys, and she might be a bit humbled? Hopefully! Good luck!

vtechjazz · 29/08/2013 08:43

Could you take something of hers that she actually loves, and hold it hostage if she has hidden the book? Then arrange a swap in a neutral location away from mother.

Or, would the brat little darling take cold hard cash?

Montybojangles · 29/08/2013 08:57

Don't email. Just go round and as you leave say something like-I'll just be getting MY hansel and Gretel book now. Brook no arguement.

It has my name in it, it is mine. It means a lot to me.
This was given to me and I was good enough to lend it to you, but I now want it back.
do you remember when I was small and we had to sell my x,y and z to tide us over. This book is very important to me as one of the few things that is mine from my early years.
Im sure my DS will get over this, it's not like she doesn't have dozens of other books, unlike me as a child.
No I am not going to change my mind. This is important to me, and so should be important to you too.

Then take it and walk away. The end.

mynameismskane · 30/08/2013 23:24

Did you go?!

Wilma123 · 31/08/2013 03:10

This happened to me my parents emigrated with my 3 step siblings and took everything - these three were very indulged and still are! I asked for a really sentimental book to be returned but it had been sold in a yard sale!! I found a copy on eBay - I totally understand feeling unimportant and a bit of a dick coz I made a fuss -

ChasedByBees · 31/08/2013 19:14

That's horrible Wilma. :( OP I hope you have it back.

HollaAtMeBaby · 31/08/2013 19:20

Have you posted about this before?

Anyway, YANBU. Take it back.