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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that OH withheld this information from me?

35 replies

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTattoo · 21/08/2013 23:42

Found out that I got a payrise today so took OH out for a meal and to the cinema. Whilst we were waiting for our meal, he took my phone over the road to the cinema to use the Orange Wednesday ticket.
He came back, gave me my phone and we ate a lovely meal and saw a good film.
On the way back home (quarter past eleven) he says "Don't be angry at me but your Mum text when I was in the cinema about your Grandma - its not too serious - but I didn't want it to ruin your evening so I didn't tell you and hid the text"
Turns out my Grandmas eye problem has got a lot worse and she desperately needs surgery, NHS wait is 3+ weeks so the family are getting the £600 together to send her private tomorrow. My Mum text to tell me and to ask if I could contribute at all (I had text her about payrise earlier).
I immediately sent £200 with the Natwest app and text her to tell me if she needed more.

OH then has a go saying that I shouldn't have sent so much money, hinting that my mum was milking me for cash and doesn't seem understand why I'm cross that he didn't tell me in the first place.

AIBU to want to have known immediately so I could have phoned my Mum? Or just even known!

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 21/08/2013 23:44

Depends...he may have had the best intentions, despite being an insensitive idiot. OTOH he may have selfishly hidden the text because it was going to interfere with his own enjoyment of the evening. What do you think?

WestmorlandSausage · 21/08/2013 23:46

are you sure?

quoteunquote · 21/08/2013 23:47

I would go completely bat shit at that,

Did you ask him to filter your life?

Is he always so controlling?

Do you edit vital information from his family?

TylerHopkins · 21/08/2013 23:48

I would have been annoyed to. It's not up to him to decide what info you get and when you should receive it.

Original poster
TheGirlWithTheFeatherTattoo · 21/08/2013 23:50

He says he had the best of intentions and just wanted me to enjoy the evening.
If I had got the text when it was sent I could have called and spoken to my Mum and found out what was going on and how much money they needed. Argh!!

OP posts:
propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 21/08/2013 23:52

Sounds controlling to me. In his shoes I would have been tempted to hide it (in order not to spoil the night out) but I would have instinctively known it was THE WRONG THING TO DO and so alerted you to the text ASAP.

quoteunquote · 21/08/2013 23:57

best of intentions

Do you remember the conversation you had, when you agreed he would decide what is best for you?

bookforgoddaughter · 22/08/2013 00:33

He did the wrong thing but maybe for the right reasons. Tell him it was rubbish but then get over it. Alternatively, LTB.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 22/08/2013 00:37

He's a fool and he's selfish. He wasn't thinking about you at all, he was thinking about himself and his evening - his remark about the amount of money you are sending to your family to help your gran and thus not spending on taking him out proves that.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2013 00:41

i would be furious if anyone did this to me. Fuck best intentions. There is no intention good enough which would mean running interference on what information i receive and when i receive it. Also agree it sounds more like he didn't want to ruin his own evening and maybe he thought the family would have come up with the money before you found out, thus meaning they didn't need your contribution.

Angry would be an understatement if i were you!

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/08/2013 00:46

I would be fuming.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/08/2013 00:51

Hmmm,

Although I kind of agree Witt the general consensus I actually sort of feel that we could be ganging up on him too hastily.

Finding out about this s couple of hours later hasn't changed it any, nothing's going to take longer to be fixed you just have to call your mum in the morning instead if tonight to get news. Which is a little frustrating.

As to remarks about contributing too much that is very contextual, there might be several well off people to contribute or op might have double her contribution knowing that x sibling wouldn't bother at all and y sibling couldn't afford half etc

As to holding information back I think there are times when it's appropriate if its truely in someone else's best interests and nothing will be lost/helped/changed by earlier knowledge.

StuntGirl · 22/08/2013 01:01

Well, I'm basing this on my own life but I fucking love and adore my Grandma and I'd be furious if someone did this to me. I'd rather my evening was 'ruined' than not know.

And I'd give her every penny I had if she needed it, regardless of what my partner thought.

Want2bSupermum · 22/08/2013 01:19

I would be furious if DH did that to me but I think there are some other issues at play here.

The money is one issue. DH and I share our income so when his sister calls up asking for 'help' once again he discusses it with me and we decide together on the amount we send to her. I would be very annoyed if he sent money to help others without discussing it with me first.

I think the other issue could be your OH having a problem with your close relationship with your family. As you say, you would have called your mum right away. I know my DH always wants to think he comes first in my life. Part of the reason my DH proposed was because I told him that until he married me my family would always be my priority but once we were married that would change (the other part was that I wouldn't move in with him until I was engaged!). A day later he proposed.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/08/2013 01:31

I think there are times when 'waiting for the right moment' or 'until after x' is an appropriate and loving thing to do. However, when it's about something that needs sorting out for tomorrow, for someone who is unwell, who is an important & well loved part of your family - in case you spoil a trip to the cinema is not it Hmm He sounds very selfish.

It's hard to say whether he is right or wrong about the money - that somewhat depends on your financial set up.

Original poster
TheGirlWithTheFeatherTattoo · 22/08/2013 08:36

At this stage in our set up my money is mine and his is his to spend as we see fit. We have a joint account that we put the same amount each into each week and we both put what we can into savings.
For me, in the grand scheme of things £200 is nothing not because I can "afford" it (it came from savings) but more to do with the fact I would give me grandma my own eyes if it would help her.
Money is a funny issue with OH. His family are quite well off and he doesn't really believe that my family aren't.

OP posts:
beepoff · 22/08/2013 08:41

I can understand why you're angry but it sounds like he underestimated it and innocently made a bad call. Some people here are so quick to burn the witch.

Do your family ask for money a lot?

FobblyWoof · 22/08/2013 08:46

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt until you said thst he went mad at the amount. That's just not nice and sounds quite self-centrered of him

starfishmummy · 22/08/2013 09:01

Tbh it wasn't something life threatening so no harm was done by waiting.

I am more suspicious of your mother suddenly needing the money for grans operation so urgently.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/08/2013 09:14

Do you save 'in one pot' or each have your own?

Only you know if he has a point that your family are 'taking advantage of you' (ie you are a soft touch for the money even though they could have paid or at least contributed but chose not to) or whether they would 'need' that much from you. But it is up to you to make that call - not him. I would have gladly given my Nana the money if I had it, irrespective of whether the rest of my family could have easily afforded to do so, but didn't (wouldn't have happened in my family though as my parents would have just paid for it if my GP's couldn't . However, should the 'children' have needed to pay for it, I would have been the one willing to do so - even though my sib could have equally afforded it).

It does sound very odd though - suddenly needing it for the next day and already knowing how much it was going to cost. Highly unlikely I'd have thought.

The harm that was possibly done (if Mum is on the level) is hours of unnecessary worrying about whether they could afford to get it done when Girl could have put their minds at rest much sooner.

It sounds like he made a selfish call - but perhaphs not, depending on your family. (Not your gran, but your parents, sibs etc).

EvieanneVolvic · 22/08/2013 09:20

I can understand your irritation Girl but I am afraid I am kind of with him...I would find that kind of closeness in my partner's family a little oppressive....

I think Starfish is right...it's hardly life threatening, and the three hours or so would hardly make that much of a difference. But I think this says more about the different ways in which your respective families operate. Neither is right or wrong, just different. And from where I'm standing he absolutely did the right thing (though not in commenting on how much/little you gave)

Montybojangles · 22/08/2013 09:24

What he did was wrong, but I think he did it with the best of intentions. I am sure he now realises that it was the wrong thing to do, but at the time I imagine he simply wanted you to have a nice evening to celebrate your news. Your grandmothers health outcome is no different for a couple of hours of you not knowing.

I also find that some people who have not come from family's where every penny is budgeted reaLy cannot understand that others simply do not have ready access to significant amounts of money.

What is the reasoning for a 3 week wait? If your grandmothers eye problem could result in sight loss if surgery is delayed, then she should be booked for an emergency procedure.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 22/08/2013 09:24

I think your mum is being unreasonable communicating this sort of thing over text in the first place

quoteunquote · 22/08/2013 09:27

His family are quite well off and he doesn't really believe that my family aren't.

well one day he may choose to understand that, in the mean time make sure he hears what you say when you sit down and have a chat about control over your life,

MrsKoala sums it up well,

It is a significant power play, make sure you are very clear about future appropriate behaviour.

He knew he would not "talk' you out of contributing, so played the next card, he must of known your reaction when he eventually decided to allow you to know the information, but made the play anyway.

I'm not sure how being in the wonderful position of being able to fix a nasty problem, for a love one, would spoil an evening, most people would feel good about it.

Good for you not just letting it slide and addressing the issue, too many women do just keep compromising themselves for the sake of a quite life, and one day wonder why they are doormat, then a bog brush.

Alanna1 · 22/08/2013 09:28

I think it was an innocent mistake.

Also, if its not easy to raise the £600 then is a three week wait so bad? Have you checked what the earliest date she can get is? Often you can get a shorter appointment time too as presumably your grandma could take any cancellation? And you can check online regularly for some procedures?

And also there is often a faster route if the operation is assessed as urgent - if it is (medically) urgent, e.g. if it was affecting your grandma's mental health?

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