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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

uninvited to wedding

82 replies

treesntrees · 22/08/2013 18:32

am I being unreasonable to be upset that son and daughter in law have been un-invited to cousin's wedding because they were late RSPBing due to difficulties in arranging child care for child free wedding?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 22/08/2013 21:10

6 weeks before is not much time to arrange numbers for caterers etc.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 21:11

i presume the cousin is the groom then and the Brides Mother is 'in charge' In this circs i think yanbu and she sounds unpleasant. Maybe the cousin can step in?

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 21:12

When were the invitations sent? I only sent mine 10-12 weeks before the wedding. Is 6 weeks close then? Our caterers needed final numbers a couple of weeks before.

parakeet · 22/08/2013 21:14

I do think that for most people, by six weeks before the wedding they are wanting to finalise numbers. How long had your son been sitting on the invite for?

And don't you think that there's a touch of "being peeved that it's a child-free wedding" about all this?

solarbright · 22/08/2013 21:14

Yes, it was rude to uninvite them under those circumstances, particularly if done by bride's mother with little grace.

However it doesn't seem that they ever actually secured childcare, and they must realise that there will be a cost to the wedding couple if they do not have confirmed numbers. So I also think the invitees were rude not to simply reply, sorry, tried to find childcare but no luck and don't want to keep you waiting.

A lack of politeness all round, really.

Lweji · 22/08/2013 21:16

There must have been a reason why they had an early RSVP date.

How late were they?

Did they confirm they were going or were beaten to it by the groom's mother?

Lweji · 22/08/2013 21:17

Sorry, bride's mother.

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/08/2013 21:19

We had to pay the final balance for our caterers 6 weeks before so we needed final numbers. The lady making the table plan needed four weeks notice.

Deemail · 22/08/2013 21:22

I would not take any information delivered second hand as gospel, I would speak to the people who issued the invite.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 21:23

i suppose it's proportionate to when the invitations were sent and how far past the cut off date was then. If they had the invitations 6 months earlier then i would expect to have things sorted by 6 wks before.

Original poster
treesntrees · 22/08/2013 21:28

The cousin is the bride and her parents said they needed definite numbers six weeks before. I am working really hard to excuse this "un-invited" message as I understand organising a wedding is stressful but sometimes my hurt surfaces. I don't want to express this in RL as I am not good with words and don't want to cause a rift in the family. I daresay I will get over it in time.
Yes the invitations were sent about the same length of time as yours MrsKoala

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 22/08/2013 21:29

How long before the date did they RSVP?

If it was only 6 weeks and then they were immediately told that their places had been reallocated, then that's fair enough of the B&G.

If they had only asked for an extra week or two after the RSVP date that was five months before the wedding, and apologised for having to reply late, then YANBU.

MrsLouisTheroux · 22/08/2013 21:34

TBH if it's 200 miles away and would mean 2 nights/3 days babysitting due to no children being invited, would they be really so sorry to miss the big event?

TravelinColour · 22/08/2013 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 22/08/2013 21:41

It depends, but if that was the due date, then they should have said yes and if they couldn't attend, give a good enough gift.

If it was an arbitrary date, then YANBU, if the caterer had to be paid, then YABU.

RenterNomad · 22/08/2013 21:41

You've been a very good sport about all the teasing,trees. Smile

Viviennemary · 22/08/2013 21:46

If a confirmation of the numbers had to be given to the caterers by a certain date then they should have replied before then. But usually caterers are flexible about extra people if needed. They haven't exactly been 'uninvited' but they failed to accept the invitation before the deadline date.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 21:48

i think 4 weeks is quite a short turn about time to expect people to organise things to travel that far away from dc, especially if they had already asked for 'extra time'. Is it your Neice's wedding then OP? Are you married to her uncle or related to her parents?

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 21:50

What was the exact wording of the 'un-invitation' OP?

MidniteScribbler · 22/08/2013 22:20

Sounds more like a case of them not having their care sorted by the deadline, so brides mother said that numbers need to be confirmed and she'd assume they were decling, rather than being 'uninvited'. If you can't give a definite answer by the rsvp date, and the hosts can't wait any longer due to needing to advise venue, caterers, etc, then you're a no.

NicknameIncomplete · 22/08/2013 22:23

I organised my whole wedding in 6 weeks so this is all strange to me.

Are the cousins close? If not i wouldnt b that disappointed in being uninvited.

BlehPukeVomit · 22/08/2013 22:30

It depends what was said when your son and DIL contacted the bride and groom? It would be normal at this time to agree a date by which the bride and groom would need a firm answer.

If they contacted them when the invites first went out and then didnt contact them in the intervening 4 and a half months to keep the bride and groom updated then I can understand why they were uninvited.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 22:32

i thought OP said the MOB said 'consider yourself uninvited then' which is not the same as assuming they had declined.

ageofgrandillusion · 22/08/2013 22:37

It sounds like they needed to get their skates on instead of fannying around with is grandma babysitting/isnt she etc. 200 miles is a long way in any case - lucky escape is how i'd look at it.

MintyChops · 23/08/2013 10:00

Well in that case YANBU to be upset and I admire you for restraining yourself from saying anything. It would probably cause a family rift if you did but equally, try not to let it fester for you and cause you more upset.