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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit shocked and hurt by my friends, FB and pregnancy related, sorry

58 replies

dirtyface · 22/08/2013 08:19

i am newly pregnant with DC3 (about 5 + 2) but have not told many people yet. i am happy but also very anxious as i miscarried twins a few months ago

2 days ago i put a vaguebooking FB status relating to being annoyed with my doctor Blush (i am annoyed because they won't refer me for an earlier scan,despite being aware of my last pregnancy miscarrying, but i didnt put that bit, obviously)

2 friends commented on it saying hope you are ok, whats going on etc. and i decided to direct message them and tell them i am pg, as they are (suposedly) good friends i have known for several years, they know about my miscarriage and they knew i was TTC yet neither of them have bothered to reply :(

and i know they have both read it as it says the message was seen just after i sent it

i just don't get it. i thought we were all good friends :S if it was the other way round (ie if one of them told me they were pg) i would have been really happy for them and replied as soon as i could or rang or something.

aibu ?? or just hormonal and a bit nuts

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 22/08/2013 08:22

why would you put up a status saying you are annoyed with your doctor if you didn't want people to know why?

everlong · 22/08/2013 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RobotHamster · 22/08/2013 08:25

They might not have actually seen the message though.

HenriettaPye · 22/08/2013 08:26

This is such a pet hate of mine!
Vague Facebook statuses then people comment what's wrong and you get 'I'll pm you'

What's the point of the vague Facebook status? If you don't want people to know, don't draw attention to it!

GeppaGip · 22/08/2013 08:26

I am shocked that FBI shows you a message has been seen. I was sent a lovely message the other day but haven't had time to reply. Had I known that the sender would know I had seen it I would have replied quicker Blush

That is likely to be what has happened here. IMHO FB should not do that causing uneccessary friction due to technological ignorance. Give it a few more days Smile

ViviPru · 22/08/2013 08:26

YABU for the vaguebooking (but at least you acknowledge it!)

I hate FB messaging for this reason, I understand why you would be upset. While FB messaging is frustrating in that the other person (in this case you) KNOWS you've seen the message so you've no time to collect your thoughts/reply at a time convenient to you. But in this instance, you wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a quick "congrats - up to my ears atm but will be in touch asap!" at the very least, its not like they are having to take their time to carefully consider a reply to an awkward message....

So unless your message was worded in such a way as to make them feel uncomfortable unsure as to how to reply, then YANBU.

Twentythirdinline · 22/08/2013 08:27

That does seem a bit rude that your friends have not congratulated you.

I do find it really attention seeking when people write vague things on their Facebook status though.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Flicktheswitch · 22/08/2013 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocacolaMum · 22/08/2013 08:28

reasons for not replying..
1)your fb status was a bit attention seeking (I hate vague statuses)
2) if my friend was pregnant after problems I would think that as my friend she would tell me her news without the use of the vague status and without me having to dig.. if she didn't I would be doubting how much she valued our friendship cus that's kind of a big deal

plumpjuicyraspberry · 22/08/2013 08:30

Congratulations !!

While being pregnant is massive for you, in the kindest way it's not for them. If my friend told me in this way, I'd reply immediately but not everyone is like that

5.2 is way to early for a scan to be helpful anyway imo. Maybe ask again about 8/9 wks.

Agree with the poster up thread, don't put attention seeking status updates if you don't want to tell everyone why!!

Original poster
dirtyface · 22/08/2013 08:30

oh yeah and sorry don't mean to drip fed but these friends are CONSTANTLY on facebook and have been posting and commenting so its not like they haven't been on much

and yes i fully accept i was being U by vaguebooking Blush there is no excuse for it :o

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 22/08/2013 08:31

dirtyface, I think if I'd have seen a message in these circumstances, I'd give myself a bit of time to make sure my reply was appropriate. I'd also wait until I was at a computer, rather than my phone to avoid typos.

My usual response would be Woooohooo! Yey! Go you!!!!

But... given the particular circumstances, I think I'd want to double check with myself that this is appropriate. So I'd give myself a few hours to word something about how it must be bittersweet, and you must be nervous, and is there anything you need.

I know not all people overthink every little thing, but I certainly tend not to do instant responses, as I have a really horrible habit of putting my foot in my mouth.

Many congratulations to you, by the way. Also, can you take a look at your hospital, and see if they have an Early Pregnancy Unit there? If so, call them direct and ask if, given the circumstances, they're able to do an early scan. Be aware that not all do though. I was told I couldn't have an early scan having had a series of early miscarriages. I know other people who have been luckier though.

Twentythirdinline · 22/08/2013 08:32

Could your friends be upset to find out about your pregnancy via Facebook? Maybe they would have liked a phone call?

TartanRug · 22/08/2013 08:33

I'm not sure about them even seeing it tbh. I sent a friend a private message last week and as soon as I pressed send it came up as seen that instant. Her phone is always logged on so that might have been why.

themaltesefalcon · 22/08/2013 08:35

Weird thing to get upset about.

Good luck with the pregnancy, OP. And congratulations.

BistoBear · 22/08/2013 08:35

I am very guilty of reading messages and not replying straight away. I usually have a quick read on my phone when I'm out and about and then I'll compose and send a proper reply once I'm home and on my iPad. Also, if someone sends me a message that doesn't require an answer to a question then I sometimes don't reply at all... Until a few days later when I remember and I feel guilty for not replying!

Retroformica · 22/08/2013 08:39

I sometimes read something sndthink ill reply later but forget. It is thoughtless they haven't replayed though!

everlong · 22/08/2013 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 22/08/2013 08:53

OP more often than not, I'll read a PM and then reply to it later, or the next day. This is because I might want to think about my reply before I send it.

I'm the same with texts....and I'm a notorious phone avoider too (although no one knows that).

Just wait and see x

Doubtfuldaphne · 22/08/2013 08:53

How long has it been? My best friend told me through fb that she was pregnant and I wanted to reply properly when i had time to think about everything I wanted to say.
I also dodnt want to Reply on my phone as its so fiddly, i waited until i got home to use the computer.
They could be doing the same!

pictish · 22/08/2013 08:53

And yes...sometimes I forget too.

Catlike · 22/08/2013 08:59

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I hope all goes well for you this time :)

With regards to your friends, I'd guess that they've seen your message and intended to reply later when they had more time to compose something more thoughtful than "yay! Massive congrats!". Given that it's not as simple as you being pregnant again - you're hugely anxious about the outcome, frustrated with the doctors and have recently had a very sad loss too - your friends maybe wanted to choose their words carefully so as to be supportive and sensitive rather than glib.

That's probably what I'd have done if I were them. For what it's worth, I HATE the fact that people can see you've read a message as I often want to reply when I've got time to write something more thoughtful but it probably looks to the sender like I'm ignoring them.

FirstStopCafe · 22/08/2013 09:10

Congratulations. I don't always respond to messages straight away. Particularly if I want to write a longer or more thought out reply. Try not to worry, I'm sure they'll respond

soverylucky · 22/08/2013 09:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soverylucky · 22/08/2013 09:15

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