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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know WHAT to think? Can you help me shed some light on it please?

74 replies

Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 20:41

Long story. But the short and the long of it is....

My MIL has 2 sons and a daughter. I married the middle boy Grin

Each of them has a daughter - so MIL is a granny of three girls (two years or less apart in age).

Historically, MIL not keen on me but appears to like my posh SIL.

Today was one of my nieces birthday parties (MIL's daughter/ hubbys sisters child). It was a big family doo.

My other SIL was there with her daughter.

I was there with mine.

Both my nieces had on matching, expensive looking party dresses. One was the birthday girl of course and the other was her cousin too. I head my SIL say to some distant relation that MIL had bought them matching dresses.

AIBU to think it is a bit weird to buy two out of three of your grand daughters matching dresses and not the third? It was a family only party and they were the only three little girls there. All cousins.

My daughter spotted their matching dresses. I distracted her and did not look as if I noticed whatsoever. But inside I did and I think it was a bit wide of MIL.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Zipitydooda · 25/08/2013 00:11

Your DH and SILs are all in the wrong here too. Don't ANY of them pull her up on this unacceptable behaviour?

Rise above it and tell yourself you are better than them. Buy all 3 girls matching outfits for Christmas so they can all be matching but don't elaborate on why.

Ragusa · 25/08/2013 00:30

What a hideous old witch. I would just be dead straight, and say "I felt a bit sad on DD's behalf that she didn't have a matching dress. She loves her cousins and wld have liked to join in. Was it an oversight or was there a reason she didn't get one too?

You are not 'one of them' and you have not done a runner on your kids like she did. She may find you threatening and therefore want to keep you o(and by extension your DD) outside her (fragile, by the sounds of it) family unit.

Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 00:38

Or..stealth campaign... Talk to the other mother. Specifically, the mother of the girl who isn't the posh SIL. Ask WTF is the old bag up to? Much more effective if they start to reject this kind of thing on your behalf.

Sparklysilversequins · 25/08/2013 00:41

Mean, and I would have said something there and then.

MunchMunch · 25/08/2013 01:24

What about saying something like "it's no secret you don't like me but don't take it out on dd by excluding her like you did when you bought dn's the matching dresses"

GrandstandingBlueTit · 25/08/2013 06:14

The mother of the girl who isn't the posh SIL is MIL's own daughter. The OP's DH's sister. So if she's not already 'on side' it's unlikely she's going to be won over. But maybe worth a try...

Lazyjaney · 25/08/2013 06:46

I think your DH needs to step up here, it's his job to sort this not yours.

ExitPursuedByABear · 25/08/2013 06:46

Why are some people so cruel?

Optimist1 · 25/08/2013 07:17

I've been racking my brain to come up with a logical reason why a grandmother would be so unfair. The only scenario I can come up with is this ... did the mothers of the girls with the dresses actually go shopping together and buy the dresses? Then when your MIL saw them she offered to pay for both?

(Not sure I'm ready for position as Devil's Advocate yet, but I'm trying!!)

StupidFlanders · 25/08/2013 07:32

I'd send a text:
DD loved the dresses you bought your other gcs; where did you buy them?

AntoinetteCosway · 25/08/2013 07:38

She didn't give you a Christmas present? In front of the rest of the family? Sad

CakeInMyFace · 25/08/2013 08:45

I'm always so shocked by things like this. What is wrong with some people? I was the favoured grandchild of my dads mum and nobody ever addressed it. I saw what it did to my sister and to this day it has affected her. I would speak up as it WILL get worse if you don't and these things really can have a huge impact on a child. Its your child and her feelings need to come before your mil IMO

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 25/08/2013 08:55

Thanks for the advice guys.

MUCH appreciated!

Nah, they do not shop together - though would be nice if that were the reason!

I am not sure why I excuse my husband? I think because I know how hard it is to talk to her and I don't think he has a natural relationship with her either. I don't feel its fair to load it on him. He is crap at this type of thing too.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/08/2013 09:12

This is going back to page 1, but how do you pronounce loveeeeeeeeeees?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/08/2013 09:17

It must be hard but it is even less fair to let this slide for your dd...you should tackle this with dh for dds.sake....it will be awful if this sort of thing happens again and again....it will affect her and you must protect her before dh.

ThreeGoMad · 25/08/2013 09:27

I don't really get all the vitriol but this is exactly the kind of thing my mum would do, through fuckwittery rather than malice.

nokidshere · 25/08/2013 09:30

My mum has been playing this game for many many years. She treats one part of quite a large family like royalty and the rest like an inconvenience to be barely tolerated. She makes inane excuses for her behaviour, and often denies she does it at all. We all call her on it but it makes no difference.

But, she reaps what she sows - she is disabled and lonely despite having daughters, grandchildren and great grandchildren living within walking distance because they won't see her now and the favoured family live some distance away.

Say something every time and keep your distance until she makes amends.

PoppyWearer · 25/08/2013 09:38

I would send the text suggested by StupidFlanders.

It makes it clear that your DD feels left out, and that you are prepared to spend your own money to correct her failings as a grandmother, but without actually saying any of that. Grin

What an awful thing to have done!

stupidlybroody · 25/08/2013 10:24

This makes me so sad for you're DD.

I'm not a confrontational person either but I imagine if my DM or MIL did this I would have to say something.

Please say something and make your other half realise this is spiteful behaviour. If she doesn't see eye to eye with you, fair enough. But taking that out on her own grand daughter is incredibly mean, and frankly worrying, behaviour. You're adult relationship with your MIL shouldn't affect how she treats her DGD, but that seems to be the case here.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 25/08/2013 10:34

Please say something before your daughter stats to notice

beepoff · 25/08/2013 10:52

Could you play dumb? "What a coincidence at x's birthday that x and her cousin turned up in the same dress!" In front of other family members ideally. Shrill laugh. See what she says.

Then you could always say "it's funny because I thought I overheard someone say YOU bought the girls the dresses."

beepoff · 25/08/2013 10:53

Oh and she is a class A bitch who has damaged her DS' self esteem.

foslady · 25/08/2013 11:59

I used to see this time and time again with my 1st husband and his family - he used to do anything and everything for his parents and his sister was awful, but MIL used to pander to her every whim. Most of the time my exh used to block it out, but now and again it would get too much and I used to be left mopping up the pieces of how hurt he was by it all. Really needs sorting one way or another, you can't carry on like this without it impacting on the next generation.

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 25/08/2013 15:20

You guys are right.

You have given me food for thought.

I do believe that my MIL may have damaged DH self esteem - he expects nothing from anybody.

OP posts:
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