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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel frustrated with another unwanted gift?

43 replies

ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 13:30

DM keeps making things for us - clothes for DD, room decorations, artwork etc. We've never hinted or mentioned we want such things, and unfortunately they are never to our taste or style.

DSDad has suggested she asks us if we'd like these things and then perhaps we could have some input into colours or design but she doesn't.

I know this sounds dreadfully ungrateful but it's really hard to handle as DM is very sensitive and overreacts to any form of criticism.

She's just text me about the latest thing which is huge personalised wall thing. Just not very us I'm afraid.

Part of the frustration is her making this is because its about her being wonderful for making it rather than us wanting it. So we end up looking ungrateful and horrible and frustrated because its this ridiculous situation where I can't say anything.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 23/08/2013 13:34

Oh difficult. But you shouldn't have to display things in your house that you don't like. She's imposing her taste on you.

I'm afraid I think you need to tell her. One or two pieces you could put discreetly more or less out of sight, but not if the numbers of them are increasing.

Original poster
ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 13:37

It's such a hard situation because there's no consideration as to whether we want these things just they are thrust upon us with a "look what I've made for you".

Maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised by this latest thing.

OP posts:
MisselthwaiteManor · 23/08/2013 13:37

Get her on to etsy/folksy. She might not make much money but it'll give her another outlet rather than giving it all to you.

Original poster
ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 13:40

I've suggested etsy etc but I'm not sure the stuff is that good Blush. Plus we seem to be the guinea pigs for the latest idea...

OP posts:
Mydelilah · 23/08/2013 13:42

My MIL does this - with her it's embroidered things, cushions, bags, stuff I'm supposed to frame etc. she doesn't do it with any type of mean spirit/self interest, she just REALLY loves embroidery and likes to have something to work on!

Fortunately she lives in a different country so doesn't visit often, but still I think she's realised without me saying that I don't really want this type of stuff as i don't put it on display in my house. She is currently embroidering birthdate cushions for my DC 'to use at Gramma's house' when they are there.

Is there any possibility you could admire, thank her for her efforts, but just not put the stuff out....?

stopprocrastinating · 23/08/2013 13:43

I'd try to find a way of blending it to be honest. Downstairs loo wall? Get creative with how you accessorise the stuff and where you put it? I'm clutching at straws but don't think it's worth upsetting her.

DH's nan likes doing cross stitch, and I hang them in the utility.

I'm not that fussy about house though.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 23/08/2013 13:44

TBH, if the stuff is not that good, maybe trying to sell on etsy would make her realize that!

I think there's a line somewhere between misguided generosity and understandable desire to show off your skill, and being manipulative. She is being manipulative if the stuff she's giving you is this frequent and this big, IMO.

I think I would explain it to her not in terms of you disliking her taste, but in terms of you wanting space and opportunity to exercise your own taste. Point out that when she constantly gives you things, you're not able to buy your own wall hanging (or leave the bloody wall clear, obviously!). After all, if she enjoys making and planning this sort of stuff, she ought to be able to understand that other people enjoy it too.

WeleaseWodger · 23/08/2013 13:45

Start making your own art and gifting it to her. Bet the sensitive soul wouldn't have any problems telling you it's not to her taste and handing it back to you.

PoppyWearer · 23/08/2013 13:50

You have my sympathy, we have a family member who is very talented at needlework and we have tried suggesting items or colour schemes that would fit in with our house, but what we end up with is what they decided to make instead.

So it gets folded away in a cupboard. WTF is the point if it doesn't get used/seen?!

Original poster
ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 13:52

I called DH and he said about the downstairs loo so that we don't upset her.

Ridiculous.

I'm going to text back asking if we can see it first (shes designing it on the computer) as that kind of thing isn't usually our cuppa and would hate to waste her efforts.

OP posts:
bourneout · 23/08/2013 13:54

would she noticed if you just quietly gave it away? My DMIL is always buying us random unwanted crap and most of it ends up on ebay or in the charity shop. She never asks after it.

Wall hanging is tricky though. How old is DD? Could she be persuaded to be let loose on the hanging with a pack of felt tips? Smile

Libertine73 · 23/08/2013 13:56

a huge wall hanging?? Eeek! I really don't know what I'd do,I sympathise though if that helps?

MisselthwaiteManor · 23/08/2013 13:57

Oh yes a few careless 'accidents' and she might not want to let you have any more if you can't take care of it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/08/2013 13:58

My MIL buys us loads of those inspirational sayings on a scrolly thing for the wall. Sad She's very well meaning but HOW can people just assume that other people have their taste?

Original poster
ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 14:06

Neo that's exactly the kind of thing. This is personalised too which just isn't us. No idea if it'll be huge or not.

Maybe she's just getting me back for the useless tat I used to get for her when I was a kid.

Gah. Haven't sent the text, not usual to vet 'presents' before you receive them but feel I need to nip this in the bud before we get something for every room.

We've always had vastly different tastes - books, clothes, home decor.

OP posts:
StudentFuming · 23/08/2013 14:40

oh poor you! I really want to see some photos!

Perhaps you could send her in the direction of a local farmers market or craft fair or something?

Or you could start your own productions to pass on to her?...or start buying her large cumbersome things in charity shops, regularly.........

The problem is you say something is nice or flatter somebody once and they think you'll appreciate being gifted with the stuff all the time.

LookingThroughTheFog · 23/08/2013 14:45

Are you in a position where you can channel her. 'Oh, Mum, the school/nursery/cubs are doing a Christmas fete. You know how rubbish I am at making stuff like that, but you're brilliant! Any chance you might find time to some cross-stitch/embroidery/peg-dollies? I hate to ask, because I know how much you do for us, but to be honest, I think there need is far greater at the moment. I'm sure your stuff would be an absolute hit!'

That way it's for you, so she has a purpose for doing it, and it's also not for you, so you can keep the tat out of your house.

Original poster
ChickenLickenSticken · 23/08/2013 14:49

DD isn't school age yet but that is a good idea.

There are a few bits I would like her to make for our house if when we get round to doing those rooms.

But she has said that she finds it hard to create to order Hmm.

Still haven't sent the text. Now I'm totally over thinking it all.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 23/08/2013 14:52

Fog's idea is brilliant - you need to find a charity and get her to make things for the fete.

And while we're on the topic, I'd just like to say that DH and I have a cat. Yes, we are fond of our cat. No, we do not want to receive a constant stream of cat-themed presents.

GruffBillyGoat · 23/08/2013 14:58

DP read this and thought that I had written it about "D"Mil. I tend to find the first person who compliments it, and then try and give it to them. 9 times out of 10 we all end up happy, I no longer have the heinous item and my friend thinks they just got a lovely gift (I am always honest about my less than altruistic intentions).

ChippingInHopHopHop · 23/08/2013 15:12

Been there, done that. I put it behind the settee. After a few months my Dad came around and hung it on the wall 'as we obviously didn't have the time to do it' :) Grrrrr.

I feel your pain.

I also feel I might be in the same position again in the near future - sigh.

Dahlen · 23/08/2013 15:24

Does she live close? As in popping-in distance?

I used to have a whole cupboard devoted to tasteless 'gifts' donated by various family members (mainly one). They would come out on display whenever they were due to visit, but be out of sight for the rest of the time. That only worked because I lived too far away for impromptu visits though.

elQuintoConyo · 23/08/2013 15:41

Tell her. Nicely, but with full eye contact. Otherwise it'll end in tears, everyone's tears.

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2013 17:16

Just do what my friends's MIL did when she felt burdened by the excessive photos of her grandchildren forced on her (copies of school photos, twice yearly Hmm) and tell her "don't send any more; I've run out of walls"...

youshouldwriteabook · 23/08/2013 17:26

My spinster cousin has fazes of nightschool courses - decoupage, crossstitch, car making etc and we've had some truly hideous gifts. I am quite environmentally friendly so I recycle them at a local charity shop (not in her town ) - we're quite minimalist Ikea type house (apart from all the kids plastic crap !) and lilac decoupage flower pictures don't appeal to us........I rest content that some old dear will love buying them for 50p !