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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why I've been invited to this party?

35 replies

WAWD · 25/08/2013 08:17

Have just received a Facebook Message Invite from a friend who is helping organise some other person's 40th party at a big nightclub.

Thing is, the birthday girl defriended me some time ago on facebook. I genuinely have no idea why. I was a bit puzzled but thought 'oh well, I don't know her very well, we don't socialise, never talk, etc. Fair enough'. We definitely had not enough contact for me to offend her by anything. I guess, personally, in this situation, I would go for 'restricting' not 'defriending', especially given we live in a small town and may bump into one another (suppose I try to avoid social awkwardness).

So, given this, the invite came as a bit of a surprise. I'm wondering if I've been pulled in to 'make up the numbers' tbh, and on that basis am inclined to just opt out. WWYD? And what would you give as the reason for that to the mutual friend who's helping organise?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 25/08/2013 08:21

I would just decline the invitation if you don't want to go. You don't need to give a reason

Tee2072 · 25/08/2013 08:26

Sorry, can't make it.

That's all you need to say.

ZillionChocolate · 25/08/2013 08:26

Do you want to go? As you haven't had a big falling out I don't see any problem with you going. If it's a party, rather than an intimate meal, it shouldn't be awkward.

Maybe tell friend who invited you that you're not sure and explain about the fb thing and see if she can shed any light on it.

lollilou · 25/08/2013 08:29

Although I am on and use facebook I don't know the difference between restricting/defriending so perhaps she was just trying to cut her 'friends' list?

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 08:41

You can restrict the information you post on your wall by just selecting who you actually want to see that. I ve always thought that was a good way of controlling layers of friends (ie. some people you don't mind knowing certain details of your life; others are more 'acquaintances'.

It's got me wondering though what emotional valency the act of 'defriending' has. It didn't matter in the grand scheme of life that birthday girl had 'defriended' me though I personally use it as a final act of cutting free from someone - which is why I was puzzled about subsequent invite. Not bothered especially about the party, especially if the invite is based purely on me functioning to make up the numbers. Would be nice to drink and dance with mutual friends but not sure it's very nice just to go on that basis. I may have a word with the organiser friend.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 25/08/2013 08:44

Sounds like they want to have big numbers and lots of presents.

raisah · 25/08/2013 09:03

Don't go as the invite didn't come from the birthday girl but from your mutual organiser friend. The birthday girl maybe rude to you on the night if you turn up as she didn't invite you herself. Just a simple " Thanks for the invite but I am unavailable that night" is sufficient.

Amibambini · 25/08/2013 09:15

People use fb in different ways. I personally wouldn't take a de-friending personally. Maybe she just wanted a really small fb circle with just immediate mates she sees all the time? I've de-friended people who I don't mind at all in real life, but they just post too much dumb stuff, it's just part of keeping a streamlined fb. Judge wether you want to go to her party or not on your relationship with her in real life.

LynetteScavo · 25/08/2013 09:24

But I haven't accepted someone's request on FB becasue I only know them vaguely through work. We do have several mutual freinds, tough, so FB tells me.

I would however invite her if I was having a big party, as I know she would know people there and have a great time. Then I would bring her into my FB fold, which is reserved only for very special people.

JenaiMorris · 25/08/2013 10:08

When I was arranging a friend's 40th I invited (via FB) pretty much everyone I thought she might know. I couldn't possibly know the intricacies of her relationships with them all and it was a surprise party so I couldn't ask - I just trusted people to ignore/decline if the invitation wasn't welcome.

Might this be what's happened here?

mrsjay · 25/08/2013 10:26

TBh it sounds like they want big numbers was it an event of facebook does the friend know she defriended you ? i would just say no, facebook is a funny place sometimes as people are invited or included in all sorts it is quite random

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 11:29

Jena, am pretty sure the organiser would have checked with birthday girl first but am left wondering if birthday girl just felt awkward to say she didnt want me (another friend was invited at same time).

It may have been billed as a facebook event but I wouldn t hv been on birthday girls' friends list as I d been defriended. So this is an additional effort to invite. Am going to have to have a quiet word with the organiser and just confirm birthday knows and is happy for me to be invited. Not sure how I feel about going if invite is just to make up numbers though. It's going to cost re a coach there and back, drinks, present, etc. i wouldn't mind if she wanted me there genuinely but just to fill the club...?

OP posts:
SlobAtHome · 25/08/2013 11:36

Most people just invite everyone. TBH I doubt much thought went into inviting you. I would ignore it and not go.

Mia4 · 25/08/2013 11:45

Does she use fb still OP? If you don't use for a long time you disappear of people's friends lists.

If you didn't (and don't) have much in common or socialise then personally I'd decline.

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 11:57

Mia - that can't be right. I don't interact with a fair few of my 'friends', nor them with me but they are still on my list. Yes, I ve stopped getting their notifications of wall posts but they are still listed as my friends.

She still uses facebook. She posts on the organiser's wall which I see as she's a close friend of mine.

I probably won't go, I don't think. One worry I had was that Organiser suggested me and Birthday Girl didn't feel she could say no - because I'm close friend with Organiser/other mutual friends were going/Organiser was helping so much.

I d hate to be there and not feel 100pc welcome - or make her feel awkward at her own birthday party.

OP posts:
musicposy · 25/08/2013 12:03

I've defriended people I still like because they post crap every 5 mins and I don't want to see it. Or because I have so many aquaintances I don't get to connect with my close friends on there. More recently I've realised I can just hide all their posts duh! There may be less emotional investment in the defriending than you think.

Mia4 · 25/08/2013 12:53

It happened to my friends boyfriend. After a year he disappeared off and because his settings are 'hidden', he had to come back online so people could see him- they couldn't find him despite still being friends. It's not about interacting with you, it's about not interacting with anyone.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 25/08/2013 12:58

I think your placing to much importance on the facebook thing tbh. Not everyone uses it in the same way and I know I have accidentally sent friend requests and stuff without realising it.

Like musicposy I hidden and deleted people who post cryptic, needy posts every too seconds. Plus photographs of your dinner is an automatic deletion offence too! Doesn't mean I don't like them just don't want their drivel appearing my news feed continuously.

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 13:28

FWIW, don't think I've ever posted pics of my dinner - or a needy cryptic post. Yes, perhaps people use facebook in various ways. She may have just wanted a streamlined list of close friends but for her 40th birthday party, doesn't mind acquaintances coming along

OP posts:
WetGrass · 25/08/2013 16:02

But declining a party invite based on a FB snub is the very definition of a needy & cryptic FB friend that needs a digital detox to free them of the blue beast of emotional billboarding.

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 19:03

Well WetGrass, you're entitled.. And all that. But - I'm not especially needy, to be honest. It's more about a social situation in which I find myself. I hadn't really experienced it as a snub (read the while thread) but just found it a bit perplexing that I'd now got an invite and was trying to make sense of it.

Sorry if I've collapsed your theory - but that's all there was to it, I'm afraid :)

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 25/08/2013 19:12

I know people who use fb defriending to make a point, maybe about people posting continuous crap, or maybe because of a percieved slight where someone hasn't been as "supportive" as they might have been about an ambiguous post (it really happens Hmm), or just because they have 7894 "friends" and have just realised that they never actually interact with half of them and want to cut it down a bit. I can never be bothered to do anything about it tbh, but I have though about it quite often! Wink

Justforlaughs · 25/08/2013 19:13

Should have said, that if you are uncomfortable with it don't go. It doesn't need to be a big deal, just say you have plans/ washing your hair

Original poster
WAWD · 25/08/2013 19:22

Personal involvement aside, I do find all this really interesting from an academic point of view. How facebook or new media technology offers a version/versions of friendship that are played out differently to RL friendships? How you can feel you 'know' somebody 1000 of miles away but not the people in your street; how complex the new 'rules' of social engagement are - and what happens when people define these differently? (eg. like 'defriending'). All very fascinating. Might just go to the party as a research exercise ;)

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 25/08/2013 19:30

WAWD another thing about interacting through social media, is the nuances that you don't get. The intonation and more subtle meanings of speech. The sarcasm that is taken as written; the lying that you would pick up on, immediately, in real life. I often find people "screaming" at each other over a total misunderstanding that wouldn't have happened if they had been speaking to each other, rather than typing on a laptop. Sad really. I wonder if Tidy's thread would ever have happened if they hadn't emailed in the frst place Wink, just think what we would have missed out on Grin