Please help me see... AIBU?

[DreadingBecomeAMIL]

Ok, massive back story to relationship - but the basic details:

DP lost his job last year, has been doing PT work to help attempting to make ends meet in a couple of jobs since.

FIL passed away last month.

MIL delayed funeral to ensure it was on a Friday (no idea why, it is possible it was FIL wish)

DP gets offered a fantastic role (FT)

Burial of ashes - booked for day of his induction. MIL booked this after his role was confirmed last week.

SIL works shifts, and is was also supposed to be working, and had to take holiday. (normally off 1 "week" day and 1 day over weekend).

Burial of ashes is tomorrow.

Now, to my point - AIBU in thinking this was incredibly selfish to have booked on this day, rather than speak to DP and SIL to get their opinions on date?

It put DP in an impossible situation - which when you consider the funeral was "delayed" till the first available Friday, I do not see what the rush on burying the ashes is/was.

She told him it was the first date as they are busy, and had an opening (WTF?).

Is this the norm for burying ashes (getting first available date)?

Please be as honest as you like, AIBU to be furious at the lack of consideration to DP and SIL?

There is a whole lot more to my feelings/relationship which may be tainting the way I see this - so really would appreciate honest opinions given the situation

It won't change anything, but I do need to know

She wants them to pay her mortgage?

There are way bigger issues here than the ashes, but yes, I think it is fairly standard to go with the first available date when it comes to things like funerals and ash burying ceremony's.

Ok - maybe this is drip feeding, but DP made his decision last week.

I am worried he may regret it (he decided to go to his induction) - but it was his choice.

I deliberately voiced no opinion about what he should do.

My opinion had been "grief does strange things to people" and to ignore the directness of her feelings towards me, and to continue supporting my DP - but I can't help it that I am upset as it was her decision to book the date, yet it is DP's "fault" it was his first day.

I am feeling this way as DP already lost a parent, and now after losing his dad also he feels guilty for putting the job first.

MIL knowingly booked - only surprise was to DP and SIL of the date and speed of burying the ashes as it was discussed, SIL chased as had heard nothing, and then it was booked with less than one week notice

This post is because of something she has posted "attacking" DP's decision on FB.

He is none the wiser as is not on FB

Yanbu.

But I most commend you on the biggest DRIP feed in history of Aibu. Congratulations.

I said in OP it won't change anything.

DP made his decision.

I needed to know if my feelings were irrational given the basics - booking without talking to DP and SIL

My feelings towards her are not unreasonable. I could give several examples but , I wanted opinions if I was BU, or not if people only knew the OP details.

I am emotionally involved so it do not have an unbiased perspective.

I needed to get myself in check because I know DP will be playing over the decision tonight, and possibly for a long while after, so knowing whether IABU will make me keep myself in line

All you can do is be there for him.

Would he go for something like a tree planting ceremony for him and sil, so they have a special thing that grows and reminds them of their dad?

I still say, without knowing all the back story, that YWNBU anyway. AND your DP is NBU to go ahead with his induction.

Iirc, my brother didn't make it to the interment of my Mum's ashes - he's no fan of me, nor my sister, nor really my Dad - he did the funeral, and the memorial service a couple of months later, but not the interment. He does live a couple of hours away from my Dad's, where the rest of us were local at the time, so it wasn't a big surprise.

Ashes can be buried anytime...my MIL (who is a lovely women) made sure that both her sons could make it (BIL lived abroad).

In fact I ended up there as well, since I had originally opted to stay at home. I was bf DD2 and it was a cold November night. They had been gone along time, and I suspected they had gone to the pub afterward. So I headed up to the pub with DD, only to find them still at the church...no one had thought to let the undertakers know that they needed the ashes! The vicar went off to collect them from a fairly bemused undertaker (it was late...and the office was shut) but it all went well in the end!

I think that, given the circumstances, your DH has done the right thing by attending his induction day. The funeral is much more important - an opportunity to remember the person that has died and to celebrate their life. Burial of ashes is a quiet 10min of prayer. If your DH is religious in anyway, then spending 10 min this evening in prayer and thankfulness for his DF would be a fitting way to mark this event. It is not a 'social' event, and no MIL should ever attack a son for non attendance on a public forum like FB.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your DH

Decision is made. Live with the consequences.

Not sure why you asked if your dh already decided. Reaffirmation?

YouTheCat DP and SIL are doign a charity fun run thing. Will ask him about planting a tree or something similar as this is a great idea - especially for the grandchildren as they did not attend the funeral

Thumbwitch thank you.
The things I have needed to ignore as so specific I couldn't even come here and vent I know most of what MIL does is viewed (by me) sceptically - and then I get angry at myself for being done over again, just well and truely sick of it all - and have to put up with it as its family