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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know WHAT to think? Can you help me shed some light on it please?

74 replies

Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 20:41

Long story. But the short and the long of it is....

My MIL has 2 sons and a daughter. I married the middle boy Grin

Each of them has a daughter - so MIL is a granny of three girls (two years or less apart in age).

Historically, MIL not keen on me but appears to like my posh SIL.

Today was one of my nieces birthday parties (MIL's daughter/ hubbys sisters child). It was a big family doo.

My other SIL was there with her daughter.

I was there with mine.

Both my nieces had on matching, expensive looking party dresses. One was the birthday girl of course and the other was her cousin too. I head my SIL say to some distant relation that MIL had bought them matching dresses.

AIBU to think it is a bit weird to buy two out of three of your grand daughters matching dresses and not the third? It was a family only party and they were the only three little girls there. All cousins.

My daughter spotted their matching dresses. I distracted her and did not look as if I noticed whatsoever. But inside I did and I think it was a bit wide of MIL.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 21:01

What does DH say about it?

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 21:01

I am also glad I am not being a pathetic fool by feeling hurt by it.

I do try not to sweat the small stuff but somethings need picked up on.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 21:01

Oh I see! He sees no problem! What? I think you DO have to say something then!

YES you can do it or your DD will soon notice...and you can't have that!

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 21:03

Truthfully, he says nothing.

He was like 'oh'.

I do not stress him over stuff with her as he somehow just does not understand why I care. And I do not have you all there to back me when I say why I do!

(I am too low maintenance for my own good!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 21:05

In this instance I feel I would like to satisfaction of speaking with MIL.

It has taken 11 years but I do believe that it may be time to have

a small chat with her.

Problem is, a chat with her will be a story thats grown arms and legs by the time it has reached her daughter and my other SIL.

I will end up the bad guy.

OP posts:
squoosh · 24/08/2013 21:05

Wow, that is mean.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to leave it. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing but I would be pretty straight with her about not appreciating her childish displays of favouritism.

You may not like confrontation but you need to have a word.

Buzzardbird · 24/08/2013 21:07

My mother treats my DD like this and very soon I am going to have to have it out with her before my DD notices. I will not have my DD think I don't stand up for her but A) I don't believe in acting 'entitled' and B) if DD doesn't notice I am not saying anything because 'what you don't get, you don't have to be grateful for'...that will be her 'entitled' cousins department Grin

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 21:12

WHY do people DO this?

Seems soooooooooooo mean to me.

I couldn't sleep at night if I did!

OP posts:
Shlurpbop · 24/08/2013 21:12

Oh that is so mean of your MIL. Nasty woman.

Although i do think your husband should grow a pair and care more about his daughter and his mother's treatment of her!

jacks365 · 24/08/2013 21:13

Shame you didn't comment at the party. You mention others will have noticed but they don't know that it's because your mil didn't buy your dd a dress they may be led to believe that you didn't let her wear it. Before you tackle mil tackle dh and make him see how this is unfair to your dd, you need him onside for this as it could get nasty. Good luck.

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:13

It's not only weird but bloody nasty too. Your hubby needs to be talking to his mother. I would have walked straight out I'm afraid.

cocolepew · 24/08/2013 21:17

Did your DH not say anything when she didn't get you a Christmas present?

LindyHemming · 24/08/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 24/08/2013 21:21

Say nothing, smile sweetly, and mentally twat the old cow whenever you see her.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 24/08/2013 21:29

People like this count on you not saying anything to keep the peace.

She doesn't care about your feelings and sensibilities. Why should you take such great care to walk on eggshells around her?

You don't have to make a big deal of it. You just need to let her know it's been noticed. Each and every time.

TSSDNCOP · 24/08/2013 21:38

I could sit and watch everyone else open a present and feel just a bit Hmm, but if my child were to be the subject of a spiteful exclusion campaign you'd get both barrels.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 21:38

Well you need to let him know how upsetting this is...you need to tell him and then tell her. She sounds like a cow and the SILS are just as bad. If one of my DDs grandparents bought my DD and one other a dress and didn't do the same for all the cousins I'd not accept it! Like you, we have a lot of DD cousins...all around the same age...6 of them...if Mum bought two a dress and not the others, there'd be hell to pay!|

DorisIsWaiting · 24/08/2013 21:45

I think I would certainly be looking for a chat along the lines of "if you won't treat them all the same, I will not stand by and see my daughter hurt.. and you will not be seeing her."

And as for gifts for Christmas I do hope you're leaving that slog to 'd'h this year! (If he can be bothered Smile)

GrandstandingBlueTit · 24/08/2013 21:49

See, if you confront her and say, 'why didn't you buy my DD a dress as well, she's clearly been deliberately left out, and it's mean, etc, etc' then MIL can clearly twist that around to laugh at you being ridiculously over-sensitive and a drama queen, and as if she's ever leave her own DGD out - the very notion!!

Whereas, if you say, 'the matching dresses are lovely on the girls. Didn't they have a third one for DD?' she's left to fill in the gaps and explain her way out of it, defend her actions, etc. And you don't seem in the slightest bit unreasonable.

There are ways and ways of doing things.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 24/08/2013 21:54

You can't threaten the MIL with not seeing her grand-daughter over an issue like this. Tempting as it might be.

Original poster
Ididabravebravething · 24/08/2013 22:11

thanks ladies!

grandstandingblue I think your way may be the best way in this situ.

Hard to discuss with DH. He has an unusual relationship with his DM. She left them and he was brought up by his father (they all were).

I think he is grateful just to have her in his life atall.

OP posts:
Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 22:29

That's awful :( She sounds a horrible woman.

That's the kind of thing my parents would do. My sister's children are favoured over mine and often she will have kitted them out with new coats and shoes and my children will get nothing.

I would say definitely speak to her about it, in the way that Grandstanding has suggested

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 23:21

With all due respect OP...hard to discuss or not, you need to do something or your DD will be hurt by this woman. I don't know why you keep excusing DH regarding his reactions and lack of action really. It's not nice for your DD.

squoosh · 24/08/2013 23:27

Your DH needs to realise that being a father to a small child outweighs being a grown up son to his horrible sounding mother.

Someone needs to have a word with her.

ThreeGoMad · 25/08/2013 00:08

If it's going to niggle at you then mention it, but like PP's softly softly approach rather than all guns blazing.

Is it possible that, as someone mentioned above, they were shopping together, or your MIL didn't want to offend you by dictating what your DD should wear to a family party?

Tbh it sounds as though you don't particularly like each other so I would just avoid as much as possible.