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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit shocked and hurt by my friends, FB and pregnancy related, sorry

58 replies

dirtyface · 22/08/2013 08:19

i am newly pregnant with DC3 (about 5 + 2) but have not told many people yet. i am happy but also very anxious as i miscarried twins a few months ago

2 days ago i put a vaguebooking FB status relating to being annoyed with my doctor Blush (i am annoyed because they won't refer me for an earlier scan,despite being aware of my last pregnancy miscarrying, but i didnt put that bit, obviously)

2 friends commented on it saying hope you are ok, whats going on etc. and i decided to direct message them and tell them i am pg, as they are (suposedly) good friends i have known for several years, they know about my miscarriage and they knew i was TTC yet neither of them have bothered to reply :(

and i know they have both read it as it says the message was seen just after i sent it

i just don't get it. i thought we were all good friends :S if it was the other way round (ie if one of them told me they were pg) i would have been really happy for them and replied as soon as i could or rang or something.

aibu ?? or just hormonal and a bit nuts

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 22/08/2013 09:17

Maybe they wanted to think about what to say and how to phrase it? I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. It's very quick to quick a casual comment, but in a sensitive situation perhaps they needed to think about what to say.

ovenbun · 22/08/2013 09:28

YABU to post cryptic/attention seeking facebook statuses....you clearly want people to ask, and then to have your imagined response within your alloted time frame...which is a little odd. When I see those kind of updates it just makes me cringe.

YANBU to want to share the special news with your close friends, how about inviting some of them round for coffee and having a proper chat about it all :)

BeauNatt · 22/08/2013 09:31

YABU. They probably don't realise how much of an emotional rollercoaster this is for you. Unless they've had a miscarriage themselves they're very unlikely to properly understand how you're feeling right now.

Stop with the vague FB updates, you obviously wanted people to probe, so just be open or don't post it. Much healthier.

redexpat · 22/08/2013 09:41

They may not know what to say. Or perhaps they are waiting for a wuiet moment to sit down and compose a thoughtful message. Or perhaps they are a bit crap. Do they have form for this sort of thing?

MidniteScribbler · 22/08/2013 09:41

So you posted a vague attention seeking post trying to get people to ask. Then when they did, you decided that was the time to reveal your pregnancy? Pick up the fucking phone FGS.

BlehPukeVomit · 22/08/2013 09:46

Vague booking is really childish and attention seeking. Sad

The fact only. Two people commented should tell you something.

Your friends have only had the message a couple of days, perhaps they are waiting to see you or perhaps they think its ok not to reply. It's not a biggie. If you are very early in the pregnancy perhaps they are not sure what to say.

Sorry but YABU

Ps congrat on the pregnancy Thanks Grin

User9987634234 · 22/08/2013 09:51

Shocked does seem a bit strong, I think you may be hormonal Grin

It takes me a while to respond to any personal message, no matter how much I like the person. At only 5 weeks and with your history it probably requires a bit more thinking than 'congratulations'. I don't want to be harsh, but things aren't all about you Wink, people are very tied up in their own lives.

Don't take offence over nothing, give them time to reply.

Famzilla · 22/08/2013 10:07

I hate the vague status thing, and even more so the "I'll PM you" afterwards. Very attention seeking IMO. However you already know this so that's neither here nor there.

I think, given your unfortunate circumstances it's not a case of being incredibly excited and showering you with congratulations. They probably don't know what to say and are taking time to write a sensitive response.

While I was PG, I had a friend who suffered recurrent miscarriages yet would always email me every time she fell PG again. I felt awful for her and just didn't know what to say, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt every time her name popped up. It got to the point where I selfishly wished she wouldn't message me until she had had her 12 week scan and everything was ok.

Not saying you are in that situation at all, but just clumsily trying to explain that it's not a simple case of "congrats" when MC's are involved for everybody.

Famzilla · 22/08/2013 10:10

Oh, and she's 8 months PG now Smile

Original poster
dirtyface · 22/08/2013 10:21

in my defence i should add that i was really pissed off after talking to my doctor who just did not seem to give a shit about my circumstances, and just wanted a general rant to FB. as am sure many of us have done ;). so i wasn't looking for sympathy as such just wanted a rant. but i described it was vaguebooking as maybe it could be construed that way :) and i didnt do the annoying "i'll pm you hun" i just messaged them both without saying anything

but some people on here seem to think i deserve friends to be shit to me because i have committed the heinous sin of "vaguebooking"

i probably am over reacting. but am very down and worried at the moment and just want some support and maybe some kind words from my friends

also i don't see them much (due to distance) so we talk mostly over fb so its a normal thing we do, sharing news via fb. (plus i hate talking on the phone!)

OP posts:
BlehPukeVomit · 22/08/2013 10:41

If a friend of mine was feeling a bit down and needed a bit of a moan I would want her to phone or email me. That's what friends are for.

Cryptic Facebook messages are best left for angst'y teens.

It's self indulgent twaddle to think your friends should be able to interpret your 'I am pissed off with my Doctor' message. It's not self indulgent to feel down and to want some support.

I think it's perfectly ok to let your friends know that you are feeling fed up and worried but be honest about it.

Ps. You are correct, vague booking is a heinous crime Grin. One of the many reasons I don't have a Facebook account.

StuntGirl · 22/08/2013 10:47

Their own life has probably got in the way. Can't say I'd reply immediately, if at all to that.

Congratulations and I hope the pregnancy goes well. Remember its bigger news to you than anyone else!

Oriunda · 22/08/2013 10:58

Having had 2 miscarriages before the 12 week scan, I feel very uncomfortable if I hear someone telling me they are pg so early and try to deter them telling me or say I will congratulate once it's official (ie after 12 weeks). Given your last mc, if I were your friends I would be extremely cautious about congratulating you until after your first scan. They may as said above be waiting until they can compose a more cautious response.

Btw, if you need an early scan, you can book a private one (this is what i did) but wait until you are at least 6 weeks so you can see the hb. No point scanning so early as all you will see is a sac and then you will start worrying and wanting to see the hb. Wait another week or so and once (hopefully) you see a hb you can start to relax a bit more.

everlong · 22/08/2013 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetSeraphim · 22/08/2013 11:08

There's an add-on on Google chrome that stops people seeing when you've read FB messages, if anyone's interested.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP! Thanks

Famzilla · 22/08/2013 11:13

I don't really think your friends have "shit on you" because they haven't replied to a message in a timeframe you deem appropriate.

I appreciate that this must be an incredibly stressful time for you but catastrophising won't do you any good. Try to keep a positive mindframe.

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 11:13

OOoooo that's interesting. I can't get along with chrome tho.... I wonder if there's one in safari...

SellbyDate · 22/08/2013 11:14

Oh..poor you about the scan issue. It must be a really really scary time.

If the are good friends they might actually be offended that you didn't tell them your news in a more personal way perhaps?

Facebook is ridiculous. We have actually lost the ability to communicate with people in normal ways. I would just put it behind you and perhaps refrain from making vague and hooky comments as the reality is, you might not get the response you want and and up feeling smanxious. If you need support, pick up the phone.

I am surprised that you haven't been offered a six week scan.

I would go back and ask for one again. Explain your fears clearly. It would help you to establish whether there is a strong heart beat. Or you could go privately and pay for peace of mind.

Floggingmolly · 22/08/2013 11:14

No doctor would have sent you for a scan at 5 weeks; nothing can be seen at that stage.

If you wanted to tell your friends about the pregnancy; there were nicer ways to do that posting a cryptic status on Facebook which meant they had to coax the actual information out of you.
Something very attention seeking about doing that, really.

NatashaBee · 22/08/2013 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTTMummA · 22/08/2013 11:23

I detest cryptic FB status updates, my eyes gloss over it and I presume whichever person it is has referred back to being a teenager quite frankly.

Having had a miscarriage I really can not fathom why you would elude to a loaded update like that.
You must have known you would get questions, you were quite ready to tell those 2 friends after getting their attention so why not save the drama and just put it on your status?

I also rarely respond to messages if I'm out or using my phone, tbh at such an early stage of pregnancy I wouldn't really be wanting to have an involved conversation with you other than congratulations.

Yabu in general but they could have said congratulations.
I don't think they are shite friends based on this one thing though, bit of an over reaction.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 22/08/2013 11:51

Oh please, you are acting like a child. Vague ranty updates about secrets, pms to thechosen few, then foot stamping when they dont reply as quickly as you'd like! Maybe they are uncomfortable aboutbeing told so early, and unsure who knows what due to your cryptic posting? Maybe they have their own shitgoing on, itsnot all about you.

mayoandchips · 22/08/2013 11:54

Congrats on your pregnancy Smile

But yeah, don't post cryptic messages on FB. You do sound like you are having a huff because you didn't get the fanfare you wanted from someone, SOMEWHERE!

I'm sure there was no malice intended by your friends, do you have any reason to think they would?

Original poster
dirtyface · 22/08/2013 15:17

oh i know i wouldn't be sent for a scan this early, i know not much can be seen until 6 or 7 weeks

what fucks me off is that when i had my miscarriage, i was told that if i got pregnant again i would be offered an earlier scan, why tell me that if its not going to happen, the whole system annoys me.

i have managed to get a private scan for in a couple of weeks although its not cheap :/

OP posts:
StudentFuming · 22/08/2013 16:25

Hope all goes well for you OP. Perhaps stay off Facebook for a bit too.