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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me see... AIBU?

35 replies

DreadingBecomeAMIL · 21/08/2013 15:15

Ok, massive back story to relationship - but the basic details:

DP lost his job last year, has been doing PT work to help attempting to make ends meet in a couple of jobs since.

FIL passed away last month.

MIL delayed funeral to ensure it was on a Friday (no idea why, it is possible it was FIL wish)

DP gets offered a fantastic role (FT)

Burial of ashes - booked for day of his induction. MIL booked this after his role was confirmed last week.

SIL works shifts, and is was also supposed to be working, and had to take holiday. (normally off 1 "week" day and 1 day over weekend).

Burial of ashes is tomorrow.

Now, to my point - AIBU in thinking this was incredibly selfish to have booked on this day, rather than speak to DP and SIL to get their opinions on date?

It put DP in an impossible situation - which when you consider the funeral was "delayed" till the first available Friday, I do not see what the rush on burying the ashes is/was.

She told him it was the first date as they are busy, and had an opening (WTF?).

Is this the norm for burying ashes (getting first available date)?

Please be as honest as you like, AIBU to be furious at the lack of consideration to DP and SIL?

There is a whole lot more to my feelings/relationship which may be tainting the way I see this - so really would appreciate honest opinions given the situation

It won't change anything, but I do need to know

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2013 15:17

Well your dh can't miss his induction can he? So it was more than inconsiderate...it was daft.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 21/08/2013 15:19

Why cant DP just tell his new employer that its his DFs funeral and can he start a day late please?

Sirzy · 21/08/2013 15:19

Perhaps she wants it over with now?

She should have tried to rearrange it but you don't always get a lot of choice when it comes to these things it is when the undertaker is free.

Pawprint · 21/08/2013 15:21

Well... I think you are being a bit unreasonable because your MIL has had a huge bereavement and there may have been a good reason (as you say) why the funeral was delayed.

I think it fair enough that you are annoyed and frustrated by the timing of the ashes burial - your Dh can't miss his induction day, after all. However, I think it is rather harsh to say your MIL is selfish etc. Having said that, you mention that there are other issues going on so I imagine that these are significant.

Morgause · 21/08/2013 15:21

She's just lost her husband and you're furious with her? I imagine she wants the ashes buried as quickly as possible, that's quite common, and took the first date she was offered.

Newly bereaved widows don't carry timetables around with them and maybe she forgot other commitments.

YABU she's just been widowed.

TylerHopkins · 21/08/2013 15:22

She should have checked with them first but then I suppose she's got blinkers on at the moment. It probably the main concern in her life at the moment and she's not thinking beyond it.

polkadotsrock · 21/08/2013 15:22

It seems a little odd but I guess grief does funny things and would alter perspective for a while. I guess I don't really think anyone has U.
I recognise that I'm not helpful in the slightest

Tee2072 · 21/08/2013 15:23

YANBU she's being incredibly inconsiderate and, really, stupid.

Or does she not want her own children there for some reason?

Your DP can't miss this induction, obviously.

mynewpassion · 21/08/2013 15:23

Yang. Just inform the employer that it's his father's funeral that day and could he start the next day. Has he even asked?

Faith48 · 21/08/2013 15:24

YABU.

mynewpassion · 21/08/2013 15:24

Stupid autocorrect. Yabu instead of yang

Thumbwitch · 21/08/2013 15:26

YANBU. She might be newly widowed and grieving and so on but that doesn't preclude her from having consideration for others.

When my mum died, her funeral date was carefully arranged to NOT clash with anything, such as parents' wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday, niece's birthday etc. etc. My Dad arranged it - he wasn't so blinded by grief that he overrode everyone else's feelings.

Your MIL might be trying to prove a point but of course your DH has to go to his induction - so she's been wrongfooted, hasn't she.

Sorry that this has happened though - it seems daft to have rushed ahead with the ashes interment as well.

MrsWilberforce · 21/08/2013 15:27

thankfully I haven't had a lot of experience but I think these arrangements can be quite fraught and the bereaved family don't get a lot of say in the timings.

In general the bereaved partner's wishes would be expected to take priority over the more mundane day-to-day issues of the family.

Is the job offer a certain one or will asking to rearrange the induction mess things up?

m0therofdragons · 21/08/2013 15:27

Your mil is BU but when losing your husband I think you probably get caught up in your own feelings so I wouldn't hold it against her. Any company would be understanding in these circumstances and rearrange the induction - father's funeral would take priority.

ViviPru · 21/08/2013 15:28

You say she booked it after his role was confirmed, but was that after the induction day date was confirmed? You and DH were aware of MiL's preference to have the funeral on a Friday, and that it was imminent, so surely once the date of his induction was confirmed, the first thing you (or DH) should have done would be to inform MiL and make sure she doesn't book the funeral for that date?

LondonMan · 21/08/2013 15:28

AIBU in thinking this was incredibly selfish to have booked on this day, rather than speak to DP and SIL to get their opinions on date?

It would have been selfish to have booked the date if she had spoken to them and knew it was a problem. I would say it as at most slightly thoughtless not to ask, but maybe not if she just wants to get everything over with as soon as possible. One's parent's don't die very often so it's not that unreasonable to assume work will just have to fit in with any arrangements.

YouTheCat · 21/08/2013 15:31

Mil sounds bloody awful.

The funeral has been done (why can't people read the thread or, at least, the OP?).

Your dh really must go to his induction.

missrlr · 21/08/2013 15:33

I would suggest MIL is not particularly thinking about being convenient to others - just when she was asked to make a decision she took the first date = decision done and breathed.

Let's face it she's just lost her husband (or partner) this is not a time when rational thought and super planning is really a trait that comes through well.

DP should simply call HR and say that DF funeral is on x day, and so sorry but could they rearrange the start date please? Sooner not later also.

Perhaps if someone had been with her when she had to make the decision alternatives might have been considered. I remember Grandad faced with this decision and nearly made one that would have meant no one had time to get there and lots of people would have missed out, meaning Grandad would have had a much less supported time. I was with him and just managed to get a breath drawn so we could judge diaries etc. Easily done when you are managing to simply survive early on after bereavement.

OK it is not super convenient date for you and you have to be supportive to DP he has lost his FATHER plus has to let this be know to people he hardly knows (work), I suspect FIL's death is hardly convenient for your MIL.

Get some compassion. Be supportive. Quite what you are going to achieve by being cross and mithering about it at such a time is beyond me.

YouTheCat · 21/08/2013 15:37

Can I just point out, the funeral has already happened and this date is to bury the father's ashes.

mynewpassion · 21/08/2013 15:39

I know. For simplicity sake say it's the funeral. Has your dh even asked his employer?

Fakebook · 21/08/2013 15:47

I'm not sure on this one. Even if she is evil and vindictive, would she really be thinking in that frame of mind after her DH has passed away? Maybe she wanted it done ASAP and wasn't thinking about everyone else at the point she said yes. Maybe she's just grief stricken and doesn't want to have to keep arranging things around everyone and just chose a burial date to keep the focus on your father in law.

Original poster
DreadingBecomeAMIL · 21/08/2013 15:50

Sorry - to clarify, the funeral has been and gone, this is the ashes being buried

I have no idea why there was so long between his passing and the funeral - I didn't ask, but there may well be a reason.

I don't know how it all works - but when there was almost 3 weeks from FIL passing to cremation, it seems strange "snapping up" the first opportunity for the ashes. There has been a couple of weeks since the funeral, but they (the 3 of them) hadn't agreed what they were doing with the ashes, then once they were agreed, a couple of days passed then she booked for burying the ashes and told DP and SIL that evening.

He got the job, and induction was confirmed within a couple of days of accepting. As he had already taken shifts at the PT work he was honouring his commitments. That is why he starts on an "odd" day.

MIL booked after she knew his start date - they had all been together numerous times between him getting his start date and her booking.

She is not their birth mother. They call her mum etc, and has been part of the family for last 10 years. I don't think she was deliberately trying to exclude them Hmm but I wouldn't put much past her given the last year

I think I have blinkers on - but when being told you?re not family followed by "you keep my grandchild from me", it does kind of make your blood boil hearing some things.

She is very "Disney"

OP posts:
IvanaCake · 21/08/2013 15:51

I doubt mil has been deliberately thoughtless.

Dh should contact work and tell them its his dads funeral.

Original poster
DreadingBecomeAMIL · 21/08/2013 15:55

missrlr - not the funeral

My compassion has been drained, it ran empty about the time she asked us to pay her mortgage for remainder of year (remainder of the term) - after getting the will changed so SIL and DP inherited nothing. The reason being so she could focus on what she does next without having to touch her nest egg

OP posts:
quesadilla · 21/08/2013 16:03

Agree with most others here: yes it was inconsiderate and silly but MIL won't have been thinking straight. I think you have to make an exception.

Also to be honest I would be shocked to find an employer who wouldn't make an exception in circumstances like this: whether its a funeral or an ash-burial is almost irrelevant.